In my head

I havent been sure if i should write this post. If i should talk about the thing that is on my mind, constantly. But it feels weird not to. To go on and write about my life but not actually mention the thing that is this huge, unspeakable…thing.

We are trying to have a baby. And its killing me a bit. Its ‘only’ been 6 months but it feels like ages. I know its expected at my age and i try to not worry. But its hard.

There has always been a worry in me that i wont be able to have kids. Dont know where it comes from but i remember thinking from a young age that would adopt if i cant have a baby myself. For the last 5 years this have grown to a certainty. Im not sure if this is due to my depressions or my tendency to see the world painted black but i have laid awake many nights thinking about this.

And here we are. 6 months of me following the signs of my body realising they are not showing exactly what they should. Every day i take my temperature, try and listen inward, monitor. There is no break from it. I have gone to the GP but im still waiting for them to refer me to a clinic. And in the meantime i go a little bit crazy.

Ive decided to stop smoking completely and drink less. However, an unexpected thing i didnt see coming is that every time i say no to a drink now i feel like people judge me and think im pregnant and it break me inside knowing im not. So not drinking fuels this in its own way.

I feel bad toward George. My mood swings are horrible, im constantly a little bit sad and i feel guilty. Like my body is failing us. I pull away from my friends, especially the ones with small kids. Its just too hard to see their happiness. And i hate that i feel this way. Im someone who loves to share in other peoples happiness, not hide away from it.

And im scared. That this will trigger my depressions. So i fight it with all i have. I use all my positive thinking and all the tools i have been taught. I try to not let it consume me and fill my time with fun, positive things.

I do mostly succeed. But then my period comes and it all starts again.

My little mini man keeps me sane at the moment. W doesnt get what is going on. George is amazing but i cant help feeling guilty. Its all on me, i know, he doesnt do anything to make me feel that way. He is the best partner i could imagine in this and he is there for me as well as making sure i still smile.

The reason i decided to write about this is that everyone i know that talks about it does it after its fixed, once they have conceived. But its so much a part of who i am at the moment and i want to share the thing that is tearing me apart a bit. And if it can help anyone out there going through the same knowing they are not alone i hope that will. 

 

 

Sandwich heaven

It was prime day on Monday. And since there was actually a couple of things i needed (and some i wanted :)) i took the chance to pick up some things on the sale.

First one was a samsonite cabin bag. I have totally killed the two i have traveling as much as i do and i thought why not get a proper one once im at it. If there is one thing i use its a cabin bag (hi, light packer).

Look at me growing up using my money for practical things rather than clothes.

Aaaaand, i got us a sandwich grill…

I used to have this as a kid (got one after selling jultidningar)  but havent had one as a grown up. Given how often we eat sandwiches i decided that hey, its time.

Plus, you can warm like anything in there. With the faint smell of warm cheese. Dream.

Look at my restaurant standard meal. Influencers, you’ve got nothing on me and my composition. Christmas tray, green plastic bowl and a hungry dog in the corner.

Living my best life.

George booked our tickets to Bulgaria. I was veeerrrrryyy happy about that. Cant wait to eat some serious shopska and swim in a blue ocean.

Well, wait i have to. Its another 7 weeks until holiday. FML.

Until then, surviving at work having nothing to do.

Surviving the heat

My body is really iffy at the moment. Probably the heat. Being the swedish vampire i am i dont deal that well with prolonged sun. Apparently. Feel like im getting a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. And also an eye infection. (no, im not pregnant, no matter how much i wish i was).

Happy days. It makes me cranky and tired. Poor George is having a handfull at the moment. Im kind of happy he is out tonight so he doesnt have to deal with this. Instead ill watch 13 reasons why and relish the fact that im not a teenager any longer.

Had a great start to the week when i came into the office and was met by cake pops. On madeira cake. Hello you tiny taste of cotton candy and unicorns.

Miranda then sent me a pic telling me i will be the proud mother of one of these if the survive the re potting.

Go, go little tiny plants. I want one of you in my house.

Took a walk during lunch. It was sweltering. Hard to get any excercide in when its like this but since me and the gym are not on speaking terms at the moment and this have been going on for weeks i kind of have to.  So really slow walking it is.

W is as tired as i am. You have to drag him down the street to get him to go for a walk in this. But like me he needs at least a pretend of exercise.

