Mindfulness

I was going to post these pictures of some stuff I got from work yesterday but they were so ugly so you know what, I wont. Instead i have some thoughts on mindfulness as a help against depression.

The new craze is mindfulness. Its basically meditation were you let go of your thoughts and empty your mind and its said to help you distance yourself from negative thoughts and realise that you are not your thoughts. Sounds pretty good huh.

My only problem with mindfulness as a help against depression or other mental problems is that you tend to not be very kind to yourself. While depressed you just dont care. To get the energy to even think about sitting not thinking is too much, you are either in a acute negative thought spiral or staring into the wall feeling grey. Its hard to encourage yourself to do good. And when manic you can start those kind of projects but when out of that state it doesnt last.

Im sure mindfulness is a massive help when you are already starting to feel better and you need that thing to keep you on the right track but in my experience its not the best when you are at the bottom.

So, that was my 2 pence worth of psychology today. Now on to something more fun. A picture of Ol looking like a little old lady.

Sweden and all those thoughts in my brain

Only 3 more days to Sweden. I have a jam packed weekend when I first arrive in Sweden. AW, drinks, boozy brunches and catch up with everyone I can fit in. Then straight down to the country house for a week of nothing. Cant imagine a better set up (well, snow, but ive given up on that)

Oliver and me have been speaking about me going back to Sthlm for a while. Not sure yet if that is the right thing to do but I have known for a while that something has to change. Since this is the thing I keep coming back to it might be somewhere to start. At the same time I just want to stay here with my little family and our flat i love so much.

Im confused to say the least. I have no idea what would make my life itch less but I need to start somewhere. That famous sentiment of ‘its only you who can change your life’. Well, I guess its true. I have no idea if Sthlm will change anything but if not at least i can rule it out.

My time is spent thinking and trying to figure this out. Im scared that im taking decisions based on my instability and that no matter what i wont be able to be happy since its in my brain but im even more scared of not trying to change and never know. Im also scared that im chasing something that isnt viable, that the ‘contentment’ im looking for is an illusion but I cling to my therapist’s words that ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ and it makes me hope that there is a way for me to feel better.

More than anything I feel stupid. Stupid for failing on something so basic as living and being ok. I have a great life and there is no reason for me not to be happy and still I just cant. Im so frustrated with myself and that makes it worse.

My promise to myself in 2015 is to try. Try and stop being angry at myself, try things to make me feel better, try to stop finding the ‘right answer’, try to be as true to myself as i can (even if I have absolutely no idea was that is since im thrown between what i want most of the time) and try to feel good about myself for trying.

The last session

Guess what!? You are going to get some more home pictures. Woop woop. Oliver left for the states last night so it was crazy packing and this morning it was just Woolla and me. Very lonely. And sleepy. W was almost unwakeable this morning.

Now he is sent off for the day and im heading to my last therapy session tonight. Crazy. Ive been going for 5 months now and its been very helpful. Writing a letter to M today on how this have felt and its happy and sad at the same time. Happy because how much i have learned and sad because its kind of scary out there on my own and ill miss my Wednesday sessions.

Made my packing ninja some food last night. The beautiful marriage that is sausage and fennel pasta.

I also bought a Christmas rose. I took the biggest one i could find. It was pretty big. W was sniffing it and deciding whether or not to munch away.

He decided against it (good for him) and decided to hope for sausage while giving us baleful eyes from the sofa. Little monster dog.

Stolen Dance

I talked a lot to M yesterday about my need for a fantasy world. How I am constantly dreaming of or trying to flee off to that world that is a little bit better than the real world.

I love fantasy books, Ive always been fascinated by fairytales, my partying have always been with the idea that ‘anything can happen’ – hoping for late night unexpected parties with new friends , I love masquerades and Christmas is my favourite time a year since its all a made up, prettified version of my life.

The problem with this is that the real world doesnt cut it. After a party, a dip into that fantasy world, there is always a come down when I have to try and re adjust to my life again. After Burning Man, the ultimate fantasy, it was really hard for me to come back. But if I dont look for those experiences my life feel flat. I need them to feel alive, to feel like it all has meaning.

This knife edge balance make it easy for me to end up at war with myself. I want to chase the happiness the dream gives me but I also want to be happy with what i have. I want to be both those parts of me and for them to live in harmony but that’s where its easy to go wrong.

A big part of my issues lies in a constant inner fight between different wants and because they weigh equally I cant take decision, there is no right and wrong. I think parts of it is because these equally strong 2 parts of me – the one that wants to live in that dream and the one that tries to appreciate the real world. Before I can get them to work together it will be hard for me to find that balance im so desperately looking for.

