Lullabies for barflies

Its been 3 months since we broke up and my calendar tell me that its time to stop crying and start living. I’m not sure why 3 months felt like the magic number but in my first week I remember thinking that by then it should all be a little easier.

It is. Everything is easier than that first week. I don’t feel like i lost half of myself and Woolly and me sleeps soundly next to each other every night. I’ve even seen one or two boys making my stomach do back flips. I know in my heart this is the best that could happen for Oliver and me.

I survived these three first months. I got through crying and not sleeping. My skin has cleared up and my hair is back to normal. I no longer dream of being raped and killed every night. I have stopped listening to my sad music list and i don’t get panic attacks when i get home to the empty flat. I have laughed like I meant it and danced with people I love. I manage on my own.

But, things are still shaky. Of the less obvious kind. I get too drunk when i drink. I’m scared of meeting someone new, of risking my heart. I don’t dare to take any decisions, afraid that they’ll make me sad again. I want to turn to Ol with everything even if he is not mine. I’m angry at myself and the world for me being here. I’m jealous of my friends having what i want and I feel very alone. I still watch anime and do nothing.

3 months. I have stopped crying but I’m not fully living yet. I’m not sure I can. The thought of meeting someone, caring, feels very far away. I need to defrost and dare. I need to meet someone that makes me smile from my toes and gets my skin tingling. Even if its only for a little while.

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