Finding the calmness inside

I love autumn when its like this one. Long, warm days with that crisp autumn air and the world turning into sparkling colours. Cold mornings and you have to take off your sweater by the afternoon when the air heats up.

Lucky for me the weekend was exactly like that. To the point that i even complained on the Sunday because it was too warm. I want to use my sweaters…

On Saturday katta and me headed to Richmond to take a walk before Lollos bday lunch. Most of London took to the streets to protest Brexit so we were left to a deserted and very colourful  Richmond Park.

Not unhappy having this beauty by my side.

We walked around in the more foresty bits feeling like forest elves in our skirts and dresses.

Said hello to this guy chilling under a tree. The deers in Richmond are wild but kind of uncaring about all the humans. So we could get this close and he just kind of a bit of a stinky eye before we moved on.

I mean, look at all this beauty. When i get old ill make George live close to a forest i can walk around in with like 5 dogs.

Totally dressed for walking around in a forest. In my defence we were going straight to the fancy lunch at Petersham nuserries so dress for sucess. And yes, it was t-shirt weather even in the shade.

At Petersham the Christmas baubles had come out. Yes, i was in heaven. Katta gifted her and me with the same bauble. My tree is going to be beyond epic this year, i have so many lovely decorations now from all over the world.

Whats cooking good looking?

Waiting for the others to show up. Both hungry and dreaming of a GT but they only served wine. Oh well. Probably for the best.

It was a set menu with like 8 different courses. Lovely as always at Petersham but loads fo food.

Katta and Lily. Both Bookclub Babes.

Yes, totally eating with my eyes as well when om here.

Mini Rey, Rachel and Sam. Yes boys, having a pretty gorgeous view going on here.

This <3. Plum and almond tart. Ive fallen in love with plum frangipane tarts since i came to England. Not too sweet but so good.

The birthday girl herself in all her blue leopard glory. Happy you day you gorgeous girl.

It was turning all cotton candy when we left.

Ha, always the joker my guy. We all took cabs to the Westbourne for a drink or 3.

We look more party than we actually were. I started yawning around 10 and George was a shell after all the traveling so we went home around 10.30.

On Sunday we went to brunch in East and had such a nice time i took zero photos. On the way home i had a bit of a looping outburst on George, Which was totally not fair. Cant really stop myself when my brain starts going a bit mental like that and its so much negative thoughts and fears at the moment that it get bad.

Basically im scared. Im scared of whats ahead, what it will do to me and my mental health and mostly what itll do to me and George. I feel guilty for all of this and like im making him do something he doesnt want to do (which is not true, thats my demons) and i push out. To him and to punish myself.

It sucks. But i dont know how to stop. It gets built up and the fear makes me say stupid shit. Think i should probably get back into therapy to have someone to talk to. Just to get it out from time to time and air it rather than just pushing it down.

People that knows tells me this is one of the hardest things you can go through as a couple and im feeling it. Its like a ball of hurt that makes me feel lonely and scared. All the time. And i know George is feeling it as well.

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