The longest journey

Now that we heard the heart beat yesterday and im somewhat floating in a happy cloud i thought id actually write down the long, hard and sometimes almost impossible journey that took us here.

It all started a little over a year ago. We were trying and i was tracking my ovulation with one of those apps realising that my period was highly unreliable. Between 26-42 days. Meaning the window for ovulation is like 20 days. That made me realise that even if we’ve been trying actively for 6 months i actually went off the pill almost a year before and we were practicing ‘safe’ sex that well, shouldnt have been safe at all.

Given my age and general propensity for worry i decided to go to the GP and see if he shared in my concern that something wasnt right. He did. So in July we got referred to a specialist.

We started with some general tests. Sperm quality for George and blood test for egg quality, ultra sound to see the placement of the ovaries and a blocked tube test for me. Whilst Georges was a yank, yank jizz kind of thing mine were more distressing.

Worst was the blocked tubes were i was called in to a little room with like 5 other women, told to remove my clothes and put on one of those backless hospital gowns and then sat ass bare on a cold bench waiting to be called. After around 30 min i was taken to a room, still ass bare in the corridors, where i was strapped into a conception and turned upside down for the fluid to run through my tubes. Like the opposite of a fun amusement ride. It was painful and kind of humiliating and so ridicilous i kind of had to laugh when i hobbled back to my clothes, back of the gown flapping and not caring one bit if someone saw my ass.

After weeks of waiting we got told end of August that we might not be able to have kids at all. I had a funny positioned ovary and Georges swimmers were both slow and oddly shaped. They told us George had to live healthily for 3 months and then take another test and maybe, just maybe, we could get another result. With those opposite of happy news we went on holiday. Everyone told us not to worry but how the fuck not?

3 months did NOT fly by. The dragged and lagged and felt painfully slow when UK went into winter. By November we did a new test and finally some good news. There was a chance. Not a massive one but still. With ICSI (an even more precise treatment that IVF where you mix the best sperm with the egg) we could hopefully get pregnant. We got transferred to the ivf clinic at Hammersmith hospital and told that we could start the treatment in the new year after seeing a psychiatrist to discuss the treatment.

Christmas was happy times. There was a chance that we could become parents and we spent it at the country house with family and then having one last party in Dublin for New Years.

Coming back we decided to start after we went to Australia. Not an easy choice since we ‘missed’ a month but the counceller told us it would probably help to have a holiday after all that been going on. In Sydney George found ut he was cealiac and that it was highly likely thats partly why the swimmers had issues. Not easy to find out but at least things felt like they were falling into place. He started eating differently and i went completely off the booze.

Coming home we had to wait for my period to start the treatment. Of course the bastard decided to wait until the very last day and came after 42 days instead of standard 27. But, 21st of March we were a go. I started taking period regulating progesteron to make sure they could control the period. They made me very sick but hey, at this point it was just a matter of getting by. When i got my period the 16th of April i started the first set of injections as well as daily pills. We went for scans every 2-3 days to make sure that the follicles were growing as they should. Injections 2 times a day had me bruised, bloated and feeling like shit. It also gave me diarreah so any socialising was hard going.

Luckily they worked and after 2 weeks of injections we were ready for harvest. 20 follicles produced 15 mature eggs. I was taken to the clinic, put in one of those backless gowns again but this time i had a bed. When i was ready they rolled me in and put me under. I woke up an hour later and was told that they collected the 15 eggs. Feeling extremely dizzy and happy we walked me slowly out of the clinic and into a cab.

The day after the called us to tell us that of the 15 eggs collected 10 was mature and out of the 10 mature 7 had injected succesfully. Then came a 5 day waiting to see if they grew to blastocyst stage and the quality of the embryo. The little eggs grew bravely and on the 5th of May we came in again to transfer one little fighter back into me. And freeze 4 for the future. Reading the odds for all of these things are not great, they tell you like 50% succeed so we were happy to have the four backups. LIfe was all about seeing the positives and thinking good thoughts to fight my horrible nightmares.

Then followed THE LONGEST 10 days of my life. Living like im preggers but not knowing if it worked. Reading every little sign, trying not to but definitely googling everything and more than anything hoping and even praying for it to want to stay with us.

And 10 days later, on the 16th of May we did the home pregnancy test and got a yes. I was in shock. Just didnt know what to feel after all this time. Happy of course but barely believing its true. Still 30% chance of miscarriage and its hard to believe after so much fighting. A week later i did another test. Just because. Its not easy convince a mind that all is well after years of trying.

But, here we are. 7 weeks in and hearing our babys heart beat yesterday. A lot can still go wrong but thank god for modern medicine. That can take a couple dreaming of a kid from less than 1 on 100 chance of getting a kid to hopefully welcoming a little baby in January.

NHS have been amazing. It has cost us nothing and everyone along the way has been supportive. From my GP who listened even if we hadnt tried that long, to all the doctors and nurses along the way to the well wishes and good lucks from everyone and the nurse than squeezed my leg and told me she was so happy for me when i told her it worked.

