Dad, im going to start off by saying that NO this is NOT a real tattoo and im not planning on getting one soon. So you can stop the panic.

So, with that out of the way we can talk normal things. Its friday, its sunny and im currently eating a apple crumble cake. The best thing about the pre treament times is that the recommendation is to chill and eat. Sweet, i can do that.

Its 5 days until i start the medication and feeling a bit nervous and quite calm at the same time. Im watching New Amsterdam (awesome show) and get all weepy from the emotions. Its like im hibernating. Garden times this weekend. Tossing brunch at white house with Lollo or if im just going for the minimal social times. Am i allowed to be tired before this has even started?

Anyways, my mini fake tattoo. A woolly paw.

It stays on for about 3 weeks so wont be there for bikini times. I am finding it kind of cute though.

Finally got myself a standing desk at work. No one else was going to do it for me so did it for myself. Its awesome. Only £30 and means my back and neck gets a bit of a break from screen time.

And flowers. Always flowers.

Had a long talk with Sanna yesterday about her wedding. Its going to be so much fun. And im dreaming of start planning our but until we know about the baby nothing will happen, cant do everything at the same time.

Have an awesome weekend all of you.

Temporary bad decisions

For all of you dying to know all about my stomach…its feeling better. Now its just like a normal dodgy stomach and not ‘theres like 5 mini aliens living in my stomach’ bad. Progress.

And only a weeks until i start the pills for the treatment. I feel calm. Its been such a long build up so now im just happy its finally happening. The weekend will be quiet and next week im going to the hairdressers, its the bookclub on wednesday and on thursday im taking Katta to her bday gift. A pottery class where we can pretend to be Demi and Patrick (im sure the teacher have never heard that one before…)

Its kind of nice being on the absolute minimum. No drinking, very little socialising and even if work is still 100% i have got the ok from both HR and my manager that they want to support me in this. So when i need the break ill take it. My life is a lot of TV, eating and sleeping. Like George said ‘you are one of the most lazy and least lazy people i know at the same time’. And its true. I can vegetate like no one else but when things need to be done i do them quick snap. And i walk 100k steps a week. I see myself as a soldier, chill when i can.

When i was working from home on Tuesday after the GP i finally decided to do the temporary tattoo George got us. It stays on for about 3 weeks.

W was not impressed. Well, you should be happy little guy since its a paw print for you.

I promise mum and dad, its just temporary. Im not getting a tattoo.

I just cant with all these cherry blossoms. London is truly spectacular in spring. The magnolias and blossoms make west london into a fairytale.

On less happy news, i lost my card and someone had a free for all shopping spree in the W12 mall. Spent £150 on the under £30 tap you dont need a code for.

However, hsbc was amazing and refunded me the entire amount when i called them and told them the card was lost and it was not me spending the money. That is ace customer service. So im deciding to think it was a struggling mum who used my card to feed her family.

Today i get to get shout outs to everyone in my team getting a promotion. Best of days.

Cancelled plans

Went to the doctor today. The stomach has been bad for 2 weeks but apparently i just have to wait it out. Sleep a lot. Drink lots of water. Rest. All the fun stuff. Kind of guessed that was the thing but wanted to check with the ivf coming up. Dont want a parasite eating the egg…

So lifes even more on hold than usual. Cancelled the talk and the bookclub and working from home today. Eating bread and yoghurt (so damn tired of bread) and non fizzy coke (sucks). I also had to tell Sanna that i cant make her hen do. Super sad face. But, we have a life together. And im 100% making the wedding.

Choose your battles. Right now its all about them scrambled eggs going back into my body.

Sunny in London. My hair is soooo light. Going to the hairdressers next week, will see if i can get it a bit darker again. Feels weird.

Natalias bday at work yesterday. Happy bday gorgeous woman.

The balance for better campaign at work. My face is everywhere. Ha, if 20 year old Cissi who choose to study literature to NOT have to deal with numbers or stand in front of crowds would have known…

I read somewhere that you need to dress a certain way to do a career, that kind of, in my eyes, boring lawyer dress and high heel look. No one will take you seriously otherwise. I dont believe that. I wear jeans most days and im ro rocking it.

Tne queue at the GP today. It took us 2.5h to get through. Super exciting. At least i know i just need to wait it out now, not much to do.

Balance for better

Im starting to get a tad nervous now. Its all getting close. In 10 days i start the tablets and then there is no turning back.

Im also a bit worried since my stomach is still pretty upset from Australia. Feel like that cant be good if you are trying to do ivf. Ive given myself today and if its still really bad tomorrow ill go to the doctor.

I was supposed to do a talk on Wednesday but i feel like i might have to cancel. Dont think i should add nervous to an already dodgy stomach. Guess this is just what it is at the moment. Focus on me and my body. I was hoping to work from home tomorrow to give everything a rest but just had a meeting put in with our CFO. Im starting to get that tricky balance between work and personal now.

