Hey, its been 4 months tomorrow. Shit, times flown by. Its like they say, time do really heal all wounds. Im actually ok. I never thought that would happen day 2 when my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Or, I knew it would get better, the way you ‘know’ these kind of things but i couldnt feel it. When my life consisted of crying and endless hours of anime I thought i would be sad forever. I really did. I couldnt see myself ever smile again.
Slowly i got out of the worst bits and summer hit me full force. Instead of hating of the flowers of spring I started loving the green of summer. I switched my ‘when it fucking hurts’ music list to my ‘HAPPY’ one and started wearing cute clothes again feeling alive. I danced in a club in Prague with my sister and felt my heart healing.
I kissed boys. I felt like I could maybe, potentially, like someone a little bit again. My dreams went from being killed every night to those of holidays and sun. I started daydreaming again. How i missed that. Suddenly I saw cute boys and made up a whole life with them in the space of a tube journey.
More than anything, my smile came back. I had people telling me my smile can make anyone happy, that my dancing is pure joy and that im the coolest person they know. I became me from that sad, worried shadow.
But a better me. A me that’s realised more about myself. A me that wont hide from my feelings any longer. That won’t try and control every aspect of my emotional life but fight to let go. That doesnt come naturally. My life has been a series of ‘this is not good for me, Ill chose the right thing. Ive just decided this is ‘right”. Im not saying thats been wrong but there has been a big thing of saving myself from getting hurt by hiding behind complete control over the emotional situation.
So, 4 months later im getting there. Im making plans, trying to grow and of course, worry the shit out of myself about the whole being single, baby thing but im sure that will work out (gaaaaaah)