A bulgarian feast

Monday. Only 18 days until holiday. Cant. Wait. Like seriously, i need this holiday. There is something to the three weeks you get encouraged to take in Sweden. At least when you havent had anything but two long weekends in Sweden more than two months ago (yes, hear my tiny, tiny violin)

Had a quiet weekend, George was away so mostly spent it with my girls. On Friday Katta and me were invited for dinner at Ellas. She had made banitza. George favourite bulgarian food. Poor dude was beyond jealous.

Plus all the other delicious Ella things. Quinoa salad, roasted sweet potatoes, shrimps and lamb kofte.

Lamb kofte and one of my favourite girls.

(Sorry Ella for this pic, you are a beauty really but this is not your best angle…)

We drank wine (yes, GT) and Ella told us about her new bf. Colour me curious. I love when my friends meet someone because a) they are so damn happy and b) i love meeting new people that will become important in my life.

Ellas sister Julie and her husband came as well. The sisters were unintentionally matching. Dont know why i find this so cute but i really do. Even down to the phone covers.

Ella and Loli. Woolly as hiding upstairs, he just cant take all the love Lola showers him with.

We also spoke about the whole baby making thing. Ella recommended some natural medication that had helped her friends so now im going to try Vitex. Its basically a natural herb that stimulates your hormones and helps regulates your period (and mood, need that!). My period is very irregular (26-46 days) which makes it harder to conceive and this is supposed to help this. Plus no side effects so why not try.

Im also taking follic acid after recommendation from the doctor. Thought that was only when you are pregnant but its apparently good when you are trying as well. Whatever the doctors tell me to do im all over that shit. Following orders like a boos. Last thing will be to book in an accupuncture appointment. Ive always wanted to try, who doesnt want to be full of needles?

Look at me trying all this natural stuff. Dont worry, ive done my research and its all proven to help some people. And who knows, i might be some people.

Retail therapy

Ive been pretty good at not spending too much over this quite slow and warm summer so i decided that i deserved a little treat (what really happened was that i lay awake last night, alone since george is away, and feeling a bit low and decided to check out the Outnet…at 2 am. And the rest is history.)

Anyways, i ended up buying some things that will make absolutely no difference to my life but makes me feel a little bit better because pretty things (and yes, i know that is not the way to think and its bad for the planet but sometimes you just need easy and simple and pretty)

Leather tote bag. My old bag from the outnet is quite heavy for the summer months when its filled up with stuff so hoping this will be a good alternative. Plus sexy.

And this dress was just too cute. This, leather jacket, knee high boots and my new tote bag for autumn and i will feel like a million dollars. And, most women know that sometimes you can fight the worst of the bad days but looking great.

Went home after lunch yesterday. Had The Best Sandwich. Sesame bagel with brussel pate and cornichons. Sexy photo as well. You can tell i dated a photographer for 4 years.

You and me W, you and me.

Look, London had gone green again. A couple of days rain and the parks are blooming again. W and me loved it and ran around like kids. Both of us.

Naaaaw. Such a cute little face.

Tonight off to dinner with Ella and Katta and tomorrow we are hitting up Richmond. Doing all the out of London stuff when George is away.

Also planning a work trip to NYC in October. There are two conferences going down and im planning to try and fit them both in. Same week as Danis wedding though so will be globetrotting the shit out of my life.

The darkness in my mind

Im sorry to those of you that are not that interested in hearing about my, somewhat depressing, baby journey. Its just all I think of at the moment and since this is my space i find it really hard to fake it. Good thing about not really having readers you dont know is that i can let it be my space, to be as happy or sad as i am.

Got the follow up appointment from the doctor. At the end of October. So not 6 weeks but almost 11. Thats just feels…too long. I had prepared myself to let it go for 6 weeks and now im struggling. I know its NHS and its all free and I should be happy that im getting help at all and that it hasnt been that long…

I know all of that but my mind has its own mind (yeah, just wrote that) and this is my world where well, im the most important there is (sorry G&W). And its not helping that ive run out of prozac, had to go cold turkey and cant get hold of the GP for an appointment for another two weeks. I need that on a good day and being in the middle of this isnt really what i would call a good day.