I like me today

Im feeling pretty good at the moment. You know those internal batteries, they are charging. Added some more strands to the chart that is my tangled mind with M yesterday. It looks like spaghetti. Kind of make sense why im like and unstable kid on a sugar high most of the time bouncing between 100 feelings in the same day when i look at it.

When I told M i have a hard time making people follow my emotions, or just understand them myself, since they change so quickly she looked to the diagram and pointed out that with spaghetti like that it would happen. So, if I can unravel that mess and make it into nice and tidy spaghetti maybe everything will be easier.

Easy peasy.

It is helping though and just being able to see it in front of you help me make sense of what is going on. When all the triggers sits so closely together no wonder that walking home whistling to myself thinking of how Ill give Oliver a hug so easily change into anger when I stumble over one of those triggers.

At least now I can almost pick the thread out and see how what i feel like criticism for something brings up the emotions of hurt – anger – attack – guilt – withdrawal (yes, this is proper psychology talk). They say that insight of the issue is the first step.

Its been very helpful doing the therapy and even if I at times have felt like I want to give up I can see how it helps to get it all spelled out, at least for a mind like mine that is always looking for the rational explanation, the answer, the solution.

I need to know that what im doing is the right thing and this helps me getting a feeling for what is actually happening helping me find the ‘right’ thing even if that might be to give up and stop looking for answers, to stop looking for the ‘right’ thing.

Stripping my heart bare

In therapy ive been told to show my innermost thoughts. Since i have a hard time talking about it and tend to smooth everything over with smiles and very rational explanations ive been asked to read from my written words. That’s were the darkness lies. The stuff that fills my nightmares.

This makes my heart pound, sweat to break out and brings out that feeling in the pit of my stomach that is the opposite of butterflies. Like crawling maggots maybe. So, I have to do it. Like in school when I was asked to be Lucia and was so cared to stand in front of people and Dad said ‘that is why you have to do it.’

This is why I have to do it:

‘Acceptance. Such a big word. Accept yourself and all that you are. How do you do that when you can see how who you are hurt people around you. How can you do that when the people that see you see a lie, a mask, a face you put on. When people that have known you for years have no idea that behind their backs you try and find ways to hurt yourself to make up for all the shit you bring in. Accept that you see the hurt in your boyfriends eyes when you pull away again, accept how tired you are of hearing your own voice talking about not feeling good, accept the worry in your parents voices and not being able to really care, accept no energy to do anything else than feel bad, accept that angry voice in your head that screams at everyone, accept not being you any longer or worse, accept that this is you. That this person you frankly don’t like, is you. 

I would say its pretty fucking hard and im not even close to being there’

‘I know what Im feeling are things that people go through but im wondering if its supposed to feel exactly this hopeless? And the anger. Whenever everything turns bad I get so angry at everyone. I don’t want to make them happy any longer and I punish people around me. Mostly Oliver. Im thinking I should go home and give him love and instead i get so angry and I curl up in the sofa and don’t want him near me. The sadness and anger are always close by and I walk around like a ticking bomb.’ 

‘Im trying really, really hard to be happy. I think it will always be hard  but Im thinking that the best thing is to just try and get through the ones that are bad and then the good ones will hopefully make it all feel worth it.’

‘I hate it. Today i hate these thoughts of mine. Sometimes I can see them and accept them. See the good things they have brought me like understanding and depth. Today i just hate them. I wish i could cleave them out of my skull and never ever have to see them again. If only it was triggered by something but no, they are part of me. So how am I supposed to be able to like me if I cant stand such a massive part of me?’

Images from http://lisarislow.tumblr.com/

Ziggzagging toward the light

I am having some proper post playa blues at the moment (yes, that is apparently a thing) and im trying to figure out what I should do with my life. I mean, really do with my life.

Im not meant to sit in an office, at least not an office working with something i don’t feel any passion for. I think about writing a book, or maybe at least a children’s book, or try to find my way into publishing. Im hoping to find a way to feel like a care about what i do again. The things about BM is that you were surrounded by people who expressed themselves through what they did and it made me yearn to be able to do that too.

Then there is everything else. How are you supposed to know what you need? Gut feeling? What if you cant trust your gut. Im being pulled in two directions at every turn in life where my soul seem to want to split and go opposite ways. Unfortunately, unless I’m a superhero, that cant be done. So i shut down, push away and try to ride it out. Not think and just get to the end point.

That’s when the mini volcano eruptions happen. ‘I need to move back NOW’ BAM ‘I hate my job’ BAM ‘How can it be you need to walk your dog EVERY f**ing day’ BAM ‘I cant do my life any longer’ BAM

Not a way for solutions. So then i talk and talk and talk until I made everybody around me as messed up to what i want as I am. Welcome to my world. This is where we jump between wants like a cricket on speed. 

