Can almost see the finish line

My life has had such a focus shift this last year. From friends and drinks and George and work to this internal journey of growing a baby. This extreme focus on self through the ivf and then the pregnancy. Constantly being in tune with your body and unable to stop yourself from feeling tired or hungry or cranky or whatever else the body goes through right at that moment.

Sometimes i feel lost. The person i know would set herself aside for friends or fun or partner. And liked it. I had grown to like me. Calmer and with less hard edges than when i was 20. Better at saying no but also at just being there for my friends. Better at relationships and showing love. Better at choosing the things that matter.

And now i feel like i need to rediscover me. Who am i as a mum? I have less time and energy for friends and even for George. But im sweeter to Woolly and to my belly. Im calm. Not too stressed out about everything and even the lack of sleep is manageable.

There are worries in me about returning to the shut down, sometimes callous or even cruel me of my youth. The one that hid hurt with a joke. I dont want to be that mum. Or that partner. I want a hug to be the answer to someones sadness. And i want kindness to be the answer to my own sadness.

Anyway, enough with the rambling. Right now its all about the last 5 weeks of brewing this lil baby. We are getting there people.

On Friday we met up with our favourite danes. Absolutely adore these guys and not sad they live in Spain. Hello maternity leave…

Dressed up my boys because thats what i do. George had gotten a christmas beard kit in the advent calendar and him and W shared brotherly.

On Saturday the mission was to get the bed ready.

And we made it! Yes, its all grey but i happen to like grey. At least the sleeping bag is orange so he wont look like a little grey mouse in there.

It fits perfectly in our room and its crazy that everything is kind of in place now.

Well, its getting hawt in here.Both me and Lukas are suffering from the cramped living situation. The heartburn is real and even if lungs are better now that belly has dropped he is instead headbutting my pelvis like some kind of wrestling pro.

Got my gorgeous flower delivery. Man these makes me happy. Best £18 every second week in my life right now.

On Sunday the mission was baking saffron buns. I set off with our swede recipe but had no kesella so had to wing it.

But, i made it. Look at these yellow goodness buns right there! In my family we always make them as buns with extra sugar on top. Makes them a little sweeter and easier to make.

Christmas is now sorted. This will be all im eating.

At our NCT class they said we should eat less white flour to prepare the body for birth. Fuck that. There are sacrifices and then there is torture. That is just pure torture my friends.

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