I become very good at pretending, at excuses, at lying. And I’m so, so tired. All the time.

It’s a couple of days before my birthday and life is tricky. No matter how hard I try its too much. Weeks ago I cried on the sofa like my heart was breaking for no reason at all. Or, the reasons are there but I’m not able to put them into words yet. They are about depressions and life and about being sick. The things I will only be able to see when I come out on the other side of all of this.

Now I’m spiralling down. Shutting my eyes and pretending it’s normal to put your fingers in your throat and puke up your food because of stress. Stress and sadness and all the things that hurt so much I can’t cope.

It’s a couple of days before my 30th and I’m breaking into pieces trying to hold my world together. I’ve lost my sense of safety and I’m drifting. The people I have come to count on in this new country are fighting and I don’t know how to fix it. I tried. But it wasn’t mine to fix and now I don’t know how to fix anything, especially not myself.

I can’t talk about it. Think I have to deal on my own. I hide from my boyfriend, puke in the bathroom and come out with a plastered smile. ‘Don’t worry, the food just makes me a bit sick. It’s fine’. I lie to everyone. I become very good at pretending, at excuses, at lying. And I’m so, so tired. All the time.

Me, Elin and Bella go to the pub to have a beer to celebrate that it’s my birthday soon, that I’m turning the big 30, and I’m wearing clothes I feel pretty in even if I never feel pretty any longer. All of a sudden someone I know walks in and I’m surprised they are here. They give me a hug and say happy birthday and I don’t really compute. More and more people come and I sit there with tears in my eyes because they are here. My friends. The people that cares about me and mean the world to me. The ones that don’t get along are here in the same room, for me.

When you are small and the world is a tricky you wear your heart on your sleeve. You might think it’s all wrapped up and hidden away but everything feels and that night I don’t feel alone or adrift. I feel loved. I look around and I have friends that will do this for me.

It will take me another year to start talking, to get myself out of wherever I’m hiding and the people in that room are the ones helping me by showing me how. That I’m actually worth all of this. I don’t remember much from turning 30, mind way too dark, but I do remember that.

Dinner and more unicorns

Met Dani and Kirsten for dinner last night. Finally. I think this was the third try, down side of being three girls with a lot of plans trying to make dates happen.

But, three’s a charm and we met up at Flesh and Buns (delicious, its a sister restaurant to Bone Daddies) and had drinks, food and a much needed catch up.

Since last time Kirsten have gotten engaged (!), Dani have decided to move to San Fransisco with her new boyfriend (!!) and i turned 34 (I feel like im losing on this one). Its 2 months since we met, these girls move fast.

But, even if they might out do me on momentous life events I was the birthday girl so got some awesome gifts.

Kirsten gave me a make your own sock unicorn (if you’ve seen deadpool soft, cuddly unicorns might have been forever tainted)

Im impressed by her belief in my sewing skills. She clearly doesnt know me that well (im also thinking that those socks are amazing, might just keep them without making a unicorn from them. Crazy, i know)

She also gave Dani and me matching earrings. Now we can bling around in the desert like the glitzy bad ass bitches we are. Nothing like someone giving you flair.

After dinner came home and swagged around the flat in the ventian mask Dani gave me. Woolly seem less than impressed. He’s got no feeling for his mum’s style that little hound.

Or maybe it was a teaser for things to come because when i tried to leave the flat this morning W was limping around with one leg hanging feeling sorry for himself. No idea what happened but the little monster couldnt walk so Ol came over and we carried him up to his studio wheer he laid in his bed occassionally licking your face with a close to death look in his eyes.

Im seeing Ol for dinner tonight so might have to swing by the vet. Hope the little nose is ok.

The dreams of being stuck in a nerd sandwich

Went to the cinema to see Deadpool with George and his friends yesterday. Best super hero movie ever. Half of the fun was sitting next to George happy as a kid about all the inappropriate jokes laughing his ass off. I just wish Dan would have been there, then it would have been stereo in the Dan and George nerd sandwich.

His friends asked how we knew each other and I got hailed as a nerd with the Star Wars party story told. Boom. Never have my nerdiness been something to feel that ace about.

And on that note, here are some pictures from Saturday where I look like some kind of glow stick super hero bad ass.

Love everything about this picture. My glowstick bunny ears, my shot belt (all kinds of awesome) and PimpShuei. best place to have a party EVER. My older bro just decided that next year ill be a unicorn with a lighsaber horn. Why didnt i think of that before?

Love that i went ‘I need to dress in all black so that whatever blingy acessoars I put on match my outfit’. Doing dress up like a pro.

Tonight meeting Dani and Kirsten, unless someone cancels. Always a very likely chance with those two. Every night of this week is booked except sunday. Living the high life. Hard to fit in cute guy for dates but one do ones best.

