Its a year ago today…

We lay in our bed with Woolly between us. I’m hung over and you are tired. I’ve been awake for a while staring into the wall and I can’t do this any longer. I just can’t.

‘It needs to change. Us. This. You know we can’t do this.’

I can’t look at you when I talk to you and I feel your body next to me but at the same time so far away. It’s like that invisible wall between us.

‘I know’ you say and in those words is everything that we have said and not said over the last couple of months. All the heart break, nights awake and fights that never really happened. The slowly breaking apart.

We talk a bit more but say nothing that we haven’t said before. We get up, get dressed, get through the motions. When its hitting home this is happening we start talking about the practicalities. Who should stay in the flat, who should go. You have family and friends here so we decide that you are the one leaving.

We both cry but are more dead inside than anything else. We say something about this only being for now, a couple of days, a break, but we both know this is it, this is real. We’ve tried all we can, we have both given us our all and there is nothing left to fight with.

I sit on the sofa when you have left and the tears come. The wrecking, heart breaking sobs that only happens when I’m truly hurting. Woolly sit next to me looking confused and then he lays down, as close as he can get, and tries to comfort me with his little body. I feel endlessly lonely and lost. Like nothing will be ok again, like the world is irrevocably broken.

At one point I write a note in my phone that says ‘It hurts so so much but remember that you will be fine. Time heals. In a year this will be a painful memory but you will have moved past it. You will smile again. You will be happy.’

1 thought on “Its a year ago today…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s