So, so tired

So, today is yet again a pretty tricky day. For a whole set of new reasons. Because life just cant give you a break.

I was told yesterday that im getting a new boss at work. That in itself shouldnt be that much of an issue but he is sitting in Paris and knowing how they’ve been trying to move me before and i have a feeling this wont be good news for me. Worst case my role move and i need to find a new job but hopefully i can stay even if i will be even further from making any kind of decisions in this company.

Im just hoping to keep the team here and due to everything with baby making hoping to not have to start a new role because obvious reasons.

More than anything i just feel tired. Knowing that whatever happens it will be a lot of uncertainty and most likely tricky months ahead either way. And, the months ahead are most likely going to be hard on me as they are without this added stress.

So yeah, today is not a good day. I will get through it, i know i will but i must admit im feeling very scared of the prospect of both fighting work (which i know is a nightmare when its tough) and potentially the mess of ivf.

It was very pretty out this morning. I took Woolly for a long, frosty walk after a somewhat restless night of sleep.

He was happy the little monster and it helps me spending time with him since it puts everything in perspective. In the end of day ill make sure he gets fed and is happy and everything else is kind of second to my little family.

It looked like a painting outside. All the colours of autumn. I was mentally preparing myself for telling the team. I honestly think they’ll be fine but its hard to be positive when you are stressing on your own behalf.

But im a master pretender.

London is dressing up for Halloween. Love this house where death is just casually chilling in a hammock. George and me are staying home tonight to watch Beetlejuice. Love that movie and its the perfect Halloween one.

Sorry for the negativity. I will be a happier one tomorrow. The good thing about bad days is that they always get better.

Spooky season

London is filled with Halloween decorated houses. Spider webs and pumpkins everywhere. I love it. We are watching the new version of Sabrina and getting properly into spooky season.

We are still mostly waiting. For tests and results and all that jazz. And for Christmas. But thats mostly me. And to be honest, im really enjoying the lead up. I actually like that it gets darker and colder. And in a couple of weeks my parents are here and then my sis. Just booked a theatre for George, the parents are me. We are to see a version of Don Quixote by Royal shakespeare company. Looks fun.

Yesterday it was freezing and i used my hat from Bulgaria. Made me look like some kind of italian ski bunny. And my eyes are like blue! Leather jacket and fur hat from Bulgaria. Loving it. Next time ill go ill look for a 70s sheepskin jacket.

After a busy day at work it as time to cook dinner for us. I made a shrimp stir fry and decided to add some of Lilys delicious kimchi. Perfect little extra spice to the dish.

Sending George some kisses since he was off picking up Woolly.

While cooking. I love the ready to eat noodles that you can just throw into the pan and pretty much go. Makes cooking under my 30 min max for weekdays.

Dead doggo. Love our living room with all the candles and fairylights and plants and well, pretty messy but very us. Ill just never be one of those white perfect room kind of people. I love colour and life and messiness.

Woollys favourite season. He can be wrapped up in blankets next to me every night. A doggos dream.

Have some fun plans this week. Hiding from the trick or treaters tomorrow, bookclub thursday, drinks with Tom and Jack on Friday and then Margate to visit Amelia on Saturday to Sunday. All at that perfect effort level.

Halloween 2018

Halloween! Best party of the year. I get to whip out all my dress up gear and go to town. This is when im in my element.

This year i had decided to be a skeleton. I had the onesie and my light up shoes from George. All set. Just needed to get the make up down. And, im not exactly a make up wizz given that i normally use blush and concealer. Thats all.

But, youtube is a girls best friend so i gave myself a good 2h and set to work.

Make up in process. There was a couple of mistakes and a lot of swearing but a was committed. I can be very stubborn when i want to.

The final work. Decided to go for the half face to match my flowery onesie.

Must say i was pertty impressed with my own makeup game. Just me, a lot of patience and youtube.

I did love the half skull face thing. Mostly because it was easier to do 🙂 but also because it really shows the skull part off.

My onesie. Perfect for dancing but shit for going to the bathroom.

George was dressed as the crow.

Ben was amazing. He was dressed as the Thing and had ended up with pretty much his entire breakfast bowl on his face. Meaning he couldnt move his face at all.

Such a great effort from the guys. Always love the parties at their place, so much fun.

The bathroom. That teddybear though…

Haha, look at that porridge face.

Tom and Jack showed up as well. But that time i was alreday on good form.

Getting my magic on.

Ha, always with the tongue.

We left around 1.30. The party was really kicking off and both George and me felt that it was just going downhill from there. We are being good at the moment for obvious reasons.

Sunday was super chilled and as i said, not even that hungover so a win all around. Hoorah to Halloween!

Flower delivery

I had a lovely weekend. One of those when everything is just good. No sunday angst, got a little work done on Saturday and not even the hangover could get me down.

Maybe because it was one of my favourite holidays – Halloween. Love me a dress up party. And boy did i dress up this time. But more about that in next post, it deserves one all to itself.

On Friday night W and me chilled at home. Watched the A-list and loved how evil Ellie is in it (she is the sweetest human being nornally)

So yes, had to tell her. She like that perfect blonde mean girl. But also with some weird powers. Spooky.

On Saturday it was freezing but oh so beautiful out. George was working out, Mikey was sleeping in our flat and W and me took full advantage of the somewhat empty park.

Look at this. My parents called me and told me toxic levels in London is so high right now its not fit for kids but i love my city.

When i came home i got the most middle class thing of all middle class things. I flower subscription.

It fits in your letter box and i have signed up to 2 weeks. I love it. Makes me so happy with a really beautiful boquet of flower. George couldnt care less but at least he pretends for my sake.

