Words about stuff

Its warming up again so i went to HM and bought 2 bikinis on their sale. 38 days to Bulgaria and i realised all my bikinis are at least 4 years old. And me about 7kg more (yeah, they were mostly bought during my depressed period. I was skinnier then. In a not so healthy way.) Or for Burning Man. And that stuff does not work with Georges family….

Having a fairly busy week at work which is nice. Waiting to get my new dose of prozac. No wonder brain is roller coastering me when im out of medication. Sometimes i wish i didnt need it but then i realise i wouldnt be thinking like that if it was a physical issue i needed help with. My brain is just too interesting a place 🙂

At least its not 7 years ago when i burnt off half my leg. Sorry for the pic but im so happy it healed as well as it did (all the red skin eventually peeled off).

Last night. W was being pissy with us all night, maybe due to bringing another dog home on Sunday, so we made him sit with us and tada, all love again. I wonder how we will react when we bring a baby home.

Almost August

Feeling pretty fresh this monday. Good thing of having a slow weekend. The less good thing was the little breakdown i had with George yesterday. A mix of feeling a bit lonely sitting by myself over the weekend, not having an emotional outlet through a fun night out (cutting down on the drinking) and of course the feeling of not knowing when things will be ok. I hurt over everything and i dont know how to cope with the hurt so i shut down. And that makes me feel lonely which is easy to blame on people around me.

Im just a bit all over the place. I try and be all good and happy but, lets face it, im pretty gloomy and sometimes see the bad in everything. As Sanna used to say ‘du malar faan pa vaggen’ (you expect the worst) and well, yeah. I do. This is like a test of my positive thinking and sometimes (well, pretty often) i fail. Big time.

So sorry to everyone who gets on the ass end of this.

However, new week and im going to Benjies wedding on Saturday. Cant wait.

On Saturday it was gloriously, beautifully cool outside and i almost froze a bit. Heaven.

W was loving it too running around for the first time in weeks.

Looks like autumn outside though.

One of those mornings. We hung out together before George was off to work again.

and W and me stayed at home. He had some interesting dreams. Sound like he is chasing a whole squad of squirrels. Me, i watched 13 reasons why.

Sunday morning brekkie. Still loving my sandwich grill. Yes, that will be dinner tonight. #carbsforever

Love with my mini man (or ‘second hand breakfast for Woolly’)

Mikey stayed over night bringin lil Charlie. Love his two coloured eyes.

Collect ALL the doggos. And yes, i really want another one but dont worry, wont go down that route.

This hero is enough for me.

Then we spent the day watching Ru Pauls dragrace and eating everything we could lay our hands on. Sunday realness.

Im a survivor

Its finally a bit cooler, Ws stomach is better and i have booked my first appointment with the fertility clinic (10th of August). See me rocking this saturday. Having brekkie and then heading out to Ravenscourt for a park walk. Today is 100% a good day.

Love them good days. Collect them and remember them. I mean, im still on the good side of my general mood. Summer, awesome man and mini hound makes it hard to not be.

It was sweltering on Thursday and Friday. Ols studio is too warm for W then so i tried to bring him into work but that didnt work either since his stomach was so upset.

So, we had to work from home. Oh no. I mean, the pool and the garden just makes that too much to bear.

The plan was for George and me to picnic on Thursday but it was too hot.

Too hot to be outside people. So we decided on a home picnic and went to Tesco to buy ALL the goodies.

And we did. Got to love it when the table is too small for all your food.

However, it was still too hot so we headed inside. Yes, i got beaten by the heat.

New try yesterday. Armed with watermelon and a bikini.

Lived in the pool all day and even dipped Ws little hairy bum in. He hated it.

One of the survivors coming along. After the mega death some strugglers have managed to beat all odds and keep growing. Maybe its because i keep singing ‘I will survive’ to them. I feel you tomatoes, we will beat this heat together.

