Only 3 more days to Sweden. I have a jam packed weekend when I first arrive in Sweden. AW, drinks, boozy brunches and catch up with everyone I can fit in. Then straight down to the country house for a week of nothing. Cant imagine a better set up (well, snow, but ive given up on that)
Oliver and me have been speaking about me going back to Sthlm for a while. Not sure yet if that is the right thing to do but I have known for a while that something has to change. Since this is the thing I keep coming back to it might be somewhere to start. At the same time I just want to stay here with my little family and our flat i love so much.
Im confused to say the least. I have no idea what would make my life itch less but I need to start somewhere. That famous sentiment of ‘its only you who can change your life’. Well, I guess its true. I have no idea if Sthlm will change anything but if not at least i can rule it out.
My time is spent thinking and trying to figure this out. Im scared that im taking decisions based on my instability and that no matter what i wont be able to be happy since its in my brain but im even more scared of not trying to change and never know. Im also scared that im chasing something that isnt viable, that the ‘contentment’ im looking for is an illusion but I cling to my therapist’s words that ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ and it makes me hope that there is a way for me to feel better.
More than anything I feel stupid. Stupid for failing on something so basic as living and being ok. I have a great life and there is no reason for me not to be happy and still I just cant. Im so frustrated with myself and that makes it worse.
My promise to myself in 2015 is to try. Try and stop being angry at myself, try things to make me feel better, try to stop finding the ‘right answer’, try to be as true to myself as i can (even if I have absolutely no idea was that is since im thrown between what i want most of the time) and try to feel good about myself for trying.
Letters to my family 