Its a dogs life

So, Woolly stole my phone on Sunday and started texting Oliver in his desperation to get saved from drunken mummy.

Ungrateful dog…

And Oliver wasnt helping the cause. Feel that dog of mine took advantage of my weakened state.

At least he is playing the ‘i wont look at you to punish you’ game with Oliver as well.

That little dog needs some serious anger management. Just because you are angry with daddy doesnt mean you can ass him just like that. And threaten with no post ball licks.

Whatever Woolly…Ill never leave my phone close to you again.

My best summer memories

Summer is over but you know what, it doesnt matter because it was a pretty awesome one. When spring turned to summer i started to feel better. I got out of the sofa, put on pretty clothes and felt alive again. I stopped crying and started laughing. I did all of the things i loved doing and became closer to me.

It was a magical summer. When i last year asked myself why i was never happy, why I couldnt remember the last summer I was truly happy i knew something was wrong. This summer might not have been all good but i had some truly amazing moments.

Here are some of my best memories:

Dancing in Prague with my sister. The magic of being there and the absolute, all consuming happiness I felt about being there with her. Feeling the pieces of my heart finally falling back together. 
Sitting in the temple at BM writing a note while crying promising myself to be better to myself.

Meeting a cute boy on the last night in Spain. Drinking mojitos, dancing, kissing, not wanting to leave and sitting on the beach until sunrise barely able to speak to eachother but feeling something. Realising just after he jumped into the cab that my number had been washed away from his arm and him running out again catching me to get the number.

Sitting with Sanna on the balcony in Canos drinking corona, eating olives and talking about life.

Dancing all night at the country house after the crayfish party with one of my best friends and my ex.
Marrying off my beautiful friends and doing that fucking toastmastery thing.
Being out with my colleagues 3 days a week for a month when summer just started. Becoming me again. Getting too drunk and doing stupid shit but knowing that it will all be alright in the end. Loving them for knowing nothing about me and Oliver.

Having endless whatsapp conversations with my friends at all times a day whenever i needed them. 

Going to Secret Cinema Star Wars and lajving for hours dressed up as a commander soldier.

Sitting with Sanna, Peter and new friends in the sunrise at BM with a guy playing the guitar and then dancing for hours drinking champagne at the craziest place in the world. Thinking to myself that the next guy i meet ill bring to this place and realising that I can actually see myself meeting someone new.

Air guitar. Always a reason for happiness.

Darkest Hour, Longest Day

Friyay! For me that means chilling on the sofa with Woolly. Im pretty happy about that given that im hanging like a little baby monkey today. Or maybe more like a baby sloth, feel pretty slow.

Went to Toms friend Jons bday drinks yesterday. And it ended the way most of Toms and my hang outs does – with getting drunk on cider/jagerbombs/tequila. We stayed at the pub until everyone had left then went for some night food and then back to Toms for an ‘after party’ (entirely my fault, Tom just wanted to go to bed) with his flat mates.

They are such lads. 4 guys living together in their early 30’s. Which means a clean flat, healthy food, nice furniture but an absolute piss up on a thursday and the boys hiding one of the guys laundry all over the kitchen. I got treated to gin and coconut water (tasted like shit) and some love, and a whole lot of teasing, from the boys. Apparently Tom love me like he loves steak – a whole lot. Aaaaaw

Seeing him again for his bday Saturday. Also have another scrabble show down with Jason and a walk with Dan Sunday. Boys weekend.

Crayfishing – when it even manages to look good

Oh, I forgot, Oliver sent over some nice crayfish party pictures as well. Enjoy. Makes our little party look kind of glamorous even though all the orange stuff.

 W resting in the sun making sure no one (but him) try and steal the cheese pie

A true swedish sight. Red crayfishes against a blue sky.

So nice of Ol letting us borrow his studio space (even if I might be a bit hurt at the moment Ol is still awesomeballs). Pretty perfect.