My month is pretty unbooked though. Im staying strong. Keeping away from alcohol and chilling. Being my best self or some shit like that.

Flower delivery on Saturday. Instant happiness.

Outside everything is blooming too. Spring in London is something magical. Especially cherry blossom and magnolia times.

On Saturday it was Kattas bday party. I dressed up in black and posed next to a pink balloon. As you do.

Came early to help out and caught this little darling being a tad stressed. But nothing two power women cant do.

So much love for so many people in this room. Havent seen Ella in ages. She was glowing and seem so happy. Makes my heart burst. No one deserves it more than her.

Around 10 i had to leave since my stomach gave up on me. Like acute pain. Went home and took this very sad selfie having to leave the party.

On Sunday i stuck with yoghurt and met Katta for a walk in Ravenscourt. I mean, this is why i love London so much. The sun and the weather in March.

Living in a perfect fairytale.

It was t-shirt weather and we went home to me and sat in the garden talking the women fight and drinking tummy tea.

George was delayed back but eventually came home to pretty instantly crash on the sofa with the trusted hound.

This is what love looks like.

Still somewhat jetlagged we woke at 7 this morning and took W for a crispy morning walk.

My sexy lunch at work. Bread and coke. The only thing my stomach can really deal with. And this is still precarious but i have it in me to at least sit straight when living on this stuff.

My view at work. A video of me speaking about diversity and how to balance for better. Even more important to me at the moment since i really need to figure out how to balance for better.

A letter to my sister

My sister writes a fantastic blog. Her words are poetry and truth, laughter and aching sadness. Even my dad calls me and tentatively says ‘she writes really good doesn’t she’ in that ‘I don’t brag about my kids but my god, sometimes my kids kick major ass’ way he has.

And she does. Not just because she is my sister, but because she has a way with words. A story teller. She invites you into her world and you want to stay there. Pause for a bit, see the world trough her funny and curious eyes.

If I didn’t know her I would want to be her friend. Luckily for me she’s my sister!

In her last post she writes about that place deep inside where worry and darkness and sadness lives. The place that makes you unable to truly believe that things will work out no matter sunshine and flowers and love. The place that has coloured both our lives and pulled us to the edges of depression.

We share that place she and I. She is 7 years older than me and we didn’t grow up together. We only got close in my 20s. But still we share that place. Maybe we inherited it. Passed down by generations on gloomy norsemen living in vast forests not seeing the sun for 6 months a year. Or maybe we just happen to be two very similar souls being born as sisters.

Either way she is my person, my family. A sea away and both with a hate for phone calls and general ‘hey how are you’ chit chat she feels close always in the way that only someone who really, truly gets you does.

She is in many ways my guiding light. If I can build the life she has, be the lightness and love she is and care as deeply as she does but still making absolutely everyone around me laugh I’ll look back very happily at my life.

To sisters, to family, to soulmates and to the people in your life that stands like warrior princesses and fight that darkness in the bottom of your soul with everything that they are.

And we are a go

Got my period yesterday (sorry for the details, looking forward to not being absolutely obessesed with my body one day hopefully soon. But until then, you are welcome to knowing all that is going on) and we are now go on the treatment.

Very exciting and ive decided to only think positive thoughts. If i tell myself that often enough it might actually be true.

So, the timeline is a bit touch and go but it looks something like this:

  • D14 of period – start oral supressor tablets (3/4)
  • Take tablets for 10 days (12/4)
  • Wait for period – 2-3 days after
  • Scan on first day of period
  • 10 days of injections
  • Egg collection
  • Embryo making (2-3 days)
  • Embryo implantation
  • Waiting to do a pregnancy test. We will prob know mid May.

So in 6 weeks from now we will hopefully know if it worked or not. I can do 6 weeks…its now 10 months since i first went to the doctor so its been a long wait to get here. 6 weeks is peanuts. Bring 45 days on. Ill eat you up and spit you out.

George is also all in on this. We just got our first ocado delivery and we now have gluten free bread, soy, pizza and pasta. Look at us owning whatever shitstorm life throws at us.

Woke up at 4 this morning (better than 2 the night before) and why not play some Mario Kart? George has bought some new steering wheels to the controllers so all the fun.

Matchy matchy.

Tomorrow its Kattas bday party so tonight ill just chill at home to be ready for some dancing at Kattas. These feet are going to be kicking it all over the place.

Sorry body, ill do better

So my body is NOT happy at the moment. Its still fighting the stomach bug from Byron Bay and the traveling and jetlag is not helping.

My period is also about 20 days delayed (not preggers) which means that the whole treatment is being postponed with almost a month. I was almost stressing until Sanna said something very wise ‘your body obviously wants to rest after stomach bug and before hormone injections so its taking it sweet time’.

And yes, im going to let my body rest. Its clearly not ready yet. Sorry body for pushing you so much, youve had a rough year havent you?

On my way to France yesterday i was admiring my little leather heart that i got from Gina. Always with me.

It was sunny and i was tired.

