All thats going down

Im thinking I shouldnt be writing here too much, that its self indulgent and no one cares and then i think ‘fuck it’. This is my space. My place to deal with Shit. That. Is. Going. Down. Like breaking up with your boyfriend. That is shit of epic proportions.

So, here goes. Another mind vomit of heart broken nonsense. Yes, still there. Still only 3 days. Even if this hurt makes it feel like its been at least 2 weeks. How can i still only be 3 days in? My calendar says it will be better in 3 months and that is another 90 days. I hope it starts getting better before that, i dont think i can do 90 days of this. My skin is broken up in pimples, my stomach hurts, my eyes are puffy from tears and I dont sleep.

I feel a bit numb. Like this isnt real. Like ill come home and miraculously it will all be fine. My house wont feel achingly empty and Oliver and me will smile at each other and say ‘how silly we are, of course its supposed to be us’. But its not. Deal with it.

Work. What a joke. I cry in the bathroom and pretend to care when my team mate asks me about emails. I dont. At all. I want to go to a dark bar and drink too many beers and smoke cigarettes and have a friend that says ‘its enough now’ and helps me home to put me in bed and put a glass of water by my bedside. 

I remember last time i was here. I kept thinking that i can never do this to myself again. It took 3 years before i let anyone in. I remember being angry at my friends telling me to stop, the ones i trusted to be carefree and stupid with me told me that this wasnt the way. Drinking until oblivion and behave like a kid wasnt the answer. I wonder if i will be told that again?

My thoughts go along the way of giving up. That maybe, finally, im allowed to. I fought my way through my depression, therapy, the realisation that something needs to change. I fought through it and just did it. Got out of bed, went to work, functioned. Am i allowed to not now? Ive taken the hardest decision of my life. Left what kept me sane and entered the fear of falling back into chaos and nothingness. Am i done now? I guess not.

Words churning. That is what they do. They dont help. Time, its only fucking time that will heal. I wish there was a short cut, a bear hibernating cave, an eternal sunshine on a spotless mind machine, anything to make this go away. Instead  I collect quotes on pinterest, listen to sad songs, cry to silly movies and read fantasy to try and make sense, chase away the demons and survive.

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