And finally, the rain. One of those crazy thunderstorms and the temperature dropped. Dream.

I headed up to Found for a friday drink, met some people, kissed my man and then headed home when it started to get too drunken. Me and W are teaming up this weekend, dont have time for hangovers.

Eeeeh?! So good. Means that i kind of got away with everything. Well, George did laugh when the person told him that and showed pics of me covered in glitter but still. If i can channel wholesome after my yearsas party queen i can do everything.

Like make a sandwich with my own homegrown tomatoes. Boojah! Was a bit trigger happy on this one and it was a tad unripe but hey, still taste of power.

W and me are staying home tonight while G is working and then him and mikey are coming down since Mikey is apending the day here on Sun. And he is bringing a doggo. Doggo party in my flat!!

Poomageddon

Got a taste of being an exhausted mummy last night. We are switching W to new food and that is always a messy experience. His stomach was acting up and he was keeping us (mostly me) up all night. At 5 i had to take him out after him being out in the garden all night and then he needed to be let out 3 more times. Then he puked all over the garden door.

Poor guy. And keep counting my blessings for it being so quiet in the office. I brought W in this morning to chill in the AC. I had to carry him all the way to the office since he refused to go out in the heat. I know he is suffering and im a bit worried about dehydration with the puking.

Last night it was Harrys bday drinks at Home. Mikey has taken over working Home until they move down to Margate so he treated us to drinks all nights. I had one. And still no cigarettes (yeah, yeah, i know its only been 3 days but celebrate your victories.)

Harry having a shot of jager. Because bday.

And an excellent photo (thank god im not actually running a real blog so that i have to care about photo quality and stuff) of him getting bday cake and a card.

Happy happy Harry times.

Another brilliant photo of Jean joining. Hes just started working for facebook and did a serious job of trying to recruit me. We’ll see.

But, all is not good and well in the world. Stus visa just got rejected. We’ve been trying through Deezer but UK has given out to many visas in the last 6 months so its really hard to get one now.

Saddest thing is that he has to leave Emma and their newly signed apartement behind at lates the 10th of August. He is literally being deported.

No happy faces about that. Ill miss him both as a friend and as a colleague. And damn you Brexit and UK government.

Me at 5 this morning. Not happy!! At least it was like 22 degrees out and light. Count your blessings.

Look at the ring of fire of poo. He is walking around in a circle around me as far as the lead allows. Pooing. Yeah, yeah, i know. Not a sexy picture but welcome to my world. The opposite of fancy influencer photos.

36 degrees here today. Not worthy. We are going to lay in the pool all evening.

My mind is quiet today. So quiet that i kind of wonder if anyone is home. Think the heat is making me a bit stupid. But at least im not freaking out. As ive always say, I would rather be a bit stupid and happy than smart and miserable. Stupid and happy seems so…easy. (Hows that for a life motto? Better not aim for president or something.)

Going for Harrys bday drinks tonight. Dont worry mum, all alcohol free. This body is a temple now (ish, i mean, a girl need her sugar and cakes and shit). I have a call back with the GP tomorrow to see what happened with my fertility clinic referral and then onwards and upwards. Im also going to set up and appointment with an accupuncture guy that George recommended.

Yeah, im a ‘need to do shit about it’ kind of girl. So, im doing what i can and enjoy (debatable) this endless summer in the meantime.

This guy is enjoying the shit out of our sofa. Being hot in his fur pyjama in this weather he sleeps more than normally. I was watching 13 reasons why. My am i glad to not be a teenager. Thats what i kept thinking. No matter what goes in my life im SO happy to not be going through that shit again.

Teenagers can be mean man.

Its a hat kind of day. Hiding away in the office where its AC and reading on my kindle (yes, its still dead here and will be for another month. Hello easy read books).

And wearing a very nice dress if i get to say so myself. Perfect for the warm weather. Have a good chunk of meetings today so will keep myself entertained before im out of here.