Fuck yeah my life

So, managed to turn 34, yeah me. All those years feels today. Maybe next year ill be less of a drunken unicorn. Wouldnt count on it but sure, there is always a chance. 

My saturday started with me getting flowers from my parents. Love flowers and love my parents so a pretty banging combo. And its something about getting a flower delivery that is all kinds of magical.

Met oliver with Woolly and he gave me a bday gift – really beautiful coasters. Not surprising M had a hand in chosing these, her taste is impeccable.

Spent most of the day walking around being generally nervous about the evening and trying on my glowsticks. Im such a fail – was convinced no one was going to show up so had to text like everyone being all ‘are you really coming’.

Then i spent an hour being done just sitting on my bed wishing for a drink but being too jittery to manager to actually go buy one.

Eventually Katta came down and we headed up to the bar.

And of course I had the best night ever. Because my friends are ALL KINDS of amazing. Like really. Big up to all of you. Elin and Tom came with a shot belt that made me serve everyone luke warm boob shots and I got unicorns, booze, flowers, dates and dreams.

Like really. Every time after a night like this i feel like i dont deserve you because you are the best. When the clock struck midnight and Chuck made me go back in the bar and you all sang to me and I had jäger poured all over my face (yes) I had one of those ‘fuck yeah my life’ moments.

George told me the day after that my friends are really amazing and they all care about me and I was like ‘i know right’ and smiled despite THE WORST HUNG OVER ever.

He was pretty bad ass too though and had put all of these valentines posters we laughed about earlier up on the walls as well as giving me a heart shaped chesse because ‘cheesiest gift ever’ (I have a suspision aussies are secretly all from Göteborg).

We ended up having an after party at mine and went to bed at 5.30, Was high as a kite on all that red bull. Yes to jägerbombs but no to heart flimmer.

So, my actually birthday was spent on the sofa like this. So happy i hadnt made any plans, even this never stop dancing dreamer needs a break once in a while.

And had my favourite hairy man next to me so cant complain about anything at all.

Wishing you a bad ass unicorn friday

Friday! What awesome things do you hold in store for me? Well, plan is to take it pretty easy since birthday shenanigans happen tomorrow. Katta is coming over and im thinking ice cream on the sofa and A LOT of gossip.

Talking of gossip, met with Unibet crew at Jo’s place. A lot has happened since i met those crazy people 6 (!!) years ago and they always have some good gossip to tell of former colleagues. Because Jo’s got a baby we left and went for the classic one drink. Being past 30 for most of us it actually ended up being one drink (and a cheeky shot) before schlepping our asses home.

I had a little mini third life crisis on the tube home and put my tired, old, head on Toms shoulders contemplating that the ONLY thing im actually good at in life is drinking. He made me feel happier by saying he is the same. At least ive found people to make me feel not worse about myself. 

Anyway, giving you an old bday pic for good measure. That time we all went bad ass unicorn on life. I think this is turning 31 in style, Im going to try and make 34 as genius.

Ol sent this pic over of our little mini hound. Such a little bad ass owning scrubs.

Ok people, go out there and make friday your bitch.

Pre birthday excitment

Every day my colleague Dimitra asks me how many days left to my party. And today the answer is – 2 more days until boojah fucking awesome.

I am of course all kinds of nervous that a) no one will show up b) if people show up they will have a horrible time c) I will get really drunk and pass out at 10 (plausible) d) i will get very drunk and do lots of stupid shit (very plausible)

But all of that aside im very excited to get all my bestest in one room and party it up with them. I have my glowsticks bought, my spearklers ready and my camera charged. Ready to rock and tumble.

Being Britney for the 90’s bday when i turned 29. Feels like ages ago. I did have a hot shots bathroom though, every girls dream.

George came over last night to watch a movie and eat popcorn. Both of us are more or less down and out with the cold so he kept falling aleep all the time and I couldnt sleep because cough. Wanted to kill myself a couple of times. He promised to show up early on Saturday so i wont be all alone if no one shows up. High five to that. I trust him to get me sufficiently drunk if that is what needs happening – thats the good thing with people who used to bartendet, they know what you need.

Pancake day

Birthday is coming closer. 3 more days and ill be rocking my little socks off. My colleague has given me a new nicke name – Big Mac. Mac is for Middle Aged Cecilia. Boom, will wear that nickname with pride.

Got my new instax camera delivered yesterday and took a picture of Woolly looking like ‘wtf mum, thought that when Ol moved out there would be no more late night photo sessions featuring moi’. You were wrong lil’ buddy.

Then Jake the snake and Michelle came home proclaiming that they are making pancakes. Woop woop, big up for pancake day. Thought id miss out on that this year when my life is lacking the holmses but count on the universe to provide.

