We walk through the rain, its pouring down and im in high heels and a fancy dress. You ask me if I want your coat to cover my hair.
‘If I’m going to get wet, I might as well get properly wet’ you say and I shake my head at you. My hair will be fine, its only rain.
You take my hand and pull me into an off licence.
‘We are going to want coke tomorrow’ you say when I ask why and it makes me smile. Because it’s true and you are sweet to think about it. And handsome in your suit.
We get a coke for you and a diet coke for me and you talk to the guy who owns the store and he asks you about the other night and you launch into some story and I sway a bit next to you because I’m really tired. You see how tired I am and orders us an uber even if we are only a couple of blocks away.
In the cab you take my hand and when we are at yours we run together through the rain. You laugh. I think you find a way to laugh at everything.
In your flat its chaos as usual. Your 19 year old flat mate has a mouse in his room so him and his girlfriend sleeps on your sofa. I change into your big t-shirt, shivering from the wet and the cold, and hide under your duvet. I laugh to myself at us sharing a room with a teenage couple and, not for the first time, wonders at the crazy it is hanging out with you.
I wake up so many times during the night, most of them panicking with that urge to flee. I know it well. It always hits when I meet someone. And it hasn’t gotten easier after the latest heart ache. How can I be with anyone? And how can I be with someone as crazy as you? I lay there in the middle of the night with you sleeping beside me and wish to be somewhere else. Somewhere safe. Alone.
At one point I wake up at the others laughing at us because we sleep on our backs next to each other’s. Like vampires. But all the other times I’m in your arms and you are squeezing me so tight. Except for when you get to be little spoon. You mumble in your sleep. ‘You are amazing, you know that right?’ and I hold you because I know you like being little spoon sometimes.
In the morning I’m tired after my restless night. I don’t know what to think about us. I like you but you also scare me with your intensity. But mostly im just scared of liking someone. My stomach grumbles and I realise I’m starving. You kiss me, get out of bed, tell me to stay put and 30 min later you show up with breakfast. And a jar of pickled cucumber because you know I love it.
And we stay in bed all day. Watching movies and talking. And the urge to run the other way from you recedes further and further away. When I leave you I only feel the need to see you as soon as possible again.