Im feeling pretty good at the moment. You know those internal batteries, they are charging. Added some more strands to the chart that is my tangled mind with M yesterday. It looks like spaghetti. Kind of make sense why im like and unstable kid on a sugar high most of the time bouncing between 100 feelings in the same day when i look at it.
When I told M i have a hard time making people follow my emotions, or just understand them myself, since they change so quickly she looked to the diagram and pointed out that with spaghetti like that it would happen. So, if I can unravel that mess and make it into nice and tidy spaghetti maybe everything will be easier.
Easy peasy.
It is helping though and just being able to see it in front of you help me make sense of what is going on. When all the triggers sits so closely together no wonder that walking home whistling to myself thinking of how Ill give Oliver a hug so easily change into anger when I stumble over one of those triggers.
At least now I can almost pick the thread out and see how what i feel like criticism for something brings up the emotions of hurt – anger – attack – guilt – withdrawal (yes, this is proper psychology talk). They say that insight of the issue is the first step.
Its been very helpful doing the therapy and even if I at times have felt like I want to give up I can see how it helps to get it all spelled out, at least for a mind like mine that is always looking for the rational explanation, the answer, the solution.
I need to know that what im doing is the right thing and this helps me getting a feeling for what is actually happening helping me find the ‘right’ thing even if that might be to give up and stop looking for answers, to stop looking for the ‘right’ thing.
Letters to my family 