I talked a lot to M yesterday about my need for a fantasy world. How I am constantly dreaming of or trying to flee off to that world that is a little bit better than the real world.
I love fantasy books, Ive always been fascinated by fairytales, my partying have always been with the idea that ‘anything can happen’ – hoping for late night unexpected parties with new friends , I love masquerades and Christmas is my favourite time a year since its all a made up, prettified version of my life.
The problem with this is that the real world doesnt cut it. After a party, a dip into that fantasy world, there is always a come down when I have to try and re adjust to my life again. After Burning Man, the ultimate fantasy, it was really hard for me to come back. But if I dont look for those experiences my life feel flat. I need them to feel alive, to feel like it all has meaning.
This knife edge balance make it easy for me to end up at war with myself. I want to chase the happiness the dream gives me but I also want to be happy with what i have. I want to be both those parts of me and for them to live in harmony but that’s where its easy to go wrong.
A big part of my issues lies in a constant inner fight between different wants and because they weigh equally I cant take decision, there is no right and wrong. I think parts of it is because these equally strong 2 parts of me – the one that wants to live in that dream and the one that tries to appreciate the real world. Before I can get them to work together it will be hard for me to find that balance im so desperately looking for.
Letters to my family 