The break week

This is my break week. A break from everything. Taking it easy. Resting my soul. Go to Richmond. The craziest thing that will happen this week is choosing place to go for dinner with G on Saturday. I was toying with the idea of taking him to the Ethiopian. Until i remembered how bad my stomach went after the dish cloth pancake. We definitely havent dated long enough for that…

Tonight Katta is cooking W and me dinner. He is hoping for chicken, me, that its warm enough to sit on the balcony.

Made myself chicken yesterday though. Know its bad form posting pictures of your food but look at all the healthy (and lets ignore the fact that i had 1 delicato ball, 20 caramels and half a bag of crisps while the camera wasnt around. Beach 2016 here i bounce)

After dinner my phone pinged and this happened. Ol in the snap chat drag queen filter. Suits him. Gave me and W a good laugh (read roll around on the floor).

After all those lols went to watch some Limitless (new, awesome tv-series) stressing a bit that I only had a couple of episodes lef. But, G had updated the folder with all the new episodes. Hands up for that man. Surprise tv shows is an absolute win. Surprise anything. Love it. 

This morning walked in to work in the sun talking swedish with Ol. He needs a bit of work but what better than when walking in with the little mini houndling.

Damn, love break week.

You laugh. I think you find a way to laugh at everything.

We walk through the rain, its pouring down and im in high heels and a fancy dress. You ask me if I want your coat to cover my hair.

‘If I’m going to get wet, I might as well get properly wet’ you say and I shake my head at you. My hair will be fine, its only rain.

You take my hand and pull me into an off licence.

‘We are going to want coke tomorrow’ you say when I ask why and it makes me smile. Because it’s true and you are sweet to think about it. And handsome in your suit.

We get a coke for you and a diet coke for me and you talk to the guy who owns the store and he asks you about the other night and you launch into some story and I sway a bit next to you because I’m really tired. You see how tired I am and orders us an uber even if we are only a couple of blocks away.

In the cab you take my hand and when we are at yours we run together through the rain. You laugh. I think you find a way to laugh at everything.

In your flat its chaos as usual. Your 19 year old flat mate has a mouse in his room so him and his girlfriend sleeps on your sofa. I change into your big t-shirt, shivering from the wet and the cold, and hide under your duvet. I laugh to myself at us sharing a room with a teenage couple and, not for the first time, wonders at the crazy it is hanging out with you.

I wake up so many times during the night, most of them panicking with that urge to flee. I know it well. It always hits when I meet someone. And it hasn’t gotten easier after the latest heart ache. How can I be with anyone? And how can I be with someone as crazy as you? I lay there in the middle of the night with you sleeping beside me and wish to be somewhere else. Somewhere safe. Alone.

At one point I wake up at the others laughing at us because we sleep on our backs next to each other’s. Like vampires. But all the other times I’m in your arms and you are squeezing me so tight. Except for when you get to be little spoon. You mumble in your sleep. ‘You are amazing, you know that right?’ and I hold you because I know you like being little spoon sometimes.

In the morning I’m tired after my restless night. I don’t know what to think about us. I like you but you also scare me with your intensity. But mostly im just scared of liking someone. My stomach grumbles and I realise I’m starving. You kiss me, get out of bed, tell me to stay put and 30 min later you show up with breakfast. And a jar of pickled cucumber because you know I love it.

And we stay in bed all day. Watching movies and talking. And the urge to run the other way from you recedes further and further away. When I leave you I only feel the need to see you as soon as possible again.

Happy Easter and all that jazz

Oh, the Easter weekend. The stories my friends, the stories…

I had taken myself a bit ‘vatten över huvudet’ on thursday buy making plans with my colleagues, Jason, Filippa’s friend Jeff, George, other George and Jean. Too much of a good thing. 

Started out with work drinks where Jeff joined us and him, me and Rocky drank tequila shots. Just to set the night. Then Jason joined us pretty smashed from his work drinks. Around 9 I realised i was on the clock to see all of these people and we headed up to Found where G was working for a drink and a shot. Apparently we were drinking a ‘curious George’. And then some weird chillie shots. Again, dont befriend your bartender.

After that Jason and me headed to Bar@1 where Dave met us. The music was shit for a hip hop hater like me so I ended up sneaking away in the night to meet Jean (bad Cissi but ill excuse myself with pretty drunk at this point)

We went to Found to pick up G after he finished work and then to some music industry bar in Shoreditch. And because 3 crazy people kept going until 6.30 in the morning. Then i put a stop to the discussion of another after party. Yeah, you heard me. I stopped it!

Woke up at G’s after like 3 hours of sleep realising I was late for picking up the dog and katta and then going to a FICCO brunch. So late. So i wizzed down on the tube, picked up the dogs and people needing pick up and then headed home, got some booze and went for a brunch filled with babies and dogs.

Owning it (thank god for filters).

W was trying to hide from Lola and after a couple of hours he was so done (you and me both W) so headed home for some dinner and late night talks with Katta.