Still looking out for that pie and not being fully convinced about all these people invading his sanctuary.

 Roxy is just always a little princess being in the thick of it.

There is something to say for dressing everyone in the same clothes (please, for my future kids, dont let me have twins).

 And laughing with your friends.

 Love this picture. So much happiness (and snaps).

 The cool 20 something being on that thing called social media. And Antony just being awesome.

Im not sure what im trying to convince Elias about but im pretty sure its something very deep and profound.

 ❤ love those two.

 Yes please. Im a bit gutted i forgot to eat these lovelies.

The best about this party is that it was so many new and old colleagues. And that it means there are so many awesome people in my life ive met over the last couple of years. High five me.

 Maarit and me having a moment.

 over turkish pepper shots

Jen! I do really have the best colleagues. She reminds me of Elin – the same kind of never ending resourcefulness, care about others and gorgeous legs.

This guy is pretty damn great. He doesnt know it most of the time. But i do. Thats why i keep him in my basement…

Kola before things went…well…maybe a bit too much whiskey. But before that he danced the frog dance with us and that makes him a hero in my book.

Hum dum di dum

You tired of my depressing slump yet? I am. Unfortunately all those ‘think happy thoughts and good will come’ guys haven’t been on a BM come down and know how damn hard it is to will yourself to anything.

At least im out tonight to see Tommy, since i have the dog all weekend this is what fun i will have so i better enjoy it and believe you me I will.

Me when i came home from work last night. So. Annoyed. At. Everything. You know when nothing goes right, you stub your toes, people walk into you at the tube…blah. blah…shit storm

In this state of mind i tried to bake (still dont bake even if its been twice within a week) and well, lets say, if i would have had anyone there to blame i would. Instead i screamed at myself/the oven/the bowls/the cake at every point i got. Hope my neighbours dont know swedish swear words… (and yes, I had my dinner leaning over the stove stirring tosca glaze)

Something cake like came out of it after all. I have fika at work tomorrow so its currently in the freezer waiting to see if people survive when eating. Knowing im out tonight and because im so damn responsible (i am, im simultaneously a complete kid as well as being so grown up in always doing what im supposed to) i made it early. Yes future PTA meetings, ill rock your socks (and poor future dad of my kids, im already apologizing for all the swearing and anger that will come while creating master pieces)

I also bought a couple of new rings yesterday. For the last years ive only worn my 2 rings – one from my dad and one from my mum but the one from mum gave me a rash so i took it off for a while. About the same time me and Ol broke up. Apparently everyone assumes it was an engagement ring. So i decided to replace my non engagement ring with a big ass me ring.

While at other stories (where the ring is from) I also bought a new blusher. Mostly because I like any make up to tell me go do things i love. Like seek happy nights and days (but nights first, important that).

Happy Thursday to all of you (and especially dad being home alone without mum, dont do anything i wouldnt do…)

What did you do before whatsapp?

Oh. My. Gawd its raining outside. Like heaven just went tits up and decided to DUMP on the world. I hear you heaven.

Today however is way better than yesterday. Not that the competition is killing but hey, count your blessings. And seriously, my friends and family is FREKKING AWESOME as in counting your blessings.

My dad called me this morning wanting to check in after my somewhat ehrm, unhappy blog posts. I love him so much for that. For how he starts by asking how i am and how he waits for me to tell because he dont want to pry but he is worried. So we talk and he gives me wise fatherly advice and I can literally feel how he just wants to tell me that im way too awesome for any of the boys that make me unhappy. And you know what, you should listen to your father.

And not only him. They are there, all over the world, sister, old friends, new friends, friends i barely know. All of them furiously defending me and telling me im the shit. Or just making me laugh. or saying hi and being sweet. In any way making me feel how much they care.

I mean seriously how awesome. This had me laughing right out. This is the best shitty, ‘dont get excited’ gift i haven’t yet been given ever. If nothing else for the first proper laugh of the day.

