That first morning

I was tired. I had woken early with my heart beating hard. Everything was wrong, I shouldn’t be sleeping on this sofa, fully dressed, in someone else’s house. A hard morning sun glared through the window and I saw you sleeping on the sofa, dark eyelashes on pale skin.

I got up, hid away on the stairs in the cold morning sun. I knew I was out deep here. We’ve had a good night, a laughing, dancing, blooming attraction one but then all went wrong when we came to the house and I made you sleep on the sofa when refusing to follow you home. I feel asleep in the corner with my arms wrapped around me.

I didn’t know what i was doing. Wanted to be somewhere else but didn’t want to leave before you woke up. Listened to sad music and wondered how I would make this alright. After hours alone with my thoughts you wake up and came out to me on the stairs. I didn’t really dare to meet your eyes, didn’t want to fail in making it natural and ok.

You talked, laughed and commented on me alone in the sun and the cold. You crept in under the blanket and shared it we me and it was what it should be. Me, who have a hard time being close to people I don’t know, felt at home in your closeness and I knew that between you and me it would always be like this, always feel like home.

To my friends (the longest post ever)

I’m warning you, this post will be long. There is so much I want to say on this subject that it will have to be as long as it have to be. No short cuts or snappy comments. Some things need their space because they are important, sometimes life sustaining.

So, if you dont have a couple of minutes over stop reading now.

Still here? Well then, I will tell you about my friends. The ones that keep me (somewhat) sane and for whatever reason thinks I’m worth all the love in the world. A girl cant say no to that.

There is ‘the girls’. Most girls have a group called ‘the girls’, I am no exception. Mine is my trusted warriors from Lund (and Maggie). Sanna, Filippa, Sussie, Bella and Maggie. We have lived SATC life in NYC, done the Inca trail, danced in the streets of Havanna and on the bar in T-bar, we have had tuesday dinners and talked about everything, we have supported each other through everything.

Sanna is the eternal dreamer of a better life. Whether it’s a farm with cows or high heels in Paris doesnt matter as long as you can dream away. Since we met in Chamonix 13 years ago she have been by my side through ups and downs, through ghost stories and long walks around Djurg√•rden and through dinners of ‘clean the fridge’ pasta. I know she’ll be there for another set of stories and always help me dream of the best life there is.

Filippa – the only one of my friends that can make me as pissed off as only a sister can. Love can do that to you. She is strong willed and always have an opinion as well as the most loyal person I know. The same way she will challenge you if she thinks you are wrong she will also challenge any one having a bad word to say about you. My crazy party friend that will turn any night into laughter and that will also open her home without a question if you need her.

Sussie is the groups smallest but biggest person. Being near her is feeling home. It’s knowing that whatever blows outside the window she will always take your hand and listen. Really listen to what you have to say and try to understand you whatever you are thinking. She goes her own way but turns around and give you a smile whenever you call her name. She loves to laugh and you cant help laughing with her.

Bella, my little Bella. We became friends the last year in Lund and I understood that here was someone to keep. No matter what its someone to keep fighting for, you want a place in her heart because she makes you feel special. Fiery temperament and a never stopping mind makes every conversation interesting and her concern for you makes you feel that there is someone out there that cares. Always. She will listen to you, she will come to you when you need her and she will look into your eyes and see you.

Maggie – we shared the heartache of the one of the hardest times of your life. Looked in the mirror and asked ourselves why but knew in our hearts its because we were forming memories and a never ending friendship. Maggie always want so much, she wants to do everything and the same goes for her friends, she will run around the world with you because if she loves you she wants you by her side always.

My girls makes Sthlm a hard place to leave but a wonderful place to come back too.

Talking about Sthlm I cant forget my Julia. The blond, over achieving, always talking, singing, dancing wonderful little Julia. So much has happened to her and all of that she turns into something good, something to make her even cooler and better. I love her for that, for making me feel like I want to be an even better person and for being a better person in her eyes. And for dressing up as a cheerleader vampire and dance with me for hours.

The last of my friends I need to mention (that doesnt mean that the rest of you dont mean the world to me) is Chrisse and little Malte. My two friends who fell in love and became my best couple. Chrisse who will take care of my mind by educating me in fantasy and like a true Gandalf help me in my path of life as well as making sure I could drink endless amounts if liquorice shots when my heart needed it and Alexandra who knows how it feels when the world is too much for you and who always remembers you when you need it. They make me feel that I have somewhere to go whenever I need it.

What about London? My home. Yes, I have managed to find people here that makes my life the best. Except for my boyfriend there are some extraordinary people.

Kix – crazy, wild, party child kix and caring, motherly, loving Kix makes up the perfect combination that I love so much. She took my hand when I needed it and helped me do the things i needed to do. Believing in me and making me feel in my heart I could do it because she felt it. Gathering her family around her and letting me be a part of it. With Robin by her side that makes everyone around him feel that he is there no matter what, Tompa, the sweetest man there ever was with a love for tipp dancing and chai tea, Lisen, living out the dreams you forgot you had and ziggy, kissing my face when it’s the only thing I need.

Ben, my frog. Anyone who’s ever sat up at 5 in the morning listening to the frog song och realizing this is the stuff friends are made off know what i talk about. That somewhere in this big city is someone who can always, no matter what, make you feel better.

Elin and Tom. The sweetest couple there is. The friends that live in my heart even if I dont see them. The two people who held me when i cried and whispered that everything would be ok. Elin, who sent me little gifts to showed me that I was loved and who made me a home I could relax in when life was too hard out there. Tom – my window smoker friend who danced with me liked there was no tomorrow and always made me feel that the world is good.

Dani, welcomed me to London, took me under her wings, invited me into her life and showed me that even if you come from different countries you can soul mates in the true sense of the world. Every time i see her I think that we are meant the be friends, it’s part of who i am supposed to be. This beautiful girl with the love for vodka and late night partying as well as long talks in the ski slopes before throwing her self out in the snow with joy is part of me.

Lat but not least, the man across the seas. Laxen. A colleague who became a friend. The guy who loves a party more than anything but also will see when you are sad and offer to watch girly movies with you all weekend if that makes you happy. The one you’ll dance the night away with in Paris chasing the decadence and that will also take you out for lunch on your birthday and make you feel like a princess. Shame he is living in Aussie – a win for them but a loss for me.

With all of these people in my life I am blessed and then I havent even mentioned my family. People that are so close that I can barely think about them without tearing up because they are not where I am.

(Told you it would be long, how can it not when Im talking about the most important thing in life)