The first time I cried for as long as I can remember was in my first couple of months with Magnus. I had told him something very hard to talk about and he got so angry at the world and seeing his hurt i cried. It was a release. Being younger i had stopped crying for some reason. When my grandfather died my best friend said ‘you dont seem very sad, you dont cry’ and i wonder what was wrong with me, why i didnt have any feelings. I was 10 at the time and had met my grandfather a handful of times.
It took a long time for me to let crying be natural. When i broke up with Magnus is the first time i properly cried but even then i tried to push it down. I stood with Maggie at a bar on the night of our break up and tried to hide my tears. I remember late night calling Chrisse from some doorway crying my heart out asking if it would ever feel better. But that was only when i was drunk.
When i met Oliver tears became part of my life. Depression do that to you. How i cried. Everywhere. But they were tears of anguish. Impotent and a way for my body to reject how hard i found it to live. Tensed sobbing that tore itself from my body when i tried my best to shut it down. It was painful.
This time im not pushing anything down. I cry when i wake up, at work, to movies, to books, holding Woolly, talking to Oliver. And i think its good. It feels like im cleaning out all of that hurt with my tears. Like they carry the darkness with them. I know ill be dancing and laughing and faking, you have to, but if I can only get this out i think ill come out of this some demons lighter.
När Nisse är ledsen, rädd och ängslig, brukar jag säga till honom att det är bra att gråta. För i varje tår som faller finns en liten bit av det som gör dig ledsen. Och för varje person du vågar pratat med om det som gör dig ledsen, så följer en liten bit av det som skrämmer dig, sårar dig med I dina ord, I varje bokstav som kommer ur din mun fastnar en liten liten bit av ledsenheten. Att gråta rensar själen. ❤