I feel carefully optimistic. I dont dare to believe it all the way, it still feels way to precarious, but i dare to hope. I didnt do that 5 months ago.

Im sure i will look back at all of this and it will all fade. The heartache, the worry, the pain, what it did to George and me at times. That feeling of hopelesness when appointment after appointment give you bad news. Living in a limbo of your worst nightmares.

It has already started to fade. Hope does that to you. We humans forget pain. Thankfully. But, its still so early and a lot of things can still go wrong. Its only 30% chance that this actually works this time. And i know that the pain would come back, full blast, if we loose this little embryo. Because that is the nature of pain. It hits you even worse with the memory of past pain.

So i try to not read every little twinge in my body. I try to hope in a controlled way. Not too much you know. So that the pain if it doesnt work is manageable. The maybe baby is still a maybe.

But still. This is our fridge. One little happy chick embryo and 4 frozen ones. They are there to remind me that there is hope.

Going to Paris today. Cant say im particularly happy about that (when am i ever) but at least it makes the time go. Patience my friends. The one thing ive never had.

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