I havent been sure if i should write this post. If i should talk about the thing that is on my mind, constantly. But it feels weird not to. To go on and write about my life but not actually mention the thing that is this huge, unspeakable…thing.
We are trying to have a baby. And its killing me a bit. Its ‘only’ been 6 months but it feels like ages. I know its expected at my age and i try to not worry. But its hard.
There has always been a worry in me that i wont be able to have kids. Dont know where it comes from but i remember thinking from a young age that would adopt if i cant have a baby myself. For the last 5 years this have grown to a certainty. Im not sure if this is due to my depressions or my tendency to see the world painted black but i have laid awake many nights thinking about this.
And here we are. 6 months of me following the signs of my body realising they are not showing exactly what they should. Every day i take my temperature, try and listen inward, monitor. There is no break from it. I have gone to the GP but im still waiting for them to refer me to a clinic. And in the meantime i go a little bit crazy.
Ive decided to stop smoking completely and drink less. However, an unexpected thing i didnt see coming is that every time i say no to a drink now i feel like people judge me and think im pregnant and it break me inside knowing im not. So not drinking fuels this in its own way.
I feel bad toward George. My mood swings are horrible, im constantly a little bit sad and i feel guilty. Like my body is failing us. I pull away from my friends, especially the ones with small kids. Its just too hard to see their happiness. And i hate that i feel this way. Im someone who loves to share in other peoples happiness, not hide away from it.
And im scared. That this will trigger my depressions. So i fight it with all i have. I use all my positive thinking and all the tools i have been taught. I try to not let it consume me and fill my time with fun, positive things.
I do mostly succeed. But then my period comes and it all starts again.
My little mini man keeps me sane at the moment. W doesnt get what is going on. George is amazing but i cant help feeling guilty. Its all on me, i know, he doesnt do anything to make me feel that way. He is the best partner i could imagine in this and he is there for me as well as making sure i still smile.
The reason i decided to write about this is that everyone i know that talks about it does it after its fixed, once they have conceived. But its so much a part of who i am at the moment and i want to share the thing that is tearing me apart a bit. And if it can help anyone out there going through the same knowing they are not alone i hope that will.