Walking to meet G at at the station. Having eaten blue bonbons. Looking fly.

Tonight im staying in when G is out. It makes me feel like the most boring person in the world sometimes but then i realise i cant compete with George. He is a machine. And the guy is out socialising like 5 times a week. Not even sure how you survive that.

All onboard the Hogwarts Express

The weeks kind of float together during summer. Not that im on holiday but its never ending warm and so quiet at work I make up things to do. This week i have no Wimbledon to break it up so it will feel loooong.

Hooray!! for kindle on your desktop.

On Friday Jules came to town. The reason was mostly Harry Potter and also me. I bought the tickets more than a year ago when i sneakily decided to find a way to make her come over when baby Agnes was big enough to be left with daddy.

Sneaky worked. So on Friday we met up for dinner and drinks in Notting hill. Starting with a pina colada at Trailer. Julia needs to taste heaven when shes in London.

After a bit of a kerfuffle with dinner place we ended up at the Elgin. W was, as always, super excited. Hlaf way through our dinner it started pouring down and we were happily chilling inside easting english pub food and planning world domination.

Singing sweet lullabies to a very unhappy and kind of bored doggo. W, you dont appreciate brilliance. Julia and i are nonsense word smiths.

On the tube home W slid into hos alter ego. Towel dog. I wish he was a crime fighting super hero but hes more of a wimpy, gremlin hating on the rain.

Once home George gave me the most epic of gifts. Light up sneakers. I mean, come one!! Sexy is not even beginning to describe this. Watch out London, this lady will light you up!

Chilly morning times on the sofa. Had to sleep here for most of the night so W and me had a proper duvet morning.

Then we headed into town for this weekends main event. The harry potter play. Yes, its two parts and we, being legends, did them both in one day. 5h theatre.

Looks at us rollin, they hatin.

Julia looks tiny in this picture. She is actually normal sized.

Before kick off we went for a light lunch at Dean Street Townhouse. Bloody Marys because, you know, Bloody Marys…

Look at this gorgeous girl. Almost 20 years friendship and counting. We’ve seen some shit together, but mostly awesome, magical things.

You get what you attract. And its never more true than with this extraordinary person.

Btw, crab. Just the best.

Ready for the showdown.

After the first part we headed to Covent Garden and sugar sin for some swede candy before doing a pit stop for a drink. Julia being all matchy and shit.

These two. Nothing better than when you man and bff genuinely like each other. I could leave them to happily hang not missing me for a second.

Collecting awesome people since 1982. Winning.

We headed back to the theatre and saw the very exciting conclusion to the play. I loved it. The stage magic was bloody crazy and the story sucked me in like…well…harry potter and i cant remember the last time ive been able to focus on one thing for 5h.

So happy we did this.

We headed for a couple of drinks at Found before calling it a night and going home.

Sunday was spent in the garden. Look, my gladiola is fighting the heat. Hello lil flower.

Me. Pretty much all day.

Even George came out for a bit. Shocker.

We put the projector up and got ready for the finals. Wishing croatia to beat those bloody frenchmen.

Lee and Aniela came and joined us for some cheering, garden hang out and thai food. Unfortunately that wasnt enough and Croatia lost. But who cares when you have good friends and thai food? Really!?

When they left we did what we do best. Watched Lost on the sofa. We are on the last season, only 6 episodes left. Not sure what ill do with my life after this.

Wimbledon the faaaaancy way

Its been two days filled with sport for me. Not that i care about sport. I dont. But i do care about the world cup (if anyone missed that) and when someone invites you to the VIP experience at Wimbledon you dont say no.

So lets have a look at these two days of sport, or, when Cissi went fancy schmancy. I feel like an influencer or something hobnobbing with the rich and the famous.

On Wednesday it was the England game. Lollo asked us we wanted to watch it at White City house. As part of the soho group its all memberships but it was filled to the brim.

George was SUPER into the game. Or not. He left after the first 20 min. Couldnt deal with either the people or the game.

(ill totally use this at a basketball game at one point)

Me and Lollo were excited though. Katta joined late and the three of us cheered our hearts out for England.

But, when it went into overtime i left. Killer headache. Walked through an empty London watching the game on my phone and getting the audio from all the pubs along the way.

Got home to man and dog and saw England lose. Oh well, they gave a good game.