Tan, dress and hat. Im ready for this day!

All the bdays

I had a really nice talk with my mum the other day. On everything that goes in my head. Its easy to feel a bit lonely when you are in a country far away from family, especially when it comes to things like this that is harder to speak about to people you dont know that well. Sometimes you need your parents. Even when you are 36.

I also managed to actually grow two tomatoes. Before i killed them. Or, they were almost done and survived the killing.

They tasted like sweet tomato honey.

Yesterday i worked from home. Or ‘worked’. I got like 3 emails and there was absolutely nothing to do. So i changed water on the pool, weeded in the garden and did some other bits and bobs.

In the evening it was Amelias bday. Like mother like son when it comes to pork scratchings.

We went to Pig and Butcher in Islington. Delicious. I had hake and about 3 pints of diet coke.

George needed his hair out of his face and ended up a flower queen.

The crew. These are your Found regulars. I feel honoured to have been adopted in to this awesome group of human beings.

And the rest. Even the London crew is starting to be baby heavy. Love it. Little Alistair is such a cutie.

Perfect Monday night but not unhappy about home time today. Tomorrow its Harrys bday drinks, Thursday we are doing a picnic and Friday is Stephens bday. Seriously, whats up with all the bdays!! My non smoking, less drinking will be put to the test. But im a stubborn one when i want to.

Glitter it up in London

Finally got my period (sorry for over sharing but my 20 days of PMS in 30 degrees in London is over. Hallelujah. Feel like a new woman)

Its supposed to be 35 degrees tomorrow. I cant remember ever being this long in this kind of heat. My brain feels slow. I feel slow. And heavy. I feel worst for Woolly, he is so lethargic. Last night his stomach was upset and he kept us up all night. Poor guy. Good thing work is quiet and i can be tired.

I hear that Sweden is on fire. I read dystopian books of the future and it feels close to what is happening. Earth is angry for what we are doing to it and fighting back. I focus on my garden and try and make some things live. I do have a lot of butterflies and bumblebees and it makes me feel good.

On Saturday we got ready for a day festival here in London. A new one called Kaleidoscope at Alexandra palace mixing arts and music.

I channeled 80s gym babe and George wore  his trusted festival shirt. Ready to rock and rumble.

Met up with Jim, Amelia and Brett outside Alli Palli.

We got ciders and sat down in the gras to get glitter babe ready. This is biodegradable glitter so dont feel as bad about glittering it everywhere.

Amelia and me done up as proper festival babes. It was her bday yesterday so we were celebrating her turning 35 (love that there are some people around my age). Her, Mikey and Oscar are moving down to Margate soon so need all the time i can get with this beauty.

Glittering Corny. Of course.

I needed this day. After the last couple of weeks head space a day of glitter, music and friends felt like that summer rain we all need so bad.

We watched The Go! team, Mystery Jets, Beans on Toast, Oh my church and Flaming Lips. Solid line up.

I think we both needed this day. Not easy for George seeing my sad. He always tries to help but sometimes i just need my time.

But we had the best day and so much fun together.

Made Amelia in to a glitter goddess.

Sexy boys by the glorious view at Alli Palli. It really is an amazing space for music.

We mostly just hang around having all the fun (yes, it is a cigarette in my hand. I had 5 left to smoke before im stopping cold turkey. No more.)

Crew!

Posing with my girl. Ill miss her, but, i also see it as ill have a beach house to go visit.

George was sad i didnt use my unicorn tights so he put them on my head. Classy.

It started getting dark and i put out the night time festival gear from my bag. Glowstick and LED lights.

Flaming Lips balloon extravaganza.

Yeah, BEST crew! (and best dressed because glitter and glowsticks)

This guy! Not to talk bad about previous relationships (ive been lucky and been with really amazing guys) but George just knows how to handle my crazy. He is exactly what i need when i feel like this and he always knows how to pull me put of it when i need to.