So here it is, little robot baby jeallybean made in lab but extra loved for it. If anyone reads this thinking about getting help i would say do it. It was hard and painful but worth it. If nothing else just for the feeling that there is a chance.

Strong and steady.

We had our first scan today and it’s a strong and steady heartbeat in there.

So. Fucking. Happy!! This might actually happen. Or, what am I saying. It IS happening. Baby Munstev is due on January 21st.

So now I need to set up a GP appointment and treat this like a normal pregnancy. No more injections!! I mean, that in itself is worth celebrating. I continue all the other medication until week 12 but that’s fine.

I can’t believe it’s happening. I’ve kind of half thought it was a dream until I heard the heat beat today. Our baby’s heart beat.

Here’s the little jellybean chillin in my stomach (yeah, it’s the mini thing to the left, it’s currently like 1cm so not big on this earth.) You stay in there little one.

Super nervous before. George was all cool but I was losing the plot. But here we are. Growing alien in that stomach.

After hearing a heart beat in week 7 it’s only like 5% chance anything will go wrong so I’m rooting for our odds.

Meat fest in Paris

Had a much needed catch up with Tommy last night. Both because i miss him but also just generally miss friends. I have some awesome ones but i have barely seen them for the last couple of months. Totally my fault.

Four hours of all the gossip. A lot to catch up on when you havent seen each other for a while. Hes such a sweetheart. We laughed about the fact that we are happily becoming serious adults that drink less and live like grown ups. Nothing we ever believed when we danced on the tables in Raffles. But even the Peter Pan kids grow up eventually.

Paris was pretty last night as well. Everyone out at the bistros and that buzz that i love about a big city. The perfect night needed in all of these travels.

Had a mocktail waiting for Tom. So sweet. They all are. Stuck to water after that.

Ha, a man and his meat. We ate half a cow. Good for me since my eating is iffy so taking the chance when i can. And boy did i eat it all (yes, the less red bits since clearly you cant enjoy life at all when you are pregnant…)

Mmmmm, meat.

Heading back today and next week is a free pass since im off to Spain. We’ll see how long i can keep this travel every week up, its pretty taxing to be honest. Im a slug, i need my rest and slow pace.

Jellybean

Jellybean is finally big as a jellybean. Going into week 7 and feel mostly fine except for the odd nausea and constant tricky stomach.

I managed to drink my UTI away yesterday, 10 bottles of liquid will do that. But feeling must fresher today and can’t wait to meet Tommy for dinner tonight. Did go out with the team last night as well because nothing can keep me down (ish).

Jellybean also totally looks like an alien. That’s some scary shit right there.

Well, that’s was all I have to update on. It rains in Paris and I’m wearing a white, flowy skirt. Very Parisienne.

To go or not to go

Hey again from Paris. Laying in my hotel bed contemplating if I can fight the nausea and brave a team dinner or if I should give in to the body and just stay at the hotel.

Basically I’m exhausted. I think I might be coming down with a UTI (apparently common in early pregnancy) and I’m feeling really ill today. I’m all fun and games.

But I struggle with not going when I don’t have a valid excuse. So here we are, torn in a hotel bed.

Shit, I’m so sorry. Im beyond boring at the moment. But I want to at least say hi. So this is all you get.

Feeling breezy

Off to Paris tomorrow. Traveling with all my needles and medications. Cool kid. Staying there for 3 days this time. At least Paris is pretty in spring and I’m seeing Tommy for dinner on Tuesday.

And today George is home (even if he’s sleeping so pretty useless) and I’m seeing Kirsten. Feel almost like normal.

I must admit that so far this whole pregnancy thing is pretty breezy. No nausea, no real food aversion, mood swings are manageable, I’m mostly happy to be honest, and generally feeling good. A tiny part of me worries because maybe it means there is no baby but mostly I just enjoy it. I’m sure it will change.

Getting some sun in the garden yesterday. Need to look somewhat fresh for Sanna’s wedding. Plus boobs are huge. That’s one thing that popped straight away.

And eating ice lollies because best thing in the world. Need to remember that I have to drink a lot of water. Not something I normally do but I’m SO thirsty so yeah, clearly body wants it.

Otherwise nothing new. We chill. George work and stay out late. Things back to pretty much normal. At least one of us can go back to having a social life.

Dream life

Friday. Gone are the days when that automatically meant the start of a two day bender, i mean, at the moment i cant even have a cider in the sun. But, who cares. It struck me this morning how happy i am. After a very long time of worrying, living in limbo and the threat that one of my lifes biggest dreams wouldnt happen its like im floating.

Cheesy i know but still. Im just happy. I have a beautiful little family with George and Woolly, a good job that even if its annoying at times pays well and i have the best team. I now i also have a little jellybean growing away. There is nothing i want for. There is a calm in me. And even if im worrying that all wont go well im so filled with light and hope after such a long time of worry.