You build the boquet yourself and then it ends up this gorgeous seriously giving me so much happiness.

My favourite hairy heroes. (Yes, George is still walking around without a shirt at home even if its bloody freezing).

Look at this pretty room. Hard not to be happy when the world is like this, filled with flowers, love and sunny, cold days.

Ice, ice baby

Friday and must admit im happy its a rainy, grey day in London. Zero regrets about sitting at home. Im planning to watch the A-list on BBC iplayer. Ellie, who was with us in France and is a close friend of Jeans, is starring and im using that as an excuse. Truth is it looks exactly like the kind of teenage-y drama i love.

Ha, i got a request to speak at a conference in Singapore. For the Asian market. Im flattered but also feel like i know very little of that market even if we work with it. Its in June but i have to let them know now. Problem is that i dont want to say yes to any longer trips at the moment due to everything that is going on. So sorry Asia, next time you’ll get to partake of my wisdom.

It was sunny yesterday. I used my new bluetooth headphones. Everyone is raving about the apply ipods but seriously, £130… i got these, awesome, bad boys for £33

We had Alastair and Sarah over for dinner last night. George got iced. Not even west london is safe from the bartender jokes. Sarah and me, not being bartenders, just kind of sighed and laughed at the boys.

Woolly making new friends. Lovely to have them over and George cooked chicken and sweet potato mash. Plus we got to treat them to one of our wine bottles. We have so much booze at home so we are always happy when someone comes over to drink some. 22 year old me wish she’d known 36 year old me.

Yes, my unicorn slippers belong to Woolly first, George second and me third. At least someone is loving them.

Family chill time once we were alone again in the flat.

Tomorrow its Halloween party at Bens and im going all out as usual. But one big night a week is enough.

Hey there lil pupper

Hey guys. Hope you are feeling as happy as i am today. Because i am. George came home last night and im pretty sure he hugged me ALL night. Thank god for guys who love a good snuggle. On top of that the sun is shining and its thursday and on saturday i get to dress up for Halloween.

Yesterday i had the loveliest lunch with Ella. Havent seen her for a while so it was mostly catching up on life, joking about the fact that cheering for good things in your 30s is very different than your 20s. She to her divorce coming through and me to hopefully getting happy answers from the doctors.

But, as always, makes me very happy and calm to see her. I love my London family. The people that have been around and seen it all. Gives you perspective to the fact that it always gets better no matter how tricky things feel at the moment.

Today im wearing Christmas colours. Burgundy knit and a green bow in my hair. Look at me still rocking a slight tan. 2018 – the year it finally happened.

My hair is also getting pretty grey. But owning it at the moment. Im going to have to start colour it at one point but definitely not yet. Have zero issues with getting older.

Got a new friend yesterday. My colleague Biancas lil pup Enzo. He is only 6 month and is a Duck tolling retriever. Very cute.

He made friends with everyone and being a retriever had a never ending love for the ball.

He stole both Woollys bed and ball. But too cute for me to say anything so happily let him rock and roll with that. Sorry Woolly.

Stole him and took him for a walk. Almost impossible to get him away from the tennis courts. ALL the tennis balls. That is retriever heaven.

Me and my tiny pot of goodies. I have given up to the fact that i need my dose of candy every day, just make sure that its a manageable pot. I also monitor the ocado shop every day hoping that theyll get the ginger bread dough so proper Christmas season can start.

George is going strong with his training program. Yes, loving those arms. He basically disappears early and come home late. Must admit im happy that he is not doing this all the time. Rather have him at home than a 6 pack.

New day, new sweater

Hump day. Half way through this October week and a step closer to getting some answers. I hate waiting. Like HATE waiting. There is a reason i have already ordered half my Christmas gifts and is freaking out at 15 different teams at work because they are dragging their feet.

So this is torture. Getting some half baked answers from a freaked out doctor that may or may not determine our future but we wont know for sure until December. So we just wait. And think because you know, its impossible not to.

It sucks. But i guess this is one of those times when life is testing you and im supposed to find my inner zen. Still working on that.

Yesterday it was finally scarf weather. Jumper, leater jacket and scarf weather. Thats my favourite weather. We all know im just not a beach person. Me and beach clothes dont jell. But im most definitely a big city autumn person rocking my leather jacket.

George sent me pictures of cheating with dogs in Leeds. Breaking lil Woollys heart. He is designing a bar and selling Napue. Great use of all those skills of his.

Me, i had dinner with Lily at the Anglesea. Love that pub. She was making use of Cissis dress up box. Around Halloween there is always a lot of people last minute calling on the dress up box. One day when i cant be bothered with an office ill start my business. Cissis gift idea and dress up box company. Get your Halloween costume AND get your Christmas gift ideas at the same time.

BOOM

We had delicious food and talked life. Lily has her own company making delicious kimchi and is doing really well. Its impressive listening to her story. And the kimchi is beyond tasty. Still cant get over the kimchi bloody marys we had at one of our pool partys.

Boss lady

Work is busy at the moment. Trouble in paradise. When you have one of your teams being as big as 40 people you are going to run into issues from time to time. So we are working on them. Finding solutions. Me and Rai from HR are thick as thieves.

These are the kind of things that 22 year old me couldnt even dream i would face. Running two teams of a total of about 50 people. That is a lot of people to make happy but also make sure they work. That delicate balance. I tend to be close to my team, trust them, know them well but that gets harders when the team is so big and you have 3 lines of managers between you and some of them.

But i learn. Find new ways of being a manager. And grow i guess. Take a lot of good decisions and some very unpopular ones. That comes with the territory.

Yesterday i got home quite late and missed a dinner with Katta and Madde. I try and make sure work never really impact my private life, i dont think it should, but