On thursday i was invited by one of our providers to go to Wimbledon ladies semi finals. I dressed up in my british finest and went on my way.

Not a boring view from the skyview box.

The ticket box looked like some Willy Wonka golden ticket and i felt like a million bucks.

Seriously the cutest flower arrangements.

We had never ending drinks in the box. The others had champagne, i went gin. As always. We had a 3 course lunch. Salmon and lobster. Seriously, i could get used to this.

After food we headed down to the centre court. With roadie pimms of course.

We watched two ladies semi finals. The second was Serena Williams. She is such a queen. Winning the semis 9 months after having her baby!! For reals. I think i would barely get out of the sofa.

Queen! Everyone was cheering for her and i was very happy to see her win. It was an awesome game and i soon got into all the weird cheering and stuff and tennis crowd do.

Camr back up to afternoon tea. Look at these uber cute cakes. The little wimbledon carrot cake was the best (yeah, might have tried all of the. And had scones. And strawberries and cream of course)

The games were over by 6 so we took GTs to go and wondered around the grounds. I left around 7 realising i needed a good nights sleep if i were to survive the day after (totally getting old).

Such a great day though and loving me some fancy wimbledon even if i must admit i prefer the queing old school way.

Tonight Julia is here!!!! and tomorrow we are, finally, seeing the Harry Potter play. See me rollin’.

Its coming home

Today im cheering for England. Thats the good thing about having an adopted country where little old men are singing ‘its coming home’ when they are passing each other on the streets. You feel part of it. Or decide to be part of it.

So i guess ill be singing ‘its coming home’ tonight too when i meet Lollo, George and Katta at White House to see the game.

My hot man on a hot day in London. On Monday we went together to pick up mini doggo and then died on the sofa watching Lost. We are at the last season now. I missed it when it was all going down so George is watching it with me again. He is never happier than he gets to show me an old tv-series ive missed.

Yeah, standard this hot summer. Dead around the house and all doors open.

George, trying to help, refilled the pool. Problem is that he failed. He missed the whole ‘clear the wrinkles and make sure its flat’ thing so now it looks (and feels) like a wrinkly, lopsided stone. yes, i might have been a tad upset using the phrase ‘just because you are never out here you dont care’.

I dont think anything has gotten me so (silly) annoyed as George just not feeling the garden.

Found the perfect flower for my vase from dad. A hortensia.

I love this vase. Apparently mum found it a bit useless but thats why i love it. The whole single flower thing. Plus since i moved to London hortensias have become a new favourite flower.

Took a walk alon the river with Katta last night. It had finally cooled down and I decided that both W and me needed a proper walk. Feel like ive been doing nothing for the last couple of weeks. True summer life.

It was absolutely stunning outside and i felt that ache of love in my heart. For my city, my friends and my life.

Things are not always easy but they are pretty damn good.

Its weird the love you feel for a dog. He doesnt really do anything but i still think he is the cutest thing alive.

Because he is.

And this is the reason i bought a pool

Its a bit chillier today. Ony 23 degrees. Its nice to actually feel a bit cool again. And wanting hugs, had forgotten how much i like hugs.

Working from home today. Its so quiet at work i get about 10 emails a day. So im chilling on the sofa. Too cool for pool though.

But that was not the case on Saturday when it was time for our spontaneous pool party to watch the sweden england game.

Pool was all ready to rock and rumble, with pride inflatable and all.

I got myself all dressed up. Any chance i get as you guys know.

A mix of swedes and non swedes. But no english people. We dont support that on our football pool party day.

Lily looked all swede in her pool matching swimsuit.

Game ready! Unfortunately we lost as you guys know but not sure to not having enough excited supporters in a flat in west London.

We were on fire.

I mean, look at these football (and drinks) hungry faces.

Cant describe how much i love my pool. Its huge and ridicilous but oh so good on a sunny day. Plus Katta gave us the drink holders. Like it needed to get more awesome.

You can actually comfortably fit around 6 people. At least when they are not too drunk and rowdy.

Baby Sophie was a keen sweden supporter.

I got everyone sweden ready with face tattoos.

Half way through the game Liam showed up. He might be english but we love him anyway so he was allowed to join. Plus, we had already lost by then so it was ok.

We decided to go for the singing and dancing instead. Trust a swede to celebrate a loss as much as a win. We just want the cheese music.

