4 months and im slowly getting there

Hey, its been 4 months tomorrow. Shit, times flown by. Its like they say, time do really heal all wounds. Im actually ok. I never thought that would happen day 2 when my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Or, I knew it would get better, the way you ‘know’ these kind of things but i couldnt feel it. When my life consisted of crying and endless hours of anime I thought i would be sad forever. I really did. I couldnt see myself ever smile again.

Slowly i got out of the worst bits and summer hit me full force. Instead of hating of the flowers of spring I started loving the green of summer. I switched my ‘when it fucking hurts’ music list to my ‘HAPPY’ one and started wearing cute clothes again feeling alive. I danced in a club in Prague with my sister and felt my heart healing.

I kissed boys. I felt like I could maybe, potentially, like someone a little bit again. My dreams went from being killed every night to those of holidays and sun. I started daydreaming again. How i missed that. Suddenly I saw cute boys and made up a whole life with them in the space of a tube journey.

More than anything, my smile came back. I had people telling me my smile can make anyone happy, that my dancing is pure joy and that im the coolest person they know. I became me from that sad, worried shadow.

But a better me. A me that’s realised more about myself. A me that wont hide from my feelings any longer. That won’t try and control every aspect of my emotional life but fight to let go. That doesnt come naturally. My life has been a series of ‘this is not good for me, Ill chose the right thing. Ive just decided this is ‘right”. Im not saying thats been wrong but there has been a big thing of saving myself from getting hurt by hiding behind complete control over the emotional situation.

No longer. My goal is to try and let go and maybe meet someone who is not ‘right’ from my controlled point of view but maybe right by making me not so scared of my feelings.

So, 4 months later im getting there. Im making plans, trying to grow and of course, worry the shit out of myself about the whole being single, baby thing but im sure that will work out (gaaaaaah)

It’s a dogs life

One thing about being a divorced dog parent is the leaving and picking up. Loads of that going on. Mostly I leave W with M in the mornings and then about half of the time i swing by the studio and pick him up on the way home.

That would be ok if it wasnt for the rush hour tube. In other words – hell on earth. Poor W has to stand patiently through all of that looking as miserable as i feel.

He is good though. He kind of knows its his routine now. He hates the us not going home together like a happy family but he is fine. He gets love from both of us every day so life is pretty sweet for this little furball.

He also gets my left overs. He loves anything chicken but doesnt say no to a perfect arrabiata. And he sleeps in my bed all streched out next to me and wake me up at least twice a night to be let out. Just like a parent. At least i got some grown up points in my life.

This one went by as well

Another weekend over. What did I do – well nothing. Hallelujah. It was pretty boring but much needed for my poor body struggling with this summers excessive living.

Well, I guess Friday i got sucked into the company celebrating the virgin re brand with jello shots and pink, very alcoholic, slushees. We also played beer pong. I sucked but got to be on the team because i had swag (a bit like back in the days on the choir in Lund).

After making a beer pong fool of myself I went to pick up the dog from Oliver and had some dinner with him and M. Me tipsy, them very much sober.

Saturday…hm…walked the dog, went to westfields, read the last book in Boije af Gennas amazing trilogy about Stockholm (in actual book form) and made dinner for J and me. Felt like holiday mood. Minus the alcohol. And sun.

On Sunday J and me went down to Southbank to get some London feeling. This is some people playing classical music by the tube. We also ate burrito. After that J went to watch football and I went to westfields…again. Bought some scandalosuly short shorts and crop tops on the sale for BM. Since you are basically naked in the desert i felt like this year I should have some actual tops and not just bikinis. Being 33 and all.

This morning it poured down and i went function over fashion. Must be some kind of left over from Ol. J gave up half way but W and me fought through the weather (well, I had to drag W half the way). Now, Monday morning in the office.

Thirsty Thursdays

It was Thirsty Thursdays last night and true to form went out for one (maybe more) drinks with my colleagues. Due to the company having some deal with one of the pubs you get a free bottle of wine and happy hour until 9 if you book a table. Easy. Thats like catnip to my (not me mind you) colleagues. (Especially Miles who booked a table even if he only had 2 hours before heading off to get as drunk as possible. He did well.)

We headed to the Warwick and had some ciders/beers/wine and talked shit. You could say that is what our thursdays are all about. This time around we got to see Kola’s Magic Mike video, discuss babies vs marriage w Chris (the others were not happy about such a grown up subject) and send a ‘flick the finger at miles’ picture for leaving us to go to Leicester.

