Tuesday. Fall is coming. Im wearing thick, black stockings and think about eating soup. J and me talk survival strategies on our way to work. The darkness coping mechanisms are important. My favourites are books, candles and tea.
Another is dreaming of better times so here are some pictures from the summer.
Jumping Jack in Spain. Julia hoped that I had gotten a belly button piercing. I havent. There are limits even to my immature ways.
Super happy when i finshed my toastmastery at the Tomlin wedding. I love this picture. Because I look so, so happy. Which is and isnt true. I loved the wedding and marry away my lovelies but it was also an emotional roller coaster with Oliver and me having two long, nightly talks with tears and sorrow as well as a lot of love. But what i love about it is that im ALIVE. Im feeling – both the ups and downs. Not just and endless tunnel of darkness.
This was the 5 month day of our break up and i fucking DID IT. I also went up there and spoke to that room full of people (for anyone that knows me that is really facing my fears).
In the middle of the desert at Burning Man these words greeted you. Never has anything been as true to me. I was, and am, exactly were i need to be. Im hopefully going somewhere even better but right now all of this have to be done.
So, the dust storms at BM was mental this year. But, it suited me. The fact that it was tough and hard and cold was exactly what i needed. Realising that there is so much fight in me and that i will leave my safe haven to experience.
There was a moment when i was riding the playa and there was a complete white out. I stopped, couldnt see anything, sure that someone was going to run into me. Suddenly Fabian came back out of the complete whiteness, took my hand and made sure I was ok and we made it to the bar.
BM teaches me that over and over again – that it will work out, that its always ok. Another funny one was that I woke up on the second to last day with my period, way earlier than it should be (cycle a bit messed up from stress/drinking/life) and I only had 2 tampoons with no way of getting new ones (desert remember). I was contemplating stuffing my panties with paper until i got to the porta pottie (this is a festival, they are normally pretty gross) and in there someone had left a little basket with tampoons. If that’s not a sign of ‘it will work out’ i dont know what is.
One of the art pieces on the playa. Two grown ups sitting with their back to each other and the kids inside them reacing out to each other. My do i feel like that sometimes. Especially with Oliver. This friendship business isnt easy, so many ways to misunderstand and hurt, but all i really want is to hold him and make him happy.
I know its not my place any longer and my responsibility is to me first. But, I do believe that if you let that inner kid lead the way it will work out in the end. Let go of the hurt and it will all work out remember.
Jules sent me this song today: Cycles. It will be my soundtrack for today.