Baby Sophie, already a little party animal.

So much swede, so much happiness, so many pina coladas.

And of course all the glitter. Because never a cissi party without the glitter. Katta looked like a pretty mermaid.

And Liam, the colourful pool boy.

This is where things started to go a bit blurry. As they do when its warm, you have the best people around you and you drink coladas and kimchi bloody mary.

Yeah, a face of total sober.

Finding the last of the sun in the pool before it all goes away.

Me and my man in a, very disgusting looking, pool in our garden with all our friends around us. This is life.

Then i was done. Popcorn, laying down and giving up on the night. 12h drinking is enough for this lil hero.

Yep, told you. Found W hiding in the study and decided to join him.

Woke up to your standard pounding headache and dreams of escaping your own body.

Ate pizza instead.

And laid down in our super disgusting pool because could not care less.

Life. Pretty awesome.

Date night

The heat wave continues. Im sure that for years we will talk about summer -18. The never ending summer when everyone melted in the big city. Not even i need to stay outside to enjoy every minute any longer.

Yesterday i wore the t-shirt George gave me. Swag to the max.

I also made the huge mistake of wearing a black leather skirt. Melting.

But, i wanted to dress up since George and me went do a date night at Aquavit.  Never say no to some delicious swede food. And even better when one of the best bartenders manages the bar. Between Jay and Dora we got treated like kings.

Drank delicious things with names like Aurora

And i had a very non swede starter with oysters but just too good to not eat.

But then, meatballs and Biff Rydberg. Exactly as amazing as it looks. We ate until our bellies couldnt take any more.

Hello!

Even if i was crazy full decided to go for some dessert. This is an arctic birds nest. White chocolate on blueberry sorbet with honey ‘branches’. Even some edible gold. Looked like a magpie nest.

After all that awesome food we went to chill with Jay in the bar for a while before going to Mimis for a nightcap. One of those lovely summer evenings seeing friends and having a date night the way we both love, surrounded by people we care about

Fell asleep safely in the arms of my love.

Being content

Took zero pictures yesterday. One of those days. Work, home to George, dinner in front of the TV and finally the last episode of Westworld.

I felt content. Its one of those feelings that are easy to overlook when you dream of happiness and adventure every day. But i remember when i was deepest in depression. I didnt dream of happiness, could barely remember the feeling. I dreamt of being content. Of waking up without that crushing sadness or grey numbness. Of getting through an entire day without crying in a bathroom. Of eating an ice cream without the overwhelming need to throw it all up to battle my demons.

And im here. Yesterday i woke to a day of all of those things. Joked with my colleagues at work, potted in the garden and snuggled up next to George on the sofa. Ate my ice cream and fell asleep in the arms of someone i love.

On my darker days i fear the numbness and hide from the feeling with big smiles. But, they are few and far apart and at the moment all my demons are held at bay. There is a long way to spiral down and im in a very happy place.

So i keep floating through this summer of endless warm days and sunshine existing in this bubble of content.

win win

Sweden vs England for quarter finals. What a game. Good thing for me is that whoever wins i get to cheer. Well, i want Sweden to win of course but IF England wins the whole country will be celebrating and not sad about that.

A classic win win as they say.

Yesterday W and me were VERY eccited about the game and walked around all day in our outfits and tattoos. Good thing we won. W would have been gutted otherwise.

At lunch i went home to lay out the pool.

A tad too big….me and measurements are not the best of friends. And when i asked George about i he was still sleeping. So now we have a pool as big as our garden. RIP garden.

Went back to work for some excrutiating football. Still not made for this shit but at least we won so all good in the hood.

I wore swede outfit. Of course. Taking every chance to dress up. Maybe i should have been an actress, then this would have been my life.

Came home to the beast of a pool after work again and started to fill it up.

It took forever so i cooked some food for myself and ate it watching the slow progress.

Ate and ice cream and watched the game between England Colombia. Shouldnt have been surprised the pool took FOREVER to fill up.

The view from out window. Im going to live in this over the weekend. Its been enough of a head ache that i need to get my proper use out of it.

So yeah, not good at this whole measurement thing. At least  we have a massive pool for our party on saturday. Watching the game drinking pina coladas.

When you dont have holiday until September make a beach club in your backyard.