Also, the thing is struggle with the most is how hard it sometimes is to be happy for others around me. Especially the ones that are pregnant right now. I kind of just want to live in a pregnant free world for a while. Anyone willing to provide that? Maybe i should hide on a deserted island. Go all Robinson on my life.

So again, sorry for being so negative and sad about it. I actually try and be more postive in real life. So this is kind of where i let it all out. The frustration and fear and sadness. Because its there, like a little ball of dark curled up in my mind at all times. Triggered by the smallest things and making me quite unstable.

This picture ha nothing to do with the text. It was just me starving yesterday eating everything. As you do.

George is in Finland at the moment so me and Woolly have the flat to ourselves. We will eat bagels for dinner and read stupid YA books about fairies. Winning.

Old friends in new places

I went to an interview yesterday. Im not really looking but if something interesting shows up i always go see them, if nothing else to keep my interviewing skills relevant. Gotta sell yourself.

She asked me what i wanted to do next in my career and i didnt really have a good answer. Most recruiters i talked to over the last year is looking for someone hungry who can go in and properly drive growth in smaller businesses. The problem for me is that given hopes for family that isnt really what i want for the coming years. I want peace and quiet and busy-ish.

Dont get me wrong, im happy at work and the recent funding indicates that ill be able to stay here for a while but im also aware that it will be a next step and at the moment i have NO idea what that is.

Looked sharp for my interiew. Or like an innocent victorian lady. Take your pick.

Very fancy recruiter firm. Chilled by myself drinking tea before. Good times. Then i got lost in my passion for changing the world for women and making my teams happy and im not sure thats what this company was looking for.

Well, if they dont want me i dont want them. Like dating. Go with the one you can see a future with.

In the evening i met up with Robin and Stan as well as George, Liam and Maria for drinks and food. We sent an angry photo to Eric complaining about him not being there. Not that we invited him.

Two bulgarians and a swede. We had dinner at a newly opened restaurant up East called Saint Leonard. It was…not good. I mean, the food was alright but the service was shit and ive had better executed food for that price so overall would not recommend.

But we were pretty happy anyway.

Boys doing boys thing together. But to be honest, we mostly spoke about how much we’ve all grown and settled down since that first year at Ifield Rd. Kind of sad but mostly needed. You cant be constantly partying forever.

After dinner Robin and Stan did the tuesday thing and went home. Me, not having drunk all weekend, decided that yes, i need at least 2 more drinks so we headed to Found. Totally the right decision.

And, the good thing about not smoking is that you feel about half as hungover when you wake up. So aceing it today.

A post about timings

One of the things they asked us at the clinic was how long we have been trying to get pregnant and id thought ill tell you some about that. Especially if you just find your way here and have questions or generally just wonders about timings like i did.

I went off the pill in September but at that time we were rather trying NOT to get pregnant. But due to how irregular my periods are (something i only realised when i started charting) we pretty much probably messed up the not pregnant timing anyway.

Once we got engaged in NYC in February and started talking wedding George asked me if we shouldnt try for a baby before. Being 36 and knowing age have a huge impact I couldnt have loved him more for realising how important it was to me. (Especially being 4 years younger and not having the same biological clock crazily ticking away as i do.) Wedding has always been less of a big deal to me (to be honest, for the longest time i didnt want to get married at all) and i might have been dreaming about that mini dark haired, green eyed baby for a while.

So yes, we have been trying since mid February and we are now up to 6 months. I know that doesnt sound like a long time but after having consulted with my GP and due to being off the pill for almost a year, having very irregular periods and being past 35 they decided to refer us.

