Should I, should I not?

Sometimes Im so tired of this little blog. How to come up with things to write about every day? Especially when Ive taken a decision to only write about my life, my day to day. Its actually not that interesting. My mum asked my once why its only food and the dog and well, because most of the days my life is mostly food, sofa and dog.

And then there is now. When my life is upside down and I go through 1000 emotions every day. Its hard to write about. Or i do and then 10 minutes later i feel something else and feel a bit silly about what i just wrote. At the same time its therapeutic. I have to own up to my feelings if i put them on here. Its also a way to tell people the things I cant talk about.

I have everything from the last 4 years on here. Meeting Ol, falling in love, moving in, getting Woolly – all the happy, amazing things. I also have all of mental issues, my eating disorders and depression as well as my therapy and my journey to get better – all the none so amazing things. Even if it hurts to go back and look at all that its good to know that I can, that its here, that I have my history here.

I guess im trying to figure why im doing this, if I should keep going and justify my complete selfishness. Dad always comment on how self indulgent all writers are nowadays only writing about ‘me, me, me’ and I agree. So, how and why do I keep doing this then?

Pic by Lisa

‘If he’s gone I cant go on feeling two-foot small’

I go between being strong as an ox, ready to take over the world, and small as a fly not knowing who I am and what i do. I hear myself telling my friends ‘this is the right thing, this needed to happen. Maybe ill travel or quit my job, either way i feel good about it.’ I hear myself say it and a voice inside of me screams ‘shut up, why do you have to be so f**king strong all the time. You don’t have to make people feel ok around you by faking’

Inside my head its cracks and wounds and scabs barely healed over. Inside my head im patching over the hurt as i go with everything i can find. I watch series and whenever things are emotional I play candy crush on my phone. I plan big with people that I know can take away the loneliness for a bit but are no cure. I sit in the middle of all my coupled up friends talking about how I have no ties, how free i am. I sit there and refuse to be quiet for a second, refuse to let the feelings come. I sit there and cant look them in the eyes, I don’t want anyone to see me.

What i dont want to look closer at is that I dont want to be free, I want to be with someone. I want a home and a two. I want to build a life together with someone and I dont want to make all of those plans on my own. I want all the things I just said goodbye too.

Sometimes you just need people to not tell you it will be ok, to let you feel like, and live through, the world crashing down. Because it is. No matter what I tell people I still hate going to bed in the evening and Im faking it so hard my body is breaking apart. When i drink I fall to pieces, I lay on the floor of my flat crying with Woolly licking my tears.

I try and live up to the image of this, of me. Im told im strong and brave so I act that way, that is what people expect. But i dont want to be strong. What they dont get is that its not hard for me to pretend bravery, to be on my own, to go into the world head held high. I want to be weak and little and need and crying. That is what is hard for me. I want to not bottle up and go on, I want the sadness and the hurt. I want to feel.

So i drink, because there, at one point when ive smiled and pretended too much i find it, the sadness, the feelings, the hurt that make me curse Oliver, my life, my friends, every damn thing for being SHIT. There i feel like someone who can fall in love again and give my heart. There I find the girl who doesn’t have to be brave and strong, the one that is allowed to be sad. She needs me. She might smoke too much, drink one too many shots and sometimes she cries in public. But i love her and she really do need me, otherwise im worried she’ll hide behind all that bravery and die.

Pic one PAD, pic two Lisa

Things you do when the suns out

In 4 days im in Sweden. Amazing. I really want skagen, Ive been dreaming of that for the last couple of weeks. The good kind, not the too mayonnaise kind. And cinnamon buns. And candy. Like always.

My life keeps going. As lives do. Everything feels paused and accelerated at the same time. Im figuring out what i want to do. Move back, quite my job, go traveling. The possibilities are endless now that I have no ties. Maybe ill do a 3 month trip somewhere, get some energy and then move back to Sweden. Or stay here for a bit. Who knows.

On Friday I got drunk. Decided not to think too much. Was home for Woolla at 10 but still felt like shit the morning after.

Not too bad with this little fur ball next to you though even if he keeps kicking me in the night. 

