We might be dead by tomorrow

Sometimes I feel like Im over sharing after my therapy sessions but this is my space and the best thing about that is that I can do what i want. (maybe thats why you have a blog, a little space in time which is all yours and subject to your whims)

I went again yesterday. Knowing I had to make the day work I fell back into the safety of saying ‘everything is fine’ when asked how I felt but the good thing about an hour session talking is that you really get to the bottom if it is or not.

Things are ok. Not great but ok. The not great is mostly due to me being a bit stressed about weight again and trying to find the balance between diet and work out. which is always tricky for me. I go over board with everything and if it was up to my obsessive part I would eat too little and work out too much. My normal part takes over and try to regulate. Epic internal struggle.

We also talked about my problems with being ‘good’ vs ‘bad’. I feel like Im not good enough but at the same time I dream of giving in to being ‘bad’. Its so much easier. My ‘bad’ is the part of me that wants to party all night, drink and fuck up my relationship. The ‘good’ feels she needs to grow up.

Its hard for me that Oliver is always so ‘good’ (in my definition of the word). How can i ever compare with someone who per default doesn’t drink, loves working out and naturally lives the life of a grown up. Im always ‘bad’ to his ‘good’. (Confusing I know). It makes me want to dress in black and go about being ‘bad’ like a sullen child since I know I ace at that. It feels good being best at something.

Its helping. Looking at it all from the beginning and methodically go through it. Identify the triggers and know that they will always be there but learning how to live with them. I think that at 70 I will still dream of being ‘bad’ and find my brain revolting against being a good little old lady. I’ll be a rock and roll queen in my dreams while tending to my garden.

Images from withlovelisa

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