On Friday we took care of the Lola bear. She was in fine mood as usual. These days a bit stronger but equally ‘run around like a mad hatter’ crazy. So sweet.

Met Oliver in the park after work. It was a full on dog fest. ‘Everyone was there’ as Oliver said. He has got a Ravenscourt Park crew now. He know all the dogs and even some of the owners. He is going to be so good at making friends as a future dad. Me, not so much.

Woolly had his new frisbee and all the dogs loved it. So to the point that lola ended up in a dog fight over it. being the little thug she is she went up against a staff and ending up getting her ear nicked. Blood everywhere. What you want when looking after your friends dog.

We took her home and cleaned her up as well as showering her with kisses and cuddles.

She wasnt that much worse for wear and kept kissing Woolly, running around, weeing a bit inside and just generally being Loli. We had our hands full. Who need kids when you have a dog.

Oliver finally managed to get her to go to sleep by forcing her to stay down. I was so exhausted i fell sleep to only waking to Oliver yelling something about the Hoff being in SoA. Very weird.

Whatever you do, dont down the white

I got to have a ‘dance around London like there is no tomorrow’ day turning into night with Oliver, Ben and Ed this weekend. Much needed.

Met up with the boys at a pub in Angel and drank cider while trying to keep Wool happy. He did well. Plan was that Ol and me would head down to Brixton for Adams leaving do and then go home with the dog but a rapid change of plans made us go to Primrose Hill to leave Wool w M and I went to meet the boys while Ol put the time in with Adam.

When i got to the boys they were locked in a crazy pool game. A shot for every time you downed the white. They were a couple of shots down the line.

Benjie had the great idea that i would shot every other shot for them and any time any of us fouled me and my team mate for that shot had to drink a shot.

Bad idea… Im not that good a pool player. In just one game i think i had to drink 5 shots. I secretly begged the bartender to make us really weak shots. We had things like baileys and tequila slammers. All to keep Ben standing up. He was starting to look a bit unsteady by this point.

Hanging with the boys. Missing my twins now that Eddie lives in NYC.

More shots, more drunk, more fouling as a results. And the circle continues.

The bartender looked me in the eye and told me that he was not going to help when one of us fell down. Felt like the dice game night in NYC. When even the bartender knows this will be bad.

Off to the next place. We had some chips and met up with Ol. He wondered what the fuck happened. The boys blamed it on me, cant help im a really lousy pool player.

The night ended at Tom M’s bday party were we danced to old 80’s party hits for hours before finally heading home and tumbling into bed at 3. An amazing night.

The song of the evening Phil Oakey – Together In Electric Dreams

On Sunday I was tired. Ol headed out to retrieve Wool and i stayed in bed. Except for a short venture out I was welded to the sofa.

In the evening we made a chicken roast and lit all the candles. Even if its still 23 degrees here im pretending fall has properly come and light up the room with tea lights.

The arm chair lives in the living room for now and we are deciding if it gets to stay. It never really got used in the bedroom but i loved my chair in there. On the other hand, now dad has somewhere to sit when they come to visit.

Stripping my heart bare

In therapy ive been told to show my innermost thoughts. Since i have a hard time talking about it and tend to smooth everything over with smiles and very rational explanations ive been asked to read from my written words. That’s were the darkness lies. The stuff that fills my nightmares.

This makes my heart pound, sweat to break out and brings out that feeling in the pit of my stomach that is the opposite of butterflies. Like crawling maggots maybe. So, I have to do it. Like in school when I was asked to be Lucia and was so cared to stand in front of people and Dad said ‘that is why you have to do it.’

This is why I have to do it:

‘Acceptance. Such a big word. Accept yourself and all that you are. How do you do that when you can see how who you are hurt people around you. How can you do that when the people that see you see a lie, a mask, a face you put on. When people that have known you for years have no idea that behind their backs you try and find ways to hurt yourself to make up for all the shit you bring in. Accept that you see the hurt in your boyfriends eyes when you pull away again, accept how tired you are of hearing your own voice talking about not feeling good, accept the worry in your parents voices and not being able to really care, accept no energy to do anything else than feel bad, accept that angry voice in your head that screams at everyone, accept not being you any longer or worse, accept that this is you. That this person you frankly don’t like, is you. 

I would say its pretty fucking hard and im not even close to being there’

‘I know what Im feeling are things that people go through but im wondering if its supposed to feel exactly this hopeless? And the anger. Whenever everything turns bad I get so angry at everyone. I don’t want to make them happy any longer and I punish people around me. Mostly Oliver. Im thinking I should go home and give him love and instead i get so angry and I curl up in the sofa and don’t want him near me. The sadness and anger are always close by and I walk around like a ticking bomb.’ 

‘Im trying really, really hard to be happy. I think it will always be hard  but Im thinking that the best thing is to just try and get through the ones that are bad and then the good ones will hopefully make it all feel worth it.’

‘I hate it. Today i hate these thoughts of mine. Sometimes I can see them and accept them. See the good things they have brought me like understanding and depth. Today i just hate them. I wish i could cleave them out of my skull and never ever have to see them again. If only it was triggered by something but no, they are part of me. So how am I supposed to be able to like me if I cant stand such a massive part of me?’

Images from

Freitag. Im desperately thinking about something fun to write right now but my head is blank. You could argue not to write anything in that case which, to be honest, are probably true.