Damn you Miles. (also, who is the man inte background? We looked around after the pic was taken and he was just pooof, gone. A ghost)

Burrito heaven

Introduced my bestest Tom and cuz to each other last night.

It went well…

We went to a pub and met with Jon and his new (well, old, he broke up with her to move to the states to be with a girl that lives in Canada (!) but that fell through so they are back together. His life is like a Seth Rogen comedy) girlfriend. The boys bonded over football and very un PC jokes. And beers. Beers always helps. 

After all those beers we went to Wahaca for some mexican. Tom thought we needed tequila. That guy is my guru. Wednesday night tequila is a must (for those of you (mum) thinking ‘should she really be partying that much?’ the answer is ‘yes, I very much should. what the heart needs the heart get’.)

There was also food.

Loads of food.

After burrito heaven we took a cab home since my little furball was home waiting for me. Him and me had some crazy run around then went to bed sleeping in a little huddle of coziness.

But first, blistered feet on the bathroom carpet. All my normal plasters are out so im using my BM neon stash. Looks awesome next to my homeless feet.

Here, a bonus picture. Drunken girl on the sofa. Thats me.

Ville Vesslaing

Look at me, im shooting off some more summer party pics. Crazy cowboy.

Me in full on Ägermesiter mood. This happens. Quite often to be honest. And since this kind of full on, mental partying speaks to me I was channeling the Ägermeister all night.

Dancing. Being happy. Best kind.

Me and cuz (i know we are not really but that is how everyone knows us here). We have decided to hold a crayfish party here in London in September. Will be awesome, we just need to find somewhere to actually be. Petitesser.

Today im wearing Ville Vessla shoes and are feeling quite hemlig. Ol and me went for dinner last night and had a proper catch up for the first time in ages. He is doing well. It makes me very happy that we can do this whole friendship thing – i think he is pretty damn amazing after all and when he gets old and look back at its life i hope he sees me celebrating him always. 

Summer party awesomness

Found a stash of pictures from the summer party. Or found, rather stole from my colleague. Good thing someone actually took some pictures and didnt just dance like a mentalist and drank too many vodka redbulls.

 This is the area. An amusement park just for us. If Carslberg did summer parties…

 

Local pub close to the office is 3 crowns. Summer party had a 4 crowns. One up for the summer party. It also had a polish lady singing cokney songs in a truly terrible way. So. Much. Fun.

 

 There was also camels. Why not one might ask.

And mechanical bull riding. Alvaro showing some skills. Wise after my tries in Toronto i skipped and left this one for the pros.

You could also hang with Heisenberg and make some meth shots in his caravan.

Or just play gigantic scrabble.

But, me and cuz did what we do best. Drank, danced and just generally owned.

Jennifer and Felipe was on our team – the swedish/brasilian drinking team. Love that team.

Dehydrating. Might look like a played it well and made sure to have every other water. I didnt, this was the last water for the day.

After that mostly dancing and making sure the glass was never empty. 

Chia focused on food and wore a funny hat. Everyone loves a weird pie and a fez.

Our CEO pouring shots straight into my mouth. No wonder our parties are the best ever with that kind of management.

It became dark. Some people went on rides and enjoyed the view that is a lit up playground.

I hugged people I have no idea who they are (seems I like her)

and nose butted people.

There were even some lovely fire works

and lovely, drunken, awesome people.

I end with a very telling picture of my state of mind. Absolutely, frekking amazing.

Being vulnerable

For the last year my life has been on a bit of a journey. Hard to miss if you read this blog. I started therapy and opened a can of worms that are slowly leading to what I hope is a better me.

Not without hiccups. I wish that Ol and me hadnt had to realise we are not meant to be together. I know its right but I can still dream of a world where it wasnt so. I wish i didnt have as much work as i do to become who i want to be and I wish the journey werent so long.

However, its needed, badly needed. Watching the clip attached and her talk about vulnerability and how without that we numb I realise this is the road i am on. At one point in my life I decided to shut down, become someone who doesnt care. I prided myself at not crying from the age of 8 and I loved telling people how good I am at controlling my feelings.

And i tried, so hard. Every destructive, self harming thing i have done came about when I was trying to control emotions I didnt want to see. When i pushed down and told the world ‘im fine, lets party on’ bad things happened to my mind and relationships.