Ok, inspirational speech aside. Weekend will be slow and calm and nice. I have Woolly all weekend, George is working and on Sunday im seeing Kirsten and her kids. I need to go back into the habit of actually seeing people that isnt George or Katta but no stress. And bank holiday is cut short with Paris on Monday.

Its growing away in the garden. Eat wild strawberries in the morning while i water the plants.

And these tomato plants have a couple of more weeks to go but looking good. Now i just need to make sure it doesnt all die when im away.

Gooseberries.

And these radishes are probably ready to harvest. Weekend salad perhaps.

New dress from Paris. Found a little store close to the office and couldnt stop myself. Feel like a parisienne.

Two minutes in the sun in the garden before picking up W. Hoping the weather will stay nice so that i can hang on my sun lounger and get a wee tan. Nothing else to do.

Woolly and i reunited. He loves when George is not around since he gets me all to himself. He gets half the bed and all of the mummy cuddles. Dream life.

Paris walks

Back from Paris. Luckily for me Lollo was also going back from Paris yesterday so we could share train. Made those 2.5h go a lot quicker and a much needed catch up. Have barely seen anyone for the last 3 months so love any friend meet up i can get.

Im actually feeling really good at the moment (knock on wood). Tired but otherwise much better than during the treatment. I feel like im coming back to myself and have the time and energy for my friends, work and for myself. I actually have energy to care about my friends again. And to see them. Cant explain how good that feels. Use me people before i blow up like a balloon. I even cleared the house today. Look at me being a normal person.

So far not too bad nausea. I even got worried i had dreamt everything and did another pregnancy test today. Jellybean is still in there. And in a week we have our first scan. Cant wait.

Decided to take a walk to a park during lunch yesterday.

Problem is that there is no parks in Paris, its all cemetrys. So i ended up walking around a, very pretty, but still a little bit creepy graveyard for an hour.

Took photos because beautiful.

Nice to get out and leave the office. Its tricky when im in Paris because i cant understand anyone around me and i always just feel like a guest. But since ill be there every week i need to claim some of the city for my own.

While waiting for Lollo at the station has an ok burger but a heavenly milkshake. And dont worry, i do eat healthy stuff as well. Had lentils and avocado and shit for lunch.

Woolly meeting Jellybean. If he only knew how is life will change. But so far just loving the extra softness of mummys tummy.

George is working late all week so ill be fixing in the garden and hanging around in the flat. Nesting.

An adenturer at heart

Hello from Paris. That without me really knowing how has become my second home. I bonjour and merci all around at the moment and i trick the people at franprix that im french. (nowhere else though, my french is limited to basically those two words).

So, i guess im a girl from Sweden, living in London with my Australian fiance commuting to Paris on a weekly basis. Ha, life turns out weird sometimes. All because i have a habit of saying yes to adventures.

Checking out the view from my balcony. Good thing is that because i keep coming back to the same hotel they treat me better and better. Ill be a VIP before you know it. And soon ill get my carte blance for the Eurostar. Thank god.

Balcony dinner. None of the fancy cheeses but who cares when you have a view and baguette.

And then straight to bed because you just cant stop this wild cat.

Heh, preggers brekkie. Egg and potato and pancake. All in one delicious mix. Feeling fiiine and the moment so taking the chance of eating as much as i can. I have lost 1kg in the last couple of weeks. Thats not a problem but time to start gaining. Its a hard life, i know.

Heres Jellybean. It (yeah, totally an it, looks 100% alien) has a heart beat. Thats what we are checking next week. If it sounds ok the chance of anything going wrong is down to like 5%. So fight little bean.

Big as a smartie. Making me hungry. But thats like an actual size. I could hold it in my hand and it see it. That shit is crazy.

I know all of this is so early and most people dont talk about it yet but hey, ive been sharing this journey so here goes every bit of it. The hopes and dreams and potential heartache. But i hope. I have a good feeling. I think jellybean loves candy as much as its mum and wants to stay. And if not, well, then we deal with that like with everything else.

Food for thought

W6 jellybean is waving hi with his/her lil arm nubs. Hey there little alien invading my body.

I’m on the train to Paris. No problem going on the Eurostar with a bag full of needles. Good to know. Wonder what the hotel staff will think though when they find my discarded needles? Bad to the bone.

My excitement about Paris is like always…lukewarm at best. But, Lollo is here as well so don’t have to be lonely lennart tonight but have a friend to eat with. Miracles do happen.

Last night George and be went to the theatre.

I looked like I was 4 months pregnant. Hah. Blame the bloat from all the medications.

Play was brilliant. Called Admissions and deals with the white middle class pc ways and want for diversity as long as they don’t have to sacrifice anything.

Very interesting and sometimes a bit close to home. It’s easy to be accepting and and wanting everyone to have the same rights when it doesn’t affect you negatively in anyway. White people, especially men, still rule the world.

One thing that I thought was extra interesting is when the son blamed his mum for always hating on white men when in fact he is one himself and how that made him feel growing up. Food for thought for an avid feminist like me.