Breaking into smithereens

I walk around like a ghost in our home. Me and Woolly both. None of us can sleep and he toss and turn next to me and I toss and turn next to him. I feel very lonely. And so so sad. I cry all the time, everything sets me off. Your scent on the pillow, realising that we will never buy a Christmas tree again and know that its the best tree ever, remembering walks along the river laughing and planning for our life together, knowing that that life will never happen.

‘It will be better’, they say. ‘Its better this way’, you say. I know. I know the pain will fade into lightly coloured memories of us. But right now I dont want that. I want us. We were going to start a family, now we plan to break apart our lives.

I hurt knowing I did this. You tell me it wasnt just me and I know it wasnt. It was us. I still hurt knowing I couldnt keep the happiness of us alive. That my worries and my need for something carried all that doubt in. You say it was for the best and that it would have happened eventually, that you dont want to trap me, that all my worries are valid and you are probably right. It doesnt matter, I still hurt so much i cant sleep, eat or function.

This will be ok, we will be ok and one day we will look at our lives and be very happy at the decision taken but a piece of me will always wonder if we could have been just as happy together.

Blueberry soup

Ive been having an iffy couple of days. Third time this year, not so sure its a charm. Ive been properly taken out three times this year already. Think its stress. Losing hair, tired and sick. Feels like stress to me. Guessing its the whole ‘move back to Sweden or not’ question.

Im contemplating herbs, vitamins and anything that could work. But being lazy and inheritable bad at looking after myself (might come from my mums sentiment that being sick is just imagination) I probably wont do anything about it and keep getting taken out from time to time.

Since i have an awesome boyfriend (that cares more for my well being than i do) he walked to Barnes and got me the necessary sick food. Blueberry soup. This is what I remember being given as a kid being sick. It made me instantly better so im kind of ready to take on weekend.

Jules and Masken is here and we are going for Chicken Kiev at Ffionas on Sunday. That chicken Kiev is the bane of my ‘taking care of guests’ existence. Mum loves it and talks about every time she comes here and now Jules as well. If i ever start a restaurant it will only serve Chicken Kiev. Period.

Dance with Me

Dior and I

On tuesday evening oliver and me were invited to a pre screening of the documentary Dior and I. Yes, it was by Harpers and it was us and a lot of little, very smartly dressed, fashion interns. I wore jeans and t-shirt. If you cant beat them, give up.

We got champagne and to sit in a very orange and purple room. Loved it. I loved even more when all the fashion people gasped, sighed and laughed on cue. Half of which i had no idea why. Oh well, you live and learn. 

The movie was directed by Frederic Tchen and he was there for a QA. I loved the movie. Didnt think i would but he had made so humane and sweet and the french seamstresses made it. I kept thinking it was so great that he hadnt made it about the flair and money of the fashion industry but about the people in it. as well as gorgeous dresses. Best combination ever.

The lobby. They apparently have amazing afternoon tea here. Thinking about taking mum and dad when they are here next time.

Monday musings

Fun things that happened on my Monday:

– I found out that Jules is going to be an aunt which means Martin is going to be a dad. Feels like yesterday i dreamt that Julia was hunting me with a Martin painting.
– My sister asked if i want to see Madonna with her in Sthlm in November.  Best thing ever with plans almost a year in advance.
– I had a fashion related crisis for the Dior pre screening via Harpers Ol and me are going to tonight. Until i realised that black is always best and went for black jeans, black t-shirt and black boots. Its my witch gone punk look, never fails.
– We watched Gotham and ate gammon stir fry.

Here a very spring picture from Olivers PAD. Its almost there outside now but since its been a cold spring its a little bit longer to go.

Lydia is also pregnant. Its a baby boom. When did we become old enough to be parents?

Me and baby bro talking life at the country house.

Let Go


Tired today. I blame it on the vast amount of vodka I drank on Saturday while watching melodifestivalen at the Tomlins. I was wearing silver skirt though and that counts for a lot.

Friday night was spent at home reading and talking and using our new combined slow cooker and rice machine. That made oliver go off on all cylinders, he love that shit. Saturday morning I was made poached eggs by my lovely boyfriend and we went for a walk long the river.

