I don’t really want to write about how im feeling. I’m trying to not think about it, to shy away from it, to watch girlie movies and turn off. I feel like im repeating myself and nothing good can come out of it.
I wasn’t prepared for this, i thought it would be easier. This is really hard and im sad. That’s about the gist of it. Just really, bone weary, sad. That kind that make you not smile when you see something nice, that makes you dread seeing your friends and pretend and the kind that makes drinking dangerous because there is nothing in you that are really enjoying yourself.
I catch myself stopping in the middle of things not being able to push it down any longer and getting pulled under. I try really hard to fight it. I think happy thoughts, see my friends and try and take care of myself. I keep thinking its time and it will heal.
But, there is something at the bottom of this im trying to reach. Its the fact that i haven’t been truly happy in a long time. Its that something that made Ol and me end it in the first place, that undefined reason that make London so hard for me to be in but made me leave Stockholm. I don’t seem to be able to find peace. I wish I could find what it is I’m looking for but it keeps out of my reach.
When smack mid in my depression I kept feeling i was stuck behind this glass wall looking through at everything not being able to actually feel anything else than nothingness. Now, im feeling it with all my heart. It bleeds out in front of my eyes and I cry. All the time. I cry for Oliver and me but also for me. I cry for these years of unhappiness and struggle, I cry from the fear that it will never get better, I cry because i think I deserve better than feeling this sad all the time.
Its hard to find a way to fight sadness, especially when you have tried most of it. Hanging with my friends feel too bright, I feel too brittle, like they can see through the facade. Being on my own is lonely. Meeting new people feel so hollow and meaningless. So i end up drifting, always drifting to find my place and what it is keep looking for.