It was when i started telling people how bad it really was it started changing. When i decided to let go of the shame of being someone so weak I had to puke up my food to feel good and instead say ‘im not perfect and i love myself for it’ and started telling people about it thar things slowly got better. To stand up for yourself and to others for your weakness.

One of the most telling things i did was at my cousins wedding. My brother came up and made a stupid, and innocent, joke about me looking fat and old in the dress I was wearing. It made me so sad. Old me would have swallowed the hurt and laughed knowing he didnt really mean anything by it but instead I told him. This then went to my mum telling my i was silly for making a thing about it and trying to belittle the hurt i felt. Again, normal me would have agreed with her and pushed the hurt down. Instead i looked at her and said ‘but isnt it enough it made me sad’.

The thing is, it is. If something makes you sad tell people and instead of that getting stuck inside you hurting you get it out of the way and can move on. That is what i do now. I tell people, over and over again, how sad ive been over Oliver and me, how i broke my heart and how hard its been. And, the best part is, its healing. Its not stuck in me festering. Instead im getting better and feeling happier all while working on my relationships and keeping Oliver in my life.

Im sure ill keep struggling with this and I still have loads to work on with the ‘telling people i love them’ part but im going to try really hard to not see my vulnerability as a weakness but rather an important part of me. By doing that ill become even stronger.

Going up and then coming down

Im going to let you in on a little secret – im kind of happy its only half of summer left to go. I dont think my body, or mind for that matter, will survive much longer of this much fun.

And in line of that well, Burning Man is happening. Dani told me she got me a ticket. Skrackblandad fortjusning as we say in swedish (terrified joy). I will start planning tomorrow – today I want the world to disappear and me with it.

Anyway. Weekend happened. On Friday I was supposed to go home after thursday’s drinking BUT you know, being single and all, there is no one at home and W was away and well, socialising felt less suicidal so there goes.

Me and Dimitra were sending selfie messages to people on FB and drinking. Standard.

Pretty awesome picture of Chia and Jacke. I think they are discussing Tinder. Still to try that stuff but Jacke is the McDaddy.

After having rock, scissor, hand (as Dimitra says) on what to do when we left the office 3 crowns won and we went there for one. However, knowing summer party made an early start the morning after we went for burner and early to bed.

Or, could have been. I was SO FUCKING HAPPY on my way home having gotten BM news and just generally loving life I ended walking the streets for 2 more hours and then jumping in bed (love jumping in bed) for another hour scream singing in my lonesome and kept thinking ‘remember this when the world is grey again. Remember that you can be happy’

Then summer party happened…

We started at Miles with some fardkost and to skip the hoards of kids. Once out realised that once again the work parties are amazing. There was camel riding, sky diving, a breaking bad meth cooking lab, bumper cars, mechanical bull, karaoke and as much booze as you can possible want.

Then things like this happened. I didnt take any pics at all, guess I just had too much fun. I did however dance so hard I nose butted a colleague and got a nose bleed. I also thought i owned the world there for a while. And drank loads of vodka redbull. Also ended up in the office for 4 (!!) hours doing absolutely nothing but, you know, hanging.

Sunday looked and felt like this. What goes up must come down and that is never more true than when it comes to my partying.

Jacke and me went to the pub to watch some tennis but then I got ants in my pants and went for a walk instead  I did survive though. Good.

Pimmsing

If yesterday saw me mega happy dancing on air today see the down side of that – massively hung over. Love drinking pimms on a sunny thursday evening, fucking hate the morning after. Oliver reminded me this was this weeks second ‘i will never drink again’. Oh well, its a good thing im not Pinocchio.

I went out with these two lovely weirdos. I now remember why I decided to NOT start hanging with my colleagues when I started at Gamesys – its too easy to get out and drink on school nights and that never ends well.

We went to a pimms bar and drank about 5 in an hour. Good skills. Then on to a pub and then finally to a street party where miles brother and friends were. They are all gym bunnies. I scared the shit out of one of them by making fun of pizza (you had to be there) and he just looked at me with big eyes. But, somehow seemed to liked that so ended by asking for my number and a promise of drinkiing shots from my belly button (yeah, weird night). I kindly declined.

Today i dream of bed and pizza. No way I can do tonight and then summer party tomorrow. Im in the hands of those two above and Jacke all day tomorrow…