Knowing that it still early it might just be a matter of having to wait it out but i rather know and take any precautions if needed. And trust me, 6 months is a long time when you are waiting for something you desperately want.

The nap queen

Had such a lazy weekend. Suits London at the moment. People are on holiday, the parks are all burnt brown and it rained pretty much all weekend. Perfect sofa weather. Woolly was laying so close and we napped together in the afternoons.

Had so many people asking me and cheering me on about the appointment. You are all awesome. Makes me feel less lonely. And also, weirdly, like its going to be ok. On the other hand i got asked if i was pregnant on the summer party. And that kind of…hurts. Because i have to explain im not. I guess thats part of why im talking so openly about it here, to not have to answer questions about it.

Seriously, rationality has nothing to do with anything right now.

On Friday i met the girls for dinner at Havelock. How i love that pub. And my girls. Perfect storm.

Katta and me started with Bloody Marys and promises to be better at doing things including nature. Next week we are heading to Richmond, ages since we were there.

This beauty showed up after a while, filled with energy and happy thoughts. Then we talked mid 30s talk. The whole babies, career, partners, money, life shebang. So many pieces of the puzzle and so hard to make them all work out.

But, in the end. Life is damn good when you have amazing people around you.

On Saturday George and me went to see a football game. My manager had lent me his season tickets to QPR and we headed 20 min up the road for some proper english culture.

Sure, i love you too babe.

We were one row from the field. Pretty banging seats. Georges brothers old school friend is one of the players so we had a reason to properly cheering as well.

GOAL!! Unfortunately they lost after a penalty but we enjoyed ourselves massively eatling burgers and drinking beer.

Sunday morning colourful brekkie. Love fruit season.

Walkies with Woolly in the morning. Thats the beauty, and sometimes bore, of having a dog. They need to be walked Every. Damn. Day.

When we came home W and me fell asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours. Told you it was mega chilled time.

In the evening we went to the cinema to watch ant man and the wasp. It was solid fun. And i got to eat popcorn so considered a win all around.

And that was our weekend. Some highs, some lows and now only 25 days to holiday. Cant wait, i have been hating on seeing everyone else being away but it will be pretty awesome extending my summer into September.

Summer party

We went to the clinic today. It was…ok. Or, honestly, i was massively stressed out and realising when i got home that i somehow lost my wallet on the way there made me break down crying. So yeah, i guess it was ok…ish.

However, our doctor was great and he made me take a blood test and referred me to two other tests as well as George for his stuff. We will be back there in 6 weeks and look at the outcome of the tests and next steps. So until then, nothing but enjoying the last of summer and our holiday in Bulgaria.

And btw, good thing i stopped smoking. NHS wont treat you if you smoke. I had no idea about that.

Yesterday was summer party. I had super red lips – fenty red lip paint, and felt like a million dollar.

Team getting the tequila shots ready before leaving the office. Because tests today i took it easy but cant say no to a team tequila.

Uday brought it all the way from Mexico.

Went to the Eagle on askew road. It was pissing down so our summer garden party turned into a pub party.

Who cares hanging with the best team

When they started playing drinking games i left. I was home by 10 and the crew was home by 2.30. Good thing i left even if i broke the after party at mine tradition.

All done and dusted on my tests. Working from home today. Have no energy for anything. The girls are coming over tonight and we are going to Havelock for dinner. Thats about as much as i can muster.

I know ill be better tomorrow but today is not a good day. Stressed and tired. But, now i cant do anything for 6 weeks so chill time deluxe.

Singing in the rain

We have our first appointment with the doctor tomorrow. Im pretty nervous. And happy that its finally happening. But mostly nervous. I want to know if its an issue but also not. Happily ignorant is a thing.

We also have our summer party tonight. So yeah, taking it easy because wont sit in a fertility clinic reeking of booze.

My mind is a bit of a rollercoaster. Half of the time i manage to think ‘hey its ok, it will happen when its supposed to and we will end up having the cutest little swedish/norwegian/bulgarian/aussie/english kid. The other half im terrfified of the journey ahead and just sad thinking that kid will never exist.