Me and Tommy decided to go to Richmond for the day. We had lunch and then walked for 4 hours. Good work us, a proper adventure (I might have turned a bit moany and hanging by the end. Shame)

After our mega walk I decided to skip the drinks in the evening and stayed on the sofa eating ice cream and watching The 100’s. First me, Ol and Jacke went for steak at the havelock. A second helping of chips for the day, have to help up all that walking.

Started Sunday with a luxurious breakfast. Look at that beauty. Food bloggers aint got nothing on  me. After this brekkie for champions Jacke and me went to Westfields, I sorted out my phone contract and we had a great time in poundland.

You could say thats a day well spent but I had one last stop on my weekend agenda and popped over to Laura’s to celebrate this beauty on her birthday.

She served mini cupcakes. With tiny oreos on. Yes,.

Yes, that was my weekend in all its glory. Ready for some days of peace and quiet now. Sweden, here I come!

‘I’m staring at the asphalt wondering what’s buried underneath’

I feel like such a fail. To be here again, the single party girl, the girl that have too much fun to meet a guy and focuses on her friends over a relationship. The one that will live alone forever and didnt manage to do the whole family, grown up thing. Basically the things ive been scared of my entire life.

At 10 I said that i will never marry and at 20 i started to proclaim that i would be a single mum. A part of me has always been scared of not being able to be with someone, to make a relationship work, and with this all of those feelings come up. Mostly that of failure.

The thought of going back to Sweden and tell people that ‘yes, we broke up and yes, im all single and partying again‘ scares me. (Only Sweden though, here i know that people don’t care, there are less a sign off success to do what everyone else does. In Sweden everyone will feel sorry for me being single in my 30’s and think to themselves ‘thank god that’s not me’). I don’t want to have to explain why and what im going to do now, what my ‘how to not be single’ plan is looking (everyone knows you need one of those). Basically Sweden feels to me like a country of Seb’s that will tell me about their single friends I should hook up with and let me know the next man should be the one.

London is easier. Its not so obvious that having kids and a family is the only way to do things. People here give me a high five and tell me of all the fun things we will do. They let me know I have all the time in the world to do whatever i want and why Im awesome on my own. They don’t make me feel like I failed, more like ‘wow, it will be an adventure’.

I don’t want to feel like a fail. I don’t want those ideas of how things should be done to influence me to feel like I couldn’t do it. That just because I don’t own anything in this world (except for some clothes and a dog), I don’t have a relationship and im not on the road that most people are on Im less successful.

I want to be able to focus on all the things I have instead. An amazing network of PEOPLE. Yes, they are capital because they are a mix of everything. From all over the world, with crazy minds and so much love for me. I have a dog, a flat and an ex that still wants me the best. I have a slightly broken mind but im working on it, Im getting to know myself and I have a drive for making my world better. I have time for my friends and interest in them enough to try and be a better friend and there when they need me. I have traveled all over the world and been to places most people just dream about. I have a love for true adventures and im actually living them. I walk away or try and change things that makes me unhappy.

When i really think about all that I dont feel like a fail. I feel like someone who is trying to find herself hitting some bumps on the road. Its hard to stop beating yourself up about the things deep rooted in your mind but I need to be able to believe im not a fail if i am to get out of this head held high.

Yes man

Yesterday worked from home mostly walking the dog and chillin on the sofa, what you can do when you email is out of action and most things dont work. Boojah!

After a day at home I decided to go up Kings Cross to meet Kirsten for some drinks while her new boyfriend were DJing. It turned out it was a corporate event with the whole room filled with suits. Really!? We had a couple of beers, some pizza, laughed at all the suits and then went home.

Pretty nice pizza. This was the only thing worth taking a pic of and what a crap pic. Winning.

The weekend is fully booked (if i can convince myself to do all of it). Tonight drinks at work and then potentially AW with Erik, tomorrow walk with Tommy and then dinner with Kirsten in the evening and sunday BBQ at Laura and Seb’s.

Yes, see me rollin’. The problem with being single again is all the social things and my inability to say no to anything fun. Especially since im going ‘Yes man’ on my life and have decided to say yes to almost everything. Whoever gets me first gets a yes (well, that doesnt apply to guys, still saying no to them). So far im planning trip w my sister, Spain w Sanna, Amsterdam w Tommy, maybe another BM round and numerous fun evenings out.