Flaming Lips. Yes, he is crowd surfing in a massive bubble. If i was famous i would totally do that.

Why not?

This is why you need glowsticks. So you can be seen in the photos.

After the festival ended we went to Victory Mansions for a couple of more drinks. Yes, i wore even more glitter #nevertoomuch

And Amelia got celebrated with a cheesecake from the bagel shop around the corner. Fancy.

Around 1.30 we headed home after an amazing day.  London, you keep amaze me when i need it the most.

Life is tough but so am I

Life right now. Or at least yesterday. I’m on a 20 day PMS bender at the moment.

But today is a good day (see the first point). We are off to a day festival at Alli Palli with Amelia, Brett and Jim and I might get to wear my unicorn tights.

There is no unhappiness in unicorn tights.

Making sure I’m reminded every day that there is a holiday at the end of this summer. When my friends are all out frolicking in the sea this is what keeps me sane.

And good times with this lil dude. Hero man.

Plus awesome friends. Katta came by yesterday with a pick me up pack. Kitty kat candy and a book to remind me I’m awesome.

Right back at you you amazing human.

So we sat on the sofa and talked about all the shit things and all of a sudden they don’t feel so bad any longer.

Exactly! Life is tough but so am I. I haven’t dealt with depression, moved country, been boss woman over 40 people and owned the shit out of life for nothing.

Hey there

Today is not a good day. Thats fine. I know how to handle bad days. I will go straight home after work and watch tv and go to bed early. And then tomorrow can be better. The good thing about bad days is that it has to get better. Eventually it always gets better.

Told you i killed my tomato plants.

I know this makes NO sense but right now it feels like a sign. Like i cant give anything life. Yeah, brain is in a funky place. You do not want to visit my dreams at the moment.

Had a mini break down with George when he tried to say its not that big a problem.

To me it is. I have channeled all into this when my spring was tricky (all of March is a bit of a blur) and it dying now, when i need something else to focus on walking around here in London with no holiday in sight, is just…no.

So yeah, its is that big a deal.

Not to mention my peppers. Dont even have energy to care about these poor bastards.

George is the best though. He gives me uber schwetty hugs and tell me everything will be alright. And when i hide in his armpit i kind of believe it.

Look at this lil dude. He is the cutest thing i know. I wish him, George and me could go and hide in the countryside for a week. Im sure G would go crazy and W would chase sheeps and i know it wouldnt fix anything but it feels like a physical need.

Ha, he is not actually angry at us. Or maybe he is. No room on the sofa AND we have washed the covers so it doesnt even smell right any longer. Bastard hoomans.

Also, dont worry about me. These things happen to people and i promise ill be back to normal soon. I think the double whammy of heat and my period being seriously delayed (not preggers, just body not working properly) means im in hormonal crazy land.

Maybe my depressions needed to happen for me to be ready for this head held high and heart ready. Im strong and i have the bestest guy by my side and we’ll deal with this like queens (yeah julia, we did watch some RuPaul).

Over and out, see you on the other side of this weekend.

Im a murderer

Ive killed my tomato plants. Im way too sad about that. Might have channeled like all my energy into the garden this spring and now i killed them.

Accidently put too much plant feed. So ive pretty much fed them to death. Please, dont speak to me about tomatoes like ever again.

😦

To nicer things. Went to see incredibles 2 yesterday with my man and Stephen. It was incredible (hahahaha). Honestly, it was great though. So much fun. Needed that in my life.

And Pho. Always need Pho.

Not only am i killing plants, there is also a discussion going with my swede girls and i have no energy for that at the moment. Its because we are all at our wits end i feel but still. I dont normally walk away from things without solving them but right now i dream of just muting everything.

But, then i would miss out on the big sandwich test. George is currently testing all the different buns at the store to see which one grills the best.

Im rooting for Ciabatta (have tried a lot) but im letting him test it for himself. Stay put for the exciting solution to this.