Jules – always there for the TEAM WORK needed to kick life’s ass. No one else understand the unpredictable nature of life the way she does. Also, what it means to go through a horrible break up when everyone else is coupling up.

And Sanna, who has spent the last couple of days explaining to me that it is to ok to be an angry bitch, sent me pepping angry songs, told me about her weird dreams and told me I win generally for being awesome. And then sends a little ‘how are you’ just to say ‘hi, still thinking of you’.

Also, everyone need cute guys to write late night messages that are sweet and make you feel a bit better about everything even if they are countries away (and well, call you a guiri – a tourist…. hm, i guess you shouldnt look that gifted horse in the mouth)

I mean really. Not even this miserable, gloomy, nordic girl can feel alone after that.

Thanks guys.

Dust coloured memories of absolute mayhem

Yesterday is gone. Forever. Wont miss you. Sanna wrote a message before me going to bed saying ‘soon this day is over and you are one step closer to when this dont feel so bad any longer’. Wise words.

To think of happier times, here are some more pics from that weird place called Burning Man.

Peter, Sanna and me discussing in the background and Scott enjoying Ambers lethal but amazing ice tea at the piano bar one night. Love how you becoming your own party wearing fairy lights. And that this was one of few nights you were warm enough wearing bikini top and jacket.

Eva, Dani and me at Robot Heart just before the sunrise. My not so glowing cat ears are on.

Love Matteos little wave. Never miss a camera pointed at your face.

Sunset over the desert outside Robot Heart. This morning Dani and me walked all the way out until you cant see any people any longer and just stood there feeling the warmth on our faces. One of the best times at BM.

Most of the boys in our camp. Crazy party monkeys. And truly loving their outfits.

The group shot from our day out in the pyramide art car. It was so cold this year you even had to wear a fur vest during the day.

Luca, Matteo and Dani hanging out in the bed the captain had put in his car to ‘give back to my first time out here when i had sex in an art car and loved it so much I decided to put a bed in for the first art car I built.’ True gifting.

The boys. They were on good form this day. Stealing the sound system and generally just raving about.

Most of our camp at one point. I was probably somewhere completely different, gets a bit intense after 7 days doing everything together.

Hello darkness my old friend

Sometimes life happens and its SHIT. With capitals. And you sit in the bathroom at work and cry again and wonder ‘how the fuck did i get here, i was doing well’. And you were, its just that life doesn’t really care and decides to throw you one anyway.

And you breathe, talk to your friends, cry some more in the bathroom and realise that the tears have left lines in the make up but to be honest, you don’t care because ‘life, you know what, you might kick me in the ass but you cant break me’ (you say with a flick off your hair and mascara smeared down your cheeks).

Even if it feels like you are breaking, just a little bit again, you know you’ll deal with is. Because you have to. So you put on sad music, listen to heavy rain in the background and scream to yourself ‘fuck you, i hate you with all my heart right now because you were supposed to be in my corner even if we broke up but you are not. You only look out for yourself and i’m all alone’.

You realise that yes, you are all alone and you HAVE. TO. STOP thinking that the person that you spent the last year breaking apart from still has your back. Because its not fair on any of you. Because that’s what a break up is – you break away from each other. Because you are not a team any longer and because he is creating a team with someone else.

So life, bring it on. Throw me that shit storm and i’ll cry and i’ll rage and i’ll text ALL my friends and i’ll probably wont sleep and i’ll most definitely get too drunk and smoke too many cigarettes but i’ll also have my own back.

(btw LOVE my friends – Sanna sent me a spotify list with all 7 songs with the title ‘kill that bitch’. Yes.)

Fade away

Tuesday. Fall is coming. Im wearing thick, black stockings and think about eating soup. J and me talk survival strategies on our way to work. The darkness coping mechanisms are important. My favourites are books, candles and tea.

Another is dreaming of better times so here are some pictures from the summer.