They were very matchy. I was of course also wearing stripes. Stripey tuesday (but i do prefer a tutu tuesday).

Yum, look at this bad boy. Jacke is shaping up as a chef. I had two and then contently stroking my belly on the bed. A day well spent.

Tonight seeing George. Too bad i have the nose plague. Not sure how i will wing that one. ‘Hey, you want some sexy time? No?! Weird that, i thought these blisters of mine was a positive aphrodisiac’.

He is in for a treat.

But I’m an animal, I can’t think

You kill me when you look at me like that. You literally tear me apart. I feel my insides start going. My heart racing. My blood rushing. Even before you say it I know what is coming.

‘I’ve met someone. We’ve only been on a couple of dates but I want to keep seeing her’

I go completely numb. Survival instinct. I’m like an animal reacting to mortal damage. Show no emotions. Say nothing. Don’t let him know how he has torn your heart open.

‘Oh’ I hear myself saying. ‘Ok, I’m glad for you’

I see you breaking down. Start crying. Doing what I can’t do. It puts me further into numbness. I need to protect you. Keep you happy.

‘I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t want to hurt you’ you sob.

Stuck in survival mode I lift my arm to hug you. I tell you it will be ok. I say that we will always be friends.

A part of me is wondering why I’m doing this. Why I’m the one comforting you when you’ve just hurt me worse than I can remember ever being hurt. Why I’m hugging the one who has just taken us and reduced it into something you shrug your shoulders at and walk away from after 2 months.

But I’m an animal. I can’t think. I do what my survival instinct tell me to do. Show no weakness. With these words you’ve gone from someone who will care for me to someone who will hurt me and I will never again be able to truly tear the walls down on my weakness for you again.

When I leave you I bleed. For us. For being hurt. But mostly for losing one of so precious few I can allow to see me small.

I can forgive you for meeting someone. For telling me. But backing me into survival mode protecting myself by shutting down and seem happy for you.

 I will never forgive you for that.

A weekend in bed

Spent most of the weekend in bed. Had a nasty cold that wouldnt go. Kept sending little audition videos to Kix hoping to be let over to them but apparently sounding like old shoes and too likely to get Alex sick so had to stay home.

On Saturday took W out and then met Laxen quickly for an hour since he was in town. Havent seen him for years, he is such a grown up (I guess turning 34 in a week makes me kind of a grown up too) and then went up East way to meet with George. We ate some lunch, had a couple of ciders and took up the nerd talk where we left it. Best choice ever to go to that Star Wars party that brought the best nerd people into my life.

Sunday met Katta for a walk and then straight back to the sofa. This cold is a annoying bugger and i still feel pretty shit today, espcially since i tweaked my back. Guess thats what turning 34 means. Need to take it easy this week to be ready for my party on Saturday. Because BOOM on that one.

Woolly wondering WTF we are doing in bed all day.  Dont give me that look, you love it little lazy monster.

This is my life

Ok, I’m living at the moment. Really living. Crazy, sweet, beautiful, messy living. The kind that have you waking up tired, red eyes, looking your years but also the kind that make you feel so, so alive.

Some things have fallen into place. Last year’s hard decisions, heart break, forced growing and pain have led me here. To where I’m the closest I have ever been to daring life the way I want it. I have always been holding back, lived through a lot of guilt. Guilt of the things that makes me happy.

Waking up after a fun night out was always followed by that horrible feeling that I should be ashamed of myself. For no reason at all. I would take all that fun, all that life, and feel bad about it. I would take weird decisions based on that guilt. Be conflicted. Find it hard to accept sides of myself that I loved but felt I shouldn’t.

It permeated everything. My relationship where it was hard for me to live with Oliver’s perceived ‘goodness’ to my ‘badness’. All the guilt I had toward him and myself made me go crazy. It made me push him away. I have pushed a lot of people away because of this. Because how can you be loved if you don’t think you are worth it?

But I’m getting there. One thing which is clear through this crazy, swirling, wonderful life I’ve been living for the last couple of months is the lack of guilt and shame. I wake up smiling at myself after a night out, saying quietly to myself ‘darling, what amazing stories you are creating’. I date boys and don’t feel bad about it because why, I’m not hurting anyone. If they ask for something I can’t give I will tell them. I’m proud of me and being loved for it.

I take this bruised and broken and glued back together heart of mine and let all of that out there without the guilt. What a fucking feeling. It’s all of the magic of the dance floor on a hung over Sunday morning. Its lying in bed before you fall asleep smiling at the memories with a head light as air. Its meeting someone who wants to give you something and taking it and giving everything you have back.

It’s easy. So easy. It’s being a happy unicorn not only in parts of your life. Its believing, no knowing, that things will work out exactly as they were meant to.

It’s me 🙂