For the evening I headed up East to the Tomlins (Ol and melodifestivalen dont go well together) where we cheered for Mans, drank espresso martinis and had to the watch the sign language version due to streaming issues (love that they danced the songs as well as sign them. Half the joy)


We also took groupie pictures in support of Elin having betted money on Groupie to come in the top 3 (it didnt, we drank drinks to soften the blow)

Elin and me found a bottle of ‘firestarter’ vodka in the local shop and that pushed all of us over the edge to very, very drunk.

 That meant we had to go out. Elin matched my silver skirt with a silver jacket and we went to Glory, the warmest club ive ever been in. Pretty sure it was just a ruse to get people to remove all of their clothes. We stayed for 5 minutes before we went to Shoreditch House.

 Where we stayed for about 10 minutes, had a cocktail, raided the sweetie corner and went home where Tom and me passed out on the sofa together with Roxy

After what felt like an hour long, very bumpy, cab ride i came home and died on the sofa. Got up long enough to walk Woolly but that was about it.


State of mind

Its Friday, im a bit hangy, I had pizza, cheesecake and bim bim bap for lunch and tonight Ol and me are chillin on the sofa. Welcome weekend.

(From Moomin. ‘Dont let him smoke! Sniff yelled. Hemulens aunt says you get shivering paws, yellow nose and bald tail from it! Well, said Moomin mom. He has smoked all his life and he is neither shivery, yellow or bald. Everything nice is good for the stomach’  Power to Moomin mom.

For whom the bells bols

Went out for drinks with Tommy, my colleague Dimitra and my old colleague Lisa that Tommy now happens to work with. Small world.The whole concept of London being small enough for people you know to start working with each other made me so excited I drank one too many drinks. As one do when one is having spring in the eyes and like drinking cocktails.

We went to the cocktail trading co and went through their list of wonderfully weird drinks. I started with a Festival chic. It got served in a wellie with a lollipop and trail mix on top. Needless to say my that was The.Best. Thing. Ever.

Tommy started out with a corpse rejuvenator. Yup, there is a little skeletal hand sticking up out of the grassy mound his drink is resting on. So epic. As the big kid I am I love the thought of drinking from what is basically toys for grown ups.

No, this is not dinner (eating is cheating), it is Lisa’s drink. With real noodles on top. Tasty.

I managed to order the candy drinks over and over again (weird that…). This is a little owl with cotton candy and edible flowers on top. Yes jules, we might have to go here when you come visit.

Tommy, being surrounded by women as always, started drinking whiskey sours so i had him posing with my kiddie drink to make him look less, well, normal. For being a football loving lad from Somerset he does cotton candy owl posing very naturally. You just have to love that.

Another drink being lit on fire (yes, I was very impressed by their shit. Its like fancy dress for cocktails and that is just awesome)

Cookies and cream being served out of a bell. Weirdly satisfying drinking from since the metal in the bell was kept all cold by the ice. Who knew.

Dimitra and my bell dink. Since that was the last of the weird and wonderful we decided to head to the next place and started rambling through the streets in that chase for the dream.

Next pub had a screaming deal. 4 jagerbombs for £16 or 6 for £14.50.

Yes, you read it correct.

Dimitra went for the 6 (of course). That was it. Say goodbye to tomorrow. 

Tommy wasnt all too happy given he had an important meeting the day after but he knew there was no point arguing with three women with a plan. Smart man that.

The night ended with karaoke. Say no more.

Eve of destruction

Friends for F**ing ever!

Met Benjie for a drink and a chat last night. Long overdue. Downside with all of us being coupled up and really liking hanging out is that you dont get as much one on one time. So, Ben and me decided that, hey, you know what, it will only be us tonight.

We decided to meet up around King’s Cross and that was a nightmare in itself. My phone died after having taken me halfway around the station…in the wrong direction.40 minutes later I had walked into every bar, hotel and restaurant around the area to try and find the place. What did you do before phones?

Once there we had a great evening eating burgers and fried pickles (dont ask). My friends are pretty awesome and I will always have special place in my heart for Ibiza for giving me Benjie and Tom and in the long run Oliver. People say its only drugs and partying, I say its 2 British guys with a love for euro disco and dancing with summer in their eyes.

Tonight seeing Tommy, Lisa and Dimitra for a drink. Yes, spring is definitely in the air and I remember how much I love being alive.