Had dinner with Ben and Candice yesterday. Im a social butterfly at the moment but its a bit hard doing it on your own. I used to love going somewhere with Oliver. Meet up, get on the tube together and then on the way home discuss the evening and lean my weary head after a couple of beers on Olivers shoulder. Now its just me. I sit on the tube by myself feeling lonely.
Bendice are talking about buying a house in the suburbs. I feel so alien to their plans. Its just to accept that if you break up during this time in your life you are very far away from your friends. Im thinking about moving in with others, they about buying a house. I always used to think I wasnt done, that I had so much more partying and experiencing in me but i really dont any longer, I actually want to settle down but i guess i have a couple of more years to go. Candice said i should travel for a year but i dont want that, I want to work out where I want to live and create a life.
I think that even if im single i need to create a safe place and a home for myself. I never felt at home in London and couldn’t see myself live here and that it was ultimately broke us. Oliver didnt understand what I needed – someone who was willing to try and create that home with me where I needed it, someone that chose me and us. His career and family here in London was too important to him and who am I to blame him for that when part of why i could never feel truly at home here was feeling rootless.
Since I dont have anyone to help me do that I have to do it on my own. Create a place where I feel that i can be me. This feeling of being lost have been hard for me to handle for the last 5 years and even before that. This flat is the longest I have lived anywhere for the last 15 years and its been 19 months. I dont want to move, I dont want to break up, start new, being rootless again but to get where i need to go I have to do it again.
Letters to my family 