But dont worry, im a pro at trying to stay positive and at least things are moving. And you know what? Less than a month to Bulgaria.

George was away in Finland over the last couple of days so we did what we do best. Send shit loads of selfies.

Hot stuff right there.

The team gave Marty a bday gift. He loves Marmite so naturally he got a jar of Martymite. Happy boyo.

Today its 19 days since i had a cigarette. Didnt smoke that much before but feel good having stopped. Not that i notice ANY difference but i guess ill save some money at least. And my lungs are probably thanking me.

Family reunion. Woolly was also away when George was in Finland so it was very lonely in the flat. Having a dog i dont understand why you wouldnt. Best company ever.

Morning walk. Yes, its raining. Dont think i have ever loved rain this much. Woolly too, he was running around like a lil puppy.

Came in to a chocolate bar. Thank you Marty. Getting ready for the summer party. Well, the kind of tame summer party but still. I can drink until 10.

Bye bye Stu

As you know by now Stu is being made to leave the country after us trying to sponsor him for a visa fell through (dont let me start on my Brexit rant please).

So on Monday it was time for his leaving drinks. Why people do stuff on mondays i dont know but since its Stu i trekked all the way up East.

Nope, we are definitely not here to fuck spiders (this is an Aussie saying. Kind of like ‘we are here to get the job done’)

Yeah, we all signed the petition. Unfortunately no one was listening and he is still being deported 😦

Your standard Monday at Home shenanigans.

Super mega sad Stu is leaving. Except for Henry. He is just trying to look cool.

You still have to smile for the Home polaroid though.

Team. Everyone left early but it was lovely to see everyone and to get the chance to say a proper goodbye to Stu.

Fake laughing at George because he is Finland and not here. No, we were not happy about that.

Its finally a bit cooler outside and im wearing jeans today. Yes, the small mercys in life.

Ben and Courts wedding

I didnt smoke at the wedding!! Hallelujah! A whole day in a garden with pretty much everyone smoking around me and i didnt. Being good at being good.

When we left on the Saturday, missing our first train, we then realised it was a train strike. In 30 degrees heat. Tempers were frayed. But Goerge managed to sleep anyway. Total super power!

Ended up having to get ready in a train cafe bathroom and buy a wedding gift at a local antique store. Nothing like a little morning drama to get you in the wedding mood.

But we eventually got there and it was absolutely lovely. In Bens parnets house in Dorset. Amazing garden and Ben and Courts had made it to a summer dream.

Look at all these happy faces. Lovely local dinner and so many people i havent seen in ages. Me and Ben are shit at meeting up living so far away from each other but having met 8 years ago there are just too many memories.

Me and my own sexy Australian (yes, Courney is also from down under).

Ben being VERY nervous but giving a lovely and funny speech. Its just something about seeing your friends falling hard in love and looking at their wife the way Ben looks at Courts.

And these two <3. A long time since we all danced to ‘Cant get no satisfaction’ in their Hackney Downs flat. London would not have been the same if i wouldnt have met these guys in Ibiza.

More than anything, they taught me how to hug. Took my swedish awkardness and aloofness and literally hugged it out of me.

Yes, wedding cake.

Being the BEST wedding cake ever. Might totally steal that. Not interested in a traditional one but love cheese!

Some sexy Miami Vice vibes going on when London fashion goes to Dorset.

You have to love just sitting around on the grass talking to old and new friends.

But then, party… I knew Ben would make sure it was a fun one. There is a reason hes been my best party friend. And Courts is definitely the woman for him.

Ok, i know ive spread a lot of love on Ben in this post. But, he is my frog and there is never too much love for this man.

Or this guy. What a lovely, fun and amazing day we had. And of course closed the party at 2.30 am. Because that is who we are.

Leaving you with this. Late night dancing with favourite people.