At the end of the day im so tired i just shut down again and nothing happens. I wrote this quote down at 15. It still holds

“I wished there was some kind of switch on my brain. That I could turn it off in the same way that I could turn off the television. Just click it off and immediately empty my mind of all these images and worrying thoughts. And simply leave a blank screen. Or if I could just remove my head and put it on the bedside table and forget about it until morning. And then attach it again when I needed it.”*

‘Patience my young padawan’ I hear that well hidden part of me, believing that it will be alright, say and I brace myself to get through it.

And yeah, sorry for everything ill probably go through in the coming weeks. We are in for a bumpy ride my friends. Buckle up and hold on or by all means, get off for a bit. You are more than allowed to.

*Marian Keyes The Watermelon

Life and all that sh*t that comes with it

A bit of a fail of a night yesterday. Had a tricky session with my therapist were she made me think about a lot of things and challenge me which was hard big time. Most of the time i come out of the sessions feeling lighter but this time it gave me a feeling of unfinished business and things i need to take care of which I find very tricky. I hate when things are left hanging, i want to deal with them now or not at all but sometimes that cant be done.

Adding to that is the stress of hosting the crayfish party. I love hosting and im 100% sure we will have an amazing time but a couple of days before any party im throwing im stressed. As in ‘think everything will go wrong/people have a bad time/head going aaaaargh’ stressed.

This made me lay on the sofa, stare into nothing and refusing to talk to Oliver. Not helpful. Cant promise I wont stress tonight but im hoping to have time to go out for a dinner and have some time to ourselves.

This little guy aint very stressed. Since getting Wool I dream of being a dog at least 2 times a day.

Dancing on air and sun

I was so happy yesterday. You know that feeling when you get filled up with the awesomeness of living. Everything feels bright and you just want to smile you biggest smile to the world. I had that. It was a long time ago I could be in the moment like that and just be overtaken by happiness.

I walked to my therapist in my princess skirt and spent the whole session talking about how it feels like im finding my way back to my core. Thats been one of the things ive found the hardest, somewhere along the way I fought so hard to be happy and the best version of me that I forgot what I actually wanted and what really makes me happy. When you force yourself to be and feel something you lose the ability to just be. Thats what im looking for, my inner dog who knows exactly what i want at any given moment and pursue it (minus the ass licking and food stealing)

After my session I met up with Dani to plan BM. How I have missed Dani. There is an energy to her that always makes me want to take on the world. With her I think i can do anything, be anyone. We planned life. But not in a ‘2 babies, career, money’ kind of way but in the ‘we are just hippies at heart and as long as we can keep meeting amazing people and be the people we are we will be happy’ kind of way. The best way if you ask me.

Then we drank free watermelon cocktails at Eclipse and decided that Burning Man might have to happen every year minus mini baby years.

This morning Ol got to dress me. He made me look like a 90’s child. His excuse was that ‘You have been out drinking for 2 nights in a row, better look the part’. I am, no one can take me seriously in this outfit. Good thing im presenting a strategy today.

Sun! This have been the best summer in I dont know how long. The sun keeps on making me feel amazing and now I only need holiday and life will be pretty damn perfect.

Today’s power song MIKA – Heroes

All i want

Its my Dad’s birthday today. I wish i was there to come down for a dinner with a bouquet full of Forget me not’s. They will always make me think about my Dad’s birthday’s since as I kid me and my brother would go out into the garden and pick them to put around Dad’s breakfast plate. In my memory the grass is wet with dew and I have to lean over really far to reach the flowers nestled in among the nettles.

In my therapy yesterday we were back to talking about me missing Sweden and my need for security. I’m lacking some of the security nets here that are the most important to me, family and a friends. I might not be able to do anything about my family but i can make sure to strengthen the friendships I have here and let them in a bit more. Unless I reach out they will never be as close as I need them to be.

At the moment only Kix is that close to me and our friendship cant carry that on its own. So ive decided to build that around me again. I had a scare as friends goes when everything fell to piece’s during my first year here and I’ve shied away from building it again.

I talked a bit to Tommy yesterday. My drinking and party friend. And as always when you let people in they show you another side of themselves too. Ive known him for 4 years, we’ve spent weekends together and this was the first time I told him how depressed i was for 2 years of our friendship. He looked at me and said ‘but, ive always seen you as the so, so very happy one.’

He went on to tell me about things he worry about and all of a sudden i had that feeling, with a cider in my hand in a loud pub, of safety. That my friends will catch me if I fall.

If I try to let my friends here in London in I will be able to build that safety net here as well and maybe i feel a little less alone when I feel like im suffocating Oliver with all my problems and try and spare him my sadness. Maybe I can go out and meet my friends for a drink and a chat about the things that burn and i can go home to my boyfriend and not let him carry all of it.