Even the food we made last night look kind of boring. Lentil and sausage stew. How brown cardigan and comfortable shoes of us.

Tonight will be home on the sofa…

…you know what, lets end this post here. If im boring myself I can just imagine how I make you feel. Happy Friday people. 

David Guetta – Lovers on the Sun (feat. Sam Martin)

This life

Met up Unibet crew for one drink last night and crazy enough we only had one (as in I, lost track on how many the others had).

We discussed Tom’s Brokeback Brussels trip, that Anna and Charlotte are moving in together and future business plans. A lot more productive than our normal meet ups. Maybe we are growing up, Tom just turned 34 after all.

Tonight hoping that I can go straight home from work and watch some SoA, so exciting. Oliver is trying to lure me with some spoken word, which would be awesome, but SoA is even awesomer. To be a biker and kill innocent people most every day. At least you wont be bored…

Curtis Stigers – This Life

God’s cheese

Oliver and me had an unexpectedly very luxurious dinner lats night. Ella had given ol a bag of food as a thank you for him taking the photos for her web page and I got to reap the benefits of his work.

An awesome plate of cheese and the worlds best Olives.

Talked to the girls on Skype when they were having tuesday dinner and they told me that the cheese in the little pot its the infamous Gods cheese. The girls have been talking about that one for years. The best cheese ever to hit man kind.

Paired with awesome olives and some purple carrot. Dont mind if I do.

The girls were all in Sthlm, very jealous. Hugo got to go to his first tuesday dinner. A man. They used to be forbidden.

5 years ago the conversations on these dinner used to go ‘I just never want kids’, ‘me neither, do we have to?’ ‘how are we then going to be able to keep partying?’. Things have changed my friends.

Around our table it was less kids but pretty epic food so I was very happy anyway. Ate so much I couldnt even do ice cream. That, my friends, dont happen often.

Long after i had to give up and lay down on the sofa stroking my belly Oliver kept going. Nothing this man cant devour. Thank you Ella for the best dinner ever.

I forgot about songs

Apparently guys have higher serotonin levels than women. WTF! Is that why Ol is always so happy and i am, well, a mess?

And yes, I am still a mess. A unstable, unhappy, uneverything mess. I keep looking around in the morning commute trying to find ways to just get out of here. Walk the other way and never look back. Or just not get out of bed. Who needs a job or money? I mean really, if I just lay in bed and ate tuna out of the can that wouldn’t cost me too much. Minus the rent of course. Damn, didn’t think about that. I would be broke in a month. Squatters, here i come.

I’m still convinced there must be a way somewhere. Otherwise people wouldn’t keep doing it right. A way to look around and feel that things are pretty ok. I’m not looking awesome, im looking for ok.

I’m on a mission to find that way. Medicine, we will meet again. Seems like you and I will live happily ever after. This princess don’t seem to be able to vanquish evil without you. The dragon have captured her and have her firmly in her grip. In a dank, cold, dark cave. So, basically, I need you to come save her.


Hello Saferide – I Forgot About Songs


I woke up feeling pretty perky this morning. All hail whatever gods made that happen. It is Monday after all. But a sunny, pretty Monday so all is not lost.

And now, since i know you can barely contain yourself, I will tell you all about my adventure of a weekend.

(Drum roll please)

Started (yes, Friday start after work) my Friday by meeting up Eric and Robin in town for a couple of beers. Like in the old Ifield road days. Minus the dread that if you dont look out Robin might be calling strippers to come give you a lap dance and Eric throw pre, middle and after parties in your living room.

We had enough beers to make us think life is pretty fucking awesome and headed of to anglesea arms to meet up with Lollo and eventually Matthias and his lady Cecilia. Then followed a trek through West London when Lollo and her friend wanted to go to first Barts and then Maggies but we were  abit too late for it to be easy at any of those places so we ended up eating at PJ’s instead. I vote for food any time.

Not sure what happened but i wasnt home until 3 a bit fuzzy around the edges. When Oliver saw me stumble home he looked at me, shook his head, and said ‘oh honey, you know you need to get up and out with the dogs in a couple if hours’.

Fuck, as they say.

This is me, 7.30 in the morning roaming the streets of London with my doggie cursing my own stupidity in all ways possible.

Eventually i got hold of the Troxes and me and Woolly hung around on their sofa like two poor, alcohol oozing, relatives. Kix was studying, I ate her food and watched shit TV. Win on their behalf.

Well, my dog tried to eat Robins food too but Robbo was having none of that.

10 hours later i was let home. My home was completely remodeled and i felt like I had stepped into, well, a fashion movie. Apparently most of my thing just dont cut it.

One happy mini squid and me spent the rest of the evening in bed saying hi to the crew whenever they came over to get something. Don’t mind us chillin’ when the rest of you are working,

Sunday morning and we were left to our own devices again, at least this time we had a home. The chair had been moved out to the living room and W took to it like a throne and sat their looking imperiously at me when i ate. ‘i dont even deign to beg from this awesomness of mine’ i could hear his mind say.

Walked, talked, read and watched some movies and eventually cooked some sausage and fennel pasta until Oliver came around 8.

It was one tired boyfriend who could call his movie a wrap last night. It was hard leaving these two this morning.