Jumping Jack in Spain. Julia hoped that I had gotten a belly button piercing. I havent. There are limits even to my immature ways.

Super happy when i finshed my toastmastery at the Tomlin wedding. I love this picture. Because I look so, so happy. Which is and isnt true. I loved the wedding and marry away my lovelies but it was also an emotional roller coaster with Oliver and me having two long, nightly talks with tears and sorrow as well as a lot of love. But what i love about it is that im ALIVE. Im feeling – both the ups and downs. Not just and endless tunnel of darkness.

This was the 5 month day of our break up and i fucking DID IT. I also went up there and spoke to that room full of people (for anyone that knows me that is really facing my fears).

In the middle of the desert at Burning Man these words greeted you. Never has anything been as true to me. I was, and am, exactly were i need to be. Im hopefully going somewhere even better but right now all of this have to be done.

So, the dust storms at BM was mental this year. But, it suited me. The fact that it was tough and hard and cold was exactly what i needed. Realising that there is so much fight in me and that i will leave my safe haven to experience.

There was a moment when i was riding the playa and there was a complete white out. I stopped, couldnt see anything, sure that someone was going to run into me. Suddenly Fabian came back out of the complete whiteness, took my hand and made sure I was ok and we made it to the bar.

BM teaches me that over and over again – that it will work out, that its always ok. Another funny one was that I woke up on the second to last day with my period, way earlier than it should be (cycle a bit messed up from stress/drinking/life) and I only had 2 tampoons with no way of getting new ones (desert remember). I was contemplating stuffing my panties with paper until i got to the porta pottie (this is a festival, they are normally pretty gross) and in there someone had left a little basket with tampoons. If that’s not a sign of  ‘it will work out’ i dont know what is.

One of the art pieces on the playa. Two grown ups sitting with their back to each other and the kids inside them reacing out to each other. My do i feel like that sometimes. Especially with Oliver. This friendship business isnt easy, so many ways to misunderstand and hurt, but all i really want is to hold him and make him happy.

I know its not my place any longer and my responsibility is to me first. But, I do believe that if you let that inner kid lead the way it will work out in the end. Let go of the hurt and it will all work out remember.

Jules sent me this song today: Cycles. It will be my soundtrack for today.

When I knew we were over

Im sitting in the kitchen door feeling like my heart is breaking. I need you to understand how important this is to me. I look at you but you don’t look back. You are cooking for us and your anger is simmering. That anger you almost never let out but after 4 years I can tell is there.

– Please come. I really need you to come. For me.

I can hear myself choking. I don’t know how to make you understand how important this is to me. How weeks, months, of us breaking apart and discussing over and over again the same things without answers is killing me. I don’t know how to ask you to do this, to give me hope, to make me feel that we are worth keep fighting for.

– Its already been decided. My family will come here. They need me.

You are stirring the food, furiously. I can see how me asking you is getting you all worked up. You want to make everyone happy and once again you have put yourself in an impossible situation. Everyone won’t be happy. Not this time. I need you to come to Sweden with me, to choose me since every day for the last couple of months you’ve been telling me you can never choose Sweden if I need you too. So this become my one hope that just once you will do this for me. Come to my country, to my family, to the place most important in the world to me. I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks how important this is.

But you don’t see. Maybe you don’t want to. You keep telling me you can’t. That it’s already been decided you are staying here. That your sister needs you. That you’ll come next year. Or when we have kids. You will come for the kids.

I start to cry. Crawl up in a ball on the floor and ask you please over and over again. What about me? Why can’t you do this for me and only me? You are hurting and get angry. Tell me that it’s unfair of me to ask that of you. I can see how it tears at you. How the last weeks have made you guarded. How you know you should do this for us but don’t know how. So you take the easy way.

So do I. I dry my tears, get up from the floor and scream at you that ‘you know what, I don’t care. Stay here with your fucking family. I don’t need you anyway’.

Then I go in to the bedroom, close the door and know that we are over.