On Saturday put my dog on the tube again, picked up Katta and headed up East for brunch at the Tomlins. Filled with egg painting, amazing food and drinks.

We created art (truly)

and tried to blow those eggs. Its damn hard i tell you. Lets just say its not my best skill.

Im better at bringing glow sticks and take pictures while drinking and laughing.

After food we painted some more eggs

made W into a little raver dog

and played some games before I crashed around 2 and we took a cab back down.

Good call since on Sunday it was Jacke’s boxing game. Too add insult to injury it was black tie so had to dress up in the little black dress while wearing heels. Sad face. It was my colleagues and me bringing Katta and G.

After hours and hours of people swiging at each other and a bar with the longest queue ever it was finally time for J to do his match.

He did well. But lost. My colleagues were very drunk by this point so Katta and me headed with G to his friends place where we got cooked a roast. The food was amazing but served around midnight so after dinner we totally crashed watching a movie.

That meant home straight after which NEVER happens. On our way home G got a call from his 19 year old portuguese flat mate who told us he is sleeping on the sofa in Gs room because he had a mouse in his. Him and his girlfriend both.

So the night was spent sharing a room with a very young portuguese couple. And it once again hit home that I have met someone who trumps me on the crazy. Every time. Monday was spent in bed doing absolutely nothing but watching movies. I got breakfast in bed so didnt even have to leave for that. Left G at 8 in the evening after a perfect day of laziness. Contemplated feeling bad about it for a second but nah, too awesome.

Going back to the burn

Last night was BM ticket sale night. It was also Jasons comedy show and drinks with Jean but BM won. Becasue sunrise in the desert wins every time.

So i headed home from work, picked up the little dog, made myself some left over dinner on taco mince and brie (flash) and sat down on the sofa awaiting a night of agony.

And agony it was. That little green man is the bane of my existence. When Jean told me he got his tickets after 20 min and mine still havent moved more than a 5th i knew i was screwed. Royally so.

But hope is the last thing that abandons a true burner so Sanna, Peter and me kept sending updated hoping to get our tickets. To no luck.

Eventually we had to admit defeat and my night felt very bleak. Like lets get drunk on my own and fall asleep in my own vomit bleak (that has never been done btw, just a VERY strong urge)

Until my hero Jean stepped in and told me I could have his extra ticket. OMG! Love him. This is all kinds of awesome. Hands up for tinder dates that turns into friends that turns into your BM saviour. Ill never complain on those apps again.

To celebrate here is a picture of me that Jean took from the warehouse party at Bens a couple of weeks ago. Looking clever as always.

Tonights drinks with Jason, Jeff, George W and potentially Jean. And saying hi to G. Me and my boys. Not sure where all the girls are at but the boys are the only ones who still wants to play with me. Bring on Easter.

Easter spring time

Had George over for dinner last night. Treated him to the most swedish of dinners – tacos. And a delicato ball for dessert. It went down a storm. He scared me half to death though when he showed up because he jumped the fucking fence again and came through my back yard. Finally i know what W will do if someone tries to break into the house – absolutely nothing, other than run up and say hi.

Easter coming up and im fully booked with amazing things. Tomorrow seeing Jason for a drink and long awaited catch up, on Friday Easter brunch with FICCO crew (got some snaps and sill for that. No swedish holiday without snaps and sill.) and on Saturday brunch with the East crew (some snaps for that one too). Sunday is Jackes boxing game, all black tie dressed up, and Monday potentially the new superman movie if Im still standing. Highly doubt that but I have surprised myself before.

Love spring in London. Love day drinking and pimms in the sun and love that all my friends come out to play. Last year i kind of missed spring due to heart ache so this year ill own it big time.

Its a year ago today…

We lay in our bed with Woolly between us. I’m hung over and you are tired. I’ve been awake for a while staring into the wall and I can’t do this any longer. I just can’t.

‘It needs to change. Us. This. You know we can’t do this.’

I can’t look at you when I talk to you and I feel your body next to me but at the same time so far away. It’s like that invisible wall between us.

‘I know’ you say and in those words is everything that we have said and not said over the last couple of months. All the heart break, nights awake and fights that never really happened. The slowly breaking apart.

We talk a bit more but say nothing that we haven’t said before. We get up, get dressed, get through the motions. When its hitting home this is happening we start talking about the practicalities. Who should stay in the flat, who should go. You have family and friends here so we decide that you are the one leaving.

We both cry but are more dead inside than anything else. We say something about this only being for now, a couple of days, a break, but we both know this is it, this is real. We’ve tried all we can, we have both given us our all and there is nothing left to fight with.

I sit on the sofa when you have left and the tears come. The wrecking, heart breaking sobs that only happens when I’m truly hurting. Woolly sit next to me looking confused and then he lays down, as close as he can get, and tries to comfort me with his little body. I feel endlessly lonely and lost. Like nothing will be ok again, like the world is irrevocably broken.

At one point I write a note in my phone that says ‘It hurts so so much but remember that you will be fine. Time heals. In a year this will be a painful memory but you will have moved past it. You will smile again. You will be happy.’