Sunshine and delicato balls

Working from home today. Pretty easy. W and me took a long walk along the river in the sunshine and now making lunch, hanging washing and writing emails. Can’t complain about being able to do all my work from my sofa.

Tonight meeting Kirsten for a drink and being introduced to her new boyfriend. Very excited. I need to get out and meet some new people. That’s what London is amazing for and I need to take advantage of that. 
But first, sofa and a delicato ball curtesy of Oliver and ikea. 

‘I’ve experienced you, I can never lose you’

I had a good feeling today laying out in the sun. It came bubbling up and it made me tingle from head to toe with the possibilities of the things I want to do. Ive been so unhappy or worried or confused for so long now and it hit me that i can DO WHATEVER I WANT.

I can switch city, switch job, switch me if I want to. I can travel, meet new people, hang with the people I already love and do things that make me happy.

I dont have to worry anymore. I dont have to lay awake and try and come up with the answer to a question that has no answer. Or discuss with Ol endlessly about things we cant agree on. Or try and picture a future that doesnt come together in my head.

I will miss Oliver for a long time, part of me probably forever (how not miss someone that can make you smile all the way into your heart, lets you be a unicorn every day, that holds all your worries and dry your tears and gives you his heart?) and I will always love what we had and be so happy for it, he has helped me more, and been so much for me, than I think he’ll ever realise, but i no longer have to be stuck in something I dont know how to move forward. I dont have to see the hurt in someone elses eyes when they cant reach me.

Instead I will try and follow me. The things that make ME happy. Like watching musicals half of the night, or go out for beers even if I said I wont, or read all day on the sofa just because I can, or talk to boys and make them my friend because that is what i need more than anything, or let people say nice things about me, or talk to everyone I meet because I think they are all amazing, or go to the seediest, smallest bar and then go somewhere fancy, or dress in inappropriate clothes, or buy flowers for myself, or spend too much money on a dinner with someone just because I want to see their face, or get all excited about superficial stuff like pretty shoes, or tell people they make me so happy because they do, or laugh out loud when I shouldnt, or write about things on the blog that are self indulgent, or meet Ol when I probably shouldn’t, or dance with boys that mean nothing just because I love dancing, or simply just do the things I want to do.

Summer vibes

Its full on summer in London for 2 days only. 22 degrees and sitting in the park during lunch. Yesterday Jacke and me brought some sushi and sat down with all the other sun thirsty londoners.

One happy guy. No rain since he came, once again London prove that the all rain myth is a lie.

After work met Kirsten. She broke up with her boyfriend 6 months ago so knows what im going through. We made plans and she tried to get me on Tinder. Nope, im happy being sad.

Read the last Murakami novel finally and loved it. It resonated well with how i am at the moment. I love his way of describing broken people trying to make life work. I feel that. Being in your 30’s and not knowing why and how it went wrong but doing your best to fix it to be a whole person.

Today sun again. Got barely anything to do at work due to some internal changes and email setups etc so I will take a long lunch outside. This summer will be all about saying yes to things and fun. I think I need that. Find my inner gut feeling, I lost that for a while and I was so confused i didnt know what I actually wanted to do so ill take that back. Be me.

Say no to hello

One of the things I find hardest in all of this is the idea that I have to start over again. Being single, go on dates, meet some assholes, meet some half decent ones, meet someone that’s actually cool, trust, believe in shit again and start up a new relationship.

No thanks.

All of that feels completely impossible. Even more so after being with someone I loved and think is amazing and it still not working. How. The. Fuck. Is. This. Stuff. Supposed. To. Work. Then? I just dont get it. I cant see any situation or person I would like to be in/with. Even worse, going on dates with guys that are completely wrong for me just because its something I should do. Really?

Whenever I think about it I want to give up and become crazy dog lady. Or move to some remote village in Spain where I can live like a retired old lady with my roses. Or become a hippie and skip the whole family thing. Anything but having to go through this mess again.

For now im safe hanging with my friends not talking to new people.

Im gonna show you crazy