Going back to Sweden tomorrow (if anyone missed that). I know Ive been going on about it but its funny how much you need to go back to the basics when you are sad and life goes all weird. I want to eat easy food, wear comfortable clothes, watch easy stuff and hang out with people I know. Everything that is the least bit tricky makes me go all ‘oh hell no, aint doing that’. I dream big but do little.
I am feeling ok today though. Celebrate the good days. No matter how hard this is there is a part in me that is very happy about not being stuck in all those bad thoughts any longer. Everything was so hard for a bit at the end of our relationship. I didnt want to do anything, was so tired and felt so stuck. Im coming undone now. Both in the bad and the good way. The good is that I no longer have to fight against myself and my own thoughts. Im pretty accepting to myself right now and focuses on taking it one day at a time.
If you are like me, a constant worrier, actual things that happens are easier to deal with because they give you a focus. Right now I know why im unhappy and that it will get better. Unlike when life is bad for no reason, those days are hard and creeps up on you. I ended up somewhere in our relationship where I knew i should be happy with this amazing man, my pretty flat, my dog and my life but I weren’t. Probably loads of reasons for it but after medicine and therapy not helping I felt I needed to change things.
How will you ever know if you do the right things? The only way to get that answer is to listen to that feeling in your stomach that tells right from wrong and its telling me this is what needed to happen. My heart is sad but my stomach is on the right track. Whatever comes out of this, this needed to happen. This decision, his journey.
When I see Oliver now I see my best friend, one of the kindest men i know, someone who makes me smile and write the wittiest texts i know. I dont see demons dancing around driving me crazy. Im not sure where Ol and me will end up but I hope its somewhere when I can let him be the awesome person he is.
A somewhat better moon than mine
Letters to my family 