After parties and baby mama’s

Took barely any pictures this weekend. Even if I looked pretty ace on Friday’s Secret Cinema. Suit, trenchcoat, glasses and red lips. Just saying.

It was so much fun like always. Me and George got seperated and i was on some mad dash to find out if the president was shagging his secretary and then i got recruited to kill Fidel Castro. As you do. After the movie we stayed for a couple of drinks with G’s new friends before going to Nola and then back to his for an after party. I made my goal of going to bed before 7 and was the first one to give up at 5.30.

Saturday woke up and me and G’s girlfriend over from Berlin went to the market and fixed our hang overs right up with diet coke (best) and bagels before coming back to home made breakfast. Given that i missed dinner on Friday and hadent eaten for 24 hours i didnt say no to double brekkie.

In the evening I had the baby mams’s Kix and Laura over as well as Katta. Look at this picture. Really!? Ziggy has only been out of the picture for like 2 weeks and W is already cuddling up to Kix. This would NEVER have happened when she was still smelling of Zig.

We drank bubbles and updated on our lives. Laura and Seb are moving to Sweden in like a month. Had NO idea. Had to take a breather. Will miss them. Felt a bit like things were breaking apart. Im doing ridiciously late after parties with bartenders and my London family are moving away. Sad face.

On Sunday took my little dogling and headed up notting hill way for Katta’s bday brunch. Woolly was on best behaviour and celebrated that with taking a selfie. After lunch me, Katta and albin walked down in the sun and had a second moment of sadness over losing more friends to Sthlm.

Damn you Sthlm.

Paella dinner

Felt seriously iffy yesterday afternoon so went home early from work for a snooze. When i woke up felt better and remembered i had a dinner with Lollo’s friends. Because it was very sweet of them inviting and I was REALLY hungry i decided to go despite leaving work early (felt a bit like a naughty kid).

Good call. Lily had made this amazing paella. You can tell she is a chef. The food was extremely yummy and they were talking about their country weekend I missed and all the food she had cooked. Definitely going next time.

Modern times. Before anything the obligatory instagram picture needs to happen.

But then this… Few things better than getting a ‘do you want to join for dinner’ request. The answer is pretty much always yes.

After dinner enjoyed the £1000 worth of chocolate one of the girls had got from her admirer, Thats pretty impressive. I would be lucky to get a tesco bar. Down side of dating penniless artists.

Filippa sent through some pictures of me showing Ingo the ropes. That girl is set with me as her auntie.

Like knowing about the joys of very long, dark hair. Too bad she got two blondie parents. Tough luck Ingo.

Forehead sheninigans

Failed on the sofa plan. With Albin leaving town soon I wanted to see him before so we went for a Havelock dinner and what was supposed to be a long walk but ended up being a 10 min stroll around the green. Oh well, I got a steak and good convo. And W got to hang with his buddy Albin.

Then this photo popped up in my inbox. Dave sent it through from when we went to Jasons comedy show. Never has a girl looked that classy wearing a gigantic, inflatable penis.

Still feeling rough though – the bounce back of a 34 year old is seriously questionable. People keep saying I look pretty fresh despite but im sure there is a Dorian Gray portrait somewhere. Or maybe not, my inherited forehead is not so much lines these days as groves deep enough to sow seeds in.

But, suns out guns out, its St Patricks Day and tonight im eating paella. Life could be about a 100 times worse.

The irish rover

On the sofa where life happens

In my quest to recover what little energy lurking in my body I went straight home from work yesterday picking up the hell hound on the way. You might think that meant chillaxing doing nothing but with two bridesmaids duties coming up im keeping busy. At the moment looking through Asos for bridesmaid dress.

W was NOT happy with me for some reason and huffing threw all of the pillows between us sitting down on the other side of his sofa fort staring angrily at me. When he realised nothing was coming from that little sulk he crept over all the pillows and put his head in my lap. And there we sat watching Vampire Diaries and living it up on whats app.

It’ll probably be a copy paste on that tonight. This could be a new me if I didnt have every night next week booked. Hands up for Easter!!

Spoke to both Albin and Dave last night and the first is leaving London on tuesday and Dave is off at the beginning of May. Not sure what it means when the guys you’ve ‘dated’ (big word) both feels the need to flee the country…kidding, i know it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Im friends with both and they are awesome guys.

Dave just got himself the biggest tattoo which upped his bad boy factor with like 150%. Which, in his own words, was ‘already as high as it could be’ (without giving too much away is sooo true. He is an absolute sweetheart but he probably ticks every movie bad boy box out there.)

I’ll miss them both. They made the whole ‘breaking my arm, sitting on the sofa, start dating’ thing the best possible. If you are to put yourself out there again do it with the sweetest boys that will show up on your bday 4 months later giving you amazing, thoughtful gifts and when you end it decide that they still want to keep you.

God, I ace this whole befriending thing. I just need to nail the actual dating thing. Needs a bit more work.