In therapy ive been told to show my innermost thoughts. Since i have a hard time talking about it and tend to smooth everything over with smiles and very rational explanations ive been asked to read from my written words. That’s were the darkness lies. The stuff that fills my nightmares.
This makes my heart pound, sweat to break out and brings out that feeling in the pit of my stomach that is the opposite of butterflies. Like crawling maggots maybe. So, I have to do it. Like in school when I was asked to be Lucia and was so cared to stand in front of people and Dad said ‘that is why you have to do it.’
This is why I have to do it:
‘Acceptance. Such a big word. Accept yourself and all that you are. How do you do that when you can see how who you are hurt people around you. How can you do that when the people that see you see a lie, a mask, a face you put on. When people that have known you for years have no idea that behind their backs you try and find ways to hurt yourself to make up for all the shit you bring in. Accept that you see the hurt in your boyfriends eyes when you pull away again, accept how tired you are of hearing your own voice talking about not feeling good, accept the worry in your parents voices and not being able to really care, accept no energy to do anything else than feel bad, accept that angry voice in your head that screams at everyone, accept not being you any longer or worse, accept that this is you. That this person you frankly don’t like, is you.
I would say its pretty fucking hard and im not even close to being there’
‘I know what Im feeling are things that people go through but im wondering if its supposed to feel exactly this hopeless? And the anger. Whenever everything turns bad I get so angry at everyone. I don’t want to make them happy any longer and I punish people around me. Mostly Oliver. Im thinking I should go home and give him love and instead i get so angry and I curl up in the sofa and don’t want him near me. The sadness and anger are always close by and I walk around like a ticking bomb.’
‘Im trying really, really hard to be happy. I think it will always be hard but Im thinking that the best thing is to just try and get through the ones that are bad and then the good ones will hopefully make it all feel worth it.’
‘I hate it. Today i hate these thoughts of mine. Sometimes I can see them and accept them. See the good things they have brought me like understanding and depth. Today i just hate them. I wish i could cleave them out of my skull and never ever have to see them again. If only it was triggered by something but no, they are part of me. So how am I supposed to be able to like me if I cant stand such a massive part of me?’
Images from http://lisarislow.tumblr.com/
Letters to my family 