All i want

Its my Dad’s birthday today. I wish i was there to come down for a dinner with a bouquet full of Forget me not’s. They will always make me think about my Dad’s birthday’s since as I kid me and my brother would go out into the garden and pick them to put around Dad’s breakfast plate. In my memory the grass is wet with dew and I have to lean over really far to reach the flowers nestled in among the nettles.

In my therapy yesterday we were back to talking about me missing Sweden and my need for security. I’m lacking some of the security nets here that are the most important to me, family and a friends. I might not be able to do anything about my family but i can make sure to strengthen the friendships I have here and let them in a bit more. Unless I reach out they will never be as close as I need them to be.

At the moment only Kix is that close to me and our friendship cant carry that on its own. So ive decided to build that around me again. I had a scare as friends goes when everything fell to piece’s during my first year here and I’ve shied away from building it again.

I talked a bit to Tommy yesterday. My drinking and party friend. And as always when you let people in they show you another side of themselves too. Ive known him for 4 years, we’ve spent weekends together and this was the first time I told him how depressed i was for 2 years of our friendship. He looked at me and said ‘but, ive always seen you as the so, so very happy one.’

He went on to tell me about things he worry about and all of a sudden i had that feeling, with a cider in my hand in a loud pub, of safety. That my friends will catch me if I fall.

If I try to let my friends here in London in I will be able to build that safety net here as well and maybe i feel a little less alone when I feel like im suffocating Oliver with all my problems and try and spare him my sadness. Maybe I can go out and meet my friends for a drink and a chat about the things that burn and i can go home to my boyfriend and not let him carry all of it.

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