When i got to the hotel i was upgraded to a massive room just over the rooftops. This is the view from my hotel. I ate a salad and some macaroons before going to bed. Good call since i woke up at 2 with unhappy stomach and not able to go back to sleep.

My massive bed and a bag of goodies. Hello another hotel room dinner.

I say salad, you see quiche… i had both, only ate the salad. And the macaroons of course.

Hello there.

I massively failed on my quest to trying to do fun things every time im in Paris. Well, look at me giving zero fucks. Now im just crossing my fingers to get home tonight, apparently its about 4h delays to get on the train.

And yes, i know that i should do less, not more, during treatment. I did speak to both my manager and HR but hey, still needed to go to Paris. I might have to have another sit down and explain that well, im literally going to be in and out of hospital for a month.

Back home

Back in London after a veeery long flight. Yes, 22h is about as much as you can survive sitting in one of those tiny airplane seats.

But we did it because we are heroes.

And because I’m strong independent woman and all that jazz I went in to work after landing at 5 am. London was all in bloom and I celebrated the fact that I both got my new title (director…so fancy) and a raise as well as being labelled current star in the internal appraisal system.

Not bad for a 37 year old former literary student who just told her boss she is doing ivf.

Then I got to go home and finally hang w my mini man. Here bribing him with kangaroo treats all the way from Aussie.

This morning working from home since I need to go to Paris today for a meeting. Ravenscourt being beautiful in full cherry blossom bloom.

Hey there lil favourite.

George looking sexy under the flowers.

Must admit I’m not dying to go to Paris the day after coming home but work calls. There is also massive delays on the other end so will see how I get on going back tomorrow.

Such a nice feeling coming home realising how much I missed my London flat, little doggo and team at work. I really do love my life here in London.

And it’s a wrap

And they got married. What an absolutely gorgeous wedding for a beautiful couple. Laura looked stunning and Ben nervous and they said their yes to the sound of their friends and family cheering (Aussie weddings is a loud affair). And then food and dancing until the fairytale stroke of midnight.

We weren’t allowed to take any pics during the ceremony so here’s a picture of another lovely couple 🙂

I was totally in love with my dress I bought in NYC last summer. Needs a tan but aced that.

Sorry for the shameless posting but felt beautiful.

One more. My hair before it became an absolute frizz bomb (thanks Aussie humidity…)

The boys having a little sit down before the wedding. Calming Bens wedding jitters.

All the love.

En route with Bens parents. Love that I just got to sneak into the wedding party like this. Being a head taller than everyone else. And wearing a red dress. Hard to notice.

Look at my man though…

More dress. I have unfortunately gotten a stomach bug while here and for the last three days barely slept due to massive stomach ache so glad to be hiding that behind all the red.

George, your never ending poser. Boys looking very smart in their suits though.

Your wedding security.

that’s the stomach bug face. I got through the wedding but then it hit when we came back. Might be the tap water. Happily up to 4 this morning. Feeling fresh…

A very nervous, but excited, groom.

Beautiful views from my seat at the table (including the bride and groom).

Look at this gorgeous creature.

And then wedding shenanigans. The party ended at midnight but the plan is for a boozy lunch today.

Might sit that one out if my stomach doesn’t get better. Can’t fly back to London like this, I nearly cried a little bit last night.

Other than that the end to our holiday here in Byron is lovely. Raining today but we can all need a break from the sun. An excuse to stay in bed and watch movies.

Lazy days on the beach

We are in Byron Bay now. For Ben and Laura’s wedding. In a beautiful house where you can hear the ocean. I’m laying by the pool writing this. Life could be worse.

Working away at my tan. Starting to see some progress. I’m going to shock all those Londoners back home.

Even the Aussies comments on me not being alabaster white any longer. Goals!

On Monday we saw Stevan perform at the soda factory. My new family is definitely cooler than yours.

I was very impressed and a bit star struck. Not sure you are allowed to fan girl on your fiancés little bro?

Chris and Tristan was in town as well. The guys we went to the disco brunch with the day after we got engaged. This is Chris and their friend stef gearing up for Korean bbq.

Then the gig. They partied, we took it easy like sensible people. Or as one of George’s friends bf said ‘i wish I met you when you were both fun’. Well buddy, we aced that shit.

And dinner with the family on the Tuesday before coming here. All the sushi. I don’t need to get pregnant, can give birth to a fish.

Yesterday flew to Byron. Australia is huge. But the flight was easy and we came in to a lovely house just off the beach. Life 10/10.

Went for margaritas with the boys. Dan being best man looked like he would keel over without a drink.

Frankie come for one as well.

Flower power drinks.

This is the beauty that is a raspberry and beetroot frozen margarita. The dream.

After dinner with Bens family we headed down to the beach for a night stroll. God I love this life when it’s warm and the air smells of the ocean.

Today it’s all about the pool. Heading into Byron in 30 min and tonight is the rehearsal dinner.

I’m not unhappy about living here until then.