If you see me you will see the smile in the corner of my eye

Another cold morning. Guess I dont have to tell any one of you that. Wearing my big jacket that Ol adopted from NY. 3 days left, that what gets me out of bed in the morning. That and the fact that you have to.

Talked a lot about depressions and it’s implications over the last couple of days. So many suffers from it. Guess it’s the times, the age and the fact that people are more and more likely to analyze themselves. Can’t say if it’s good or bad, I know i needed it since I couldnt handle myself but at the same time I wish I just didnt have that much time to think. Without endless thinking about the past and the possibilities of the future it isn’t much to be depressed about.

Medicines helped me. I think that if you are at the point were you’ve tried it all and nothing seems to help they could give you the strength to rise above the thoughts in your mind and manage them. Can’t say if that’s true for everyone though.

Hope the sun peeks through soon, that usually helps. It’s hard to be unhappy with the sun on your face.

 Last years Midsummer at Djursvik. Photo by Oliver Holms

Behind the mask

My Prozac is soon running out. I was thinking that I wasnt going to get another dose. Got a bit cocky and thought ‘I’m fine now, I dont need that to be happy’. I forgot to take them for a couple of days, I think a part of me wanted to try being without them even if the doctor said that the norm is that you need them from 8 – 12 months after severe depression.

‘Surely not me, I’m better than that right?’

I was fine for the first couple of days, didnt notice anything. Then it all started to get hard again, I got pissed off at the supermarket for having to carry heavy bags, started thinking that maybe I should move home and everything will be better, looked at myself in the mirror and thought that maybe I’ll be happier if I work out more, lose some weight, hide behind looks.

My thoughts got unmanageable. Not even close to where they were a year ago but still hard enough that I cant really function. So I started taking them again and I became calm.

It’s really hard for me to admit I need something to function, that i actually cant do it on my own. As it stands at the moment I do and I will listen to the doctor and my body and do what is best even if it makes me so angry at myself for ending up here. I guess that I will need them until the day I can truly forgive myself.