Woolly hat for Woolly

Landed a bit after the meeting yesterday. Im always rolling after a counceling session. Memories man.

Anyways, as i said, we are aiming to go to Sydney for the original dates and then start when we are back. Gives us a chance to chill out for two weeks and come back rested heart and soul. Or something. To be honest, nothing has really changed in our plans since Christmas but i was taken on an emotional rollercoaster with potential changes so just need to settle back into the plans.

Yes, i need stability and plans and straight answers when shit like this go down.

What felt reassuring was that the councelor was very supportive of us and seemed happy for the help and support we give eachother. Also amazing that she is there if we need her.

Worked from home in the afternoon and then George and me watched Sex Education. Hilarious. And was not prepared to Mikael Persbrandt show up…

Dressed Woolly in my hat. He is just too cute isnt he.

Relaxing week. No money january and still feeling the anti social. Hoping to head to Richmond with Katta over the weekend and George is off to Scotland thurs-fri so quiet times at home. Kix is in London as well so crossing my fingers to see her but also want to give her all the romantic times with her gf.

Burning sky and never ending appointments

I feel like i live in some Kafkaesque back and forth and never ending bureacracy in this baby journey.

We had our meeting today. With a councellor. It was great in terms of us discussing the fears and worries and for her to introduce herself if we need her. We can call on her when it all becomes too much and i have a feeling that will be soon.

Because we didnt get any more answers on treatment and start date etc. We still need to wait for the doctor to call and then book a coordination meeting before we can book our treatment and then i need to wait for my period. So given timelines and how long getting appointments tend to take we will go to Sydney and hopefully we can start when we are back. That will only set us back max a month and we get our holiday and rest (as much rest as you get when you are visiting people) before everything kicks off. And then we hope for the best.

Hopefully itll be a little Christmas baby given the timelines. I will suck as Sannas bridesmaid though.

So pretty in the park this morning. Freezing but pretty.

W and me had a great old time while George was too snoozy to make it up. Its fine, my morning walks help my brain at the moment.

Look at this sky on fire.

This is how it is sometimes. You feel Sad and Scared and Little and Alone and definitely Not much fun to be around but thats just what it is.

Im considering what to do about my bday. I dont want to party and get drunk and stuff, to be honest i dont want much of anything. But maybe it would be good to do something fun, to see friends. I dont know. I just feel like Eeyore, like i want to sit by myself at home and mope.

Puppies and flowers

Its a freezing Monday in January and we are heading to the doctor today so my head is a bit all over the place. I think its best to leave all of this until tomorrow when we know more.

So let me tell you about my weekend instead. Filled with people and fun to take my mind of things.

On Friday Woolly and me headed to Katta for late Xmas dinner and 3 year in London celebration dinner.

She had made amazing food as always and made the table a bit Christmassy with red flowers and the star still up.

W loves it when he comes here because he always gets the most delicious left overs. And yes, he keeps following her around hoping for things to fall straigth into his mouth.

After a delicious dinner on chicken stew and ginger ice cream with oranges and cookies it was time for the gift exchange.

Katta gave me a lovely Klong vase called ang (meadow). Because it looks like a meadow when you put yout flowers in there. She said she wanted me to have something to keep me busy in these tricky times and something pretty to look at.

<3. So sweet. I love it. Plus the fact that she is looking our after our interior design needs.

I gave her a little flirty devil from Thomas Sabo. Wanted her to remember that she is a little flirty devil with laughter in her eyes and lethal the the boys hearts whenever she feels sad our tired.

Plus shes been here 3 years now. Thank universe that sent her here.

On Saturday it was bday lunch for Elin at Montys deli in Hoxton.

Elias and Anthony came with their new little whippet/italian greyhound pupper Honey. Only 12 weeks and so cute.

She won everyones heart.

Happy happy birthday angel. Cant believe we’ve been here for 9 years now.

Roxy and Honey being a bit suspicious of eachother…

Lovely to see everyone i havent seen in ages. London family.

Ben and Courts where there as well and Ben did a very impressive impersonation of a Bond villain.

After lunch we went to a pub and then back to Elin and Toms place for chit chat, pizza and cookies. Around 9 i started to flag. Have a low energy reserve at the moment so i headed home to my bed and my dog after the bestest of days.

Had got my Bloom and Wild flowers to instantly set them up on my vase from Katta. Look how pretty it is. You put individual stems in there and it does look like a mini meadow in our flat.

And this is the full boquet. Its ridicilous how much i love getting these flowers every two weeks. It makes me way to happy for just being flowers.

Hello there pretty blooms in pretty vase.

All the flowers. And the book light i got from George for Christmas. Love it. Such aspoilt girl by friends and family (and myself :))

Ha, we are not actually sad. It was all sunny and pretty on Sunday and we went for walks, bought cakes at the Ravenscourt garden cafe and then went home to the sofa. Perfect day in other words. There is only that much socialising you have in you after a weekend of people.

Stuck in my own head

You know that feeling when you get tired of yourself? I mean, not my body or anything. Im fab :). No, you get tired of your own brain and thinking/talking about the same things. Thats me right now. Im pretty bored with myself. My head is stuck in the same place and i can really only focus on one thing. And for better or worse, since ive told people about what we are going through they are being awesome and caring and asking but it means i get even more tired of myself.

I mean come on. How many times can you hear yourself talking about the same thing before you want to punsh yourself in the face 🙂

Tonight im heading to Katta. Lucky her, she gets to hang with me and my one track mind. Winner.

Woolly is being a little weirdo at the moment. He basically wants to sit on me, dont really say hi to George and barely eats. This was him all evening last night.

and this. As close as he can possibly get.

George was out with Miika from work so W and me watched anime and tried to stay out of my head. Teamwork.

Frozen London. It was freezing this morning when we got to the park and W was runnig around trying to not freeze his paws off.

Hey there lil monster.

Im spending my non drinking days with caring for my skin and using face oils and shit. Cant say i ever do much, my skin is pretty easy to manage, but when its this cold and grey even i need a little boost to not disappear in my own paleness.

Drinkstorming and interior shit

I broke my dry january yesterday for a drinkstorming with the team. Valid since being the boss who get their team drunk seems…less legit. Feeling fresh today though. Probably because i went straight to bed coming home and slept for 10h 🙂 Thats how you rock a hangover folks.

Tonight im seeing my ex colleague Sarah in town for dinner. I was planning on cancelling because tired and socially meh at the moment but a) she caught me slightly tipsy in confirming and b) my promise for the year of being better at seeing friends and socialising.

So here goes dinner in town and smart woman talks.

Marty in my team got me this kids lunch meal. He is educating me in weird british foods. This literally has mini ham, cheese and crackers in the same pack. It was not as bad as i thought. But not particularly good either. Still not convinced.

This is from the office vibe survey we do at work. All anonymous. Loving the feedback. Especially after feeling a bit shit about having less energy for work and the team at the moment.

Its all about cheering on the good stuff and giving yourself a break. And the drinkstorming yesterday went great and we came out with some constructive feedback as well as setting a roadmap for the next 6 months. That the team got to set themselves so now they kind of have to do it 🙂

Then i got tipsy and started sending messages to George..

Came home to take some interior pictures. As you do.

The cleaner was there and the flat looked all fresh. Yes, that needed some pics. And these are the roses George gave me blooming and looking all pretty.

Yes, drunken pics of roses and shit is what you do when you are 36.

Our new pillow cases from mum and dad are the green ones. Look at our sofa looking all fresh again. Just dont smell the doggy blankets…

Gift paradise

Im having a drinkstorming with my team today. And yes, i will break my dry jan for one day since i always think it feels a bit weird as a manager to get your team to drink and not you.

Its interesting trying to balance work with private life at the moment. Work just feels…insignificant. Its hard to care when my mind is constantly somewhere else. I dont think its affecting the team much since im here and available but i can tell i have no extra energy for anything.

Was about to cancel the drinkstorming. Until i realised that it means a lot to the team and they need it. So just strap in, have that drink and talk strategy. Im nothing if not good at just keep going.

Zero pics from yesterday so here is my Christmas gifts. Because why not.

Mum and dad gave me this amazing earring i dreamt of from Maria Nilsdotter. I love it. Cool and pretty. Like me 🙂

They also gave me the PJ. That i might have lived in. Always wanted one of these old school ones and now im a proud owner of one. Top!

They also gave me cushion covers plus a pretty bracelet i use every day. From Jakob i got a super cozy scarf and from Sandra a very pretty tea strainer. Feel very lucky and spoilt. All things i dreamt of.

And from George i got this commisioned drawing of me asan elf warrior with my trusted side kick woolly by my side living in a massive book tree.

Yes, if im ever going to live as a comic book character that would be me. He also gave me a course to make smelly candles. Dream come true.

Feel all spoilt and happy and cared for by my family. They are the best. And the pretty dress all the way from Sydney. Plus my skeleton unicorn outfit from Kat. I mean come one, not sure i deserve it but happily take it anyway 🙂

Hello there fairyland

Crazy to think we are already half way through January. Spring, here we come. Well, at the moment its still freezing and dark but i can tell that its getting a little bit lighter every evening. After this summer i thought id never dream of warmth again but i am. At least a life without massive scarves and hats.

My computer at work. The most unproffessional place in the office :). But it makes me happy. And in no way affect my way of working. If men can have golf clubs and whiskey in their offices i can have fairylights and unicorns on my desk.

Yes, here is a little tour of all the happy things i surround myself with. Deal with it. Also, love that we have a GOT count down on our white board. That is some serious shit right there.

My colleague Riad gave me a lip balm yesterday. So sweet. We went for lunch last week and my lip started bleeding half way though and wouldnt stop. To the point that i was talking to him mouth full of blood (sorry) so he felt i needed this. True.

George is in Bristol working so W and me had the bed to ourselves. I wanted to sleep, he wanted to play.

He won. Because he is so cute so i couldnt say no.

Then i watched anime and decided to shut down my brain for the evening. Every little setback feels hard to deal with at the moment. Things that would be a breeze makes me stress.

Things that run in circles in my head at the moment:

  • Surgery. Injections. Hormones.
  • What if there wont be a baby. How many tries do we do? How much money do we need to save?
  • Work. When do i tell them. Do i tell them?
  • And they might want to give me another team. Do i say yes? No? But what if things dont work. Then i want something to focus on.
  • Sydney. Do we go? Or not?
  • Should we get a new place. Buy something? Place now is not baby friendly.
  • I might not even be able to be there for Sannas hen do. It makes me sad.
  • If it works do we even stay in London? How long can i be on maternity leave. We need my salary and…

Ok, i need to stop now. Future is a blur. One thing at a time. Right now my head only has room for the absolute acute things. Hence anime. My perfect place when the world is too much.

WTF!

Just need to rant. Not because i think that anyone has an answer for me but need to get it out somewhere and since this is my place i do what i want. Moahahaha.

We booked our trip to Sydney in March. Even if i was a bit all over the place on if it was the best thing to do given ivf and postponing it i still thought it could be nice for us to get a holiday before and for George to go to one of his best mates weddings. So i got my head around to starting ivf mid March and thats just 2 more months and can be done.

But then Georges work told him they are all coming to London 6-9 of March (booking without checking with him. Dont even get me started on that…) and he really wants to be here for that so now there are a couple of solutions that all feel pretty shit to be honest

  • We postpone the trip and leave on the 9-25th. Pushes ivf even more and im struggling with that mentally. Plus cost for changing the ticket
  • We cancel the trip all toghether but wont get any money back, thats a lot of money gone.
  • We change the ticket for next year but George dont get to go to the wedding and cost for changing tickets.
  • We go anyway (which i know George really dont want)
  • George go by himself and i stay behind since im really the one that needs to be here for the doctor stuff.

Added to this is that i really struggle waiting for all of this to start. Now that we know next step i kind of just want to get started and reduce the time i have to go around and worry. Because worry i do. My dreams is a veritable amusement park of nightmares.

Not sure what the best thing is. If it was just up to me I would be inclined to go anyway for the dates we booked or just cancel the trip all together and see the money gone. Unless its cheap to change them for next year which i doubt. This way we can just focus on whats ahead. But i know this is really important to George, both being here for work and to go to one of his best friends weddings. So no easy choice.

As i said, i dont hope for any answers. Just need to get it all out somewhere.

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Nap season

Hey guys, happy Monday! Im starting my 2019 playlist on Deezer, drink endless cups of tea and fight the grey winter skin with face oils and lots of water (read diet coke. Im shit at drinking water.). Yep, its all January and grey and i dream of spring but secretly like any excuse to take naps on the sofa with mini hound.

This weekend was all snoozy calm times. Make no excuses. Im boring and i like it.

Started watching You. Its SO confusing. Because he is an absolute freak. But also amazing. I mean, he owns a book store for god sake. And is hot (yes, totally crushing on him since GG days).

Yes, he actaully muses on these things. He is absolute amazing to her at times. But then also a scray, freaky stalker…I mean man, this show had me seriously questioning my sanity when i kind of was crushing on him.

Really good show though, totally worth watching if you are ready to get the hots for a pervy freak?!

W is over all the anger from the leaving him for 3 weeks and decided that sleeping on me was the best way to keep me home. Works little man.

On Saturday me and my kittykat walked in Richmond. And ate sausage. I really do love these walks. New plan is that beside the monhtly bookclub also make sure we get out to Richmond at least once a month. Im all down for that.

Hey there beautiful girl. What would London be without you?

George was off on his leather course (yes, these is a reason for this crotch shot). He made this beautiful belt and had a great time. Good. He needed a break from life and to do some creative stuff again.

And then he got me roses. Just because.

Who needs weird ass stalker guys from You when you have your own perfect, non stalkery, guy ar home?

We struggle at the moment. Not with each other but with life. We are both tired and a little bit scared and there is a lot. But it is what it is and we need to get it out there. Better out than in. None of is particularly good at dealing with the shit if we just let it fester.

And its always easier to feel like you share the hard things. I rather see George stumble at times than feel that is all me. We are a team. An awesome team.

Ha. W going to bed with all his toys last night. Little angel (even if he just visciously destroyed the belly of the cute little rabbit)

W walks this morning. Poor squirrel hiding away from scary Woolly the Squirrel Hunter.

Seeing one of my absolute favourites

I had such a lovely night catching up with Dani last night. Havent seen her since the wedding and not spoken face to face for like two years. Long overdue. She is my hippie, unicorn, warrior princess soul mate. Everything in me that dreams of late night dancing, meeting new people, living in the biggest cities and never growing old i share with Dani. But also everything in me that loves people, that dreams, that want to talk about life late into the night and that laugh her ass off watching Bollywood movies.

And as always we are going through similar things at the moment. So we talked and talked and talked until the restaurant closed around us. And then we talked some more making her cab wait on the street.

Walking home my promise for this year of making more time for my friends felt in my heart like the best one i could ever make. They mean so much to me and seeing Dani reminded me of why some people will always sit in my heart.

I drank a delicious seedlip, applejuice and mint alcoholfree cocktail. Seedlip is non alcoholic spirits and definitely worh it when you want something tasty that isnt juice.

Dani however was all in on her oriental spy with all the booze in there. We ate at Southam Street. The food is absolutely delicious and it was pretty empty so we got all the service. Awesome.

Tonight quiet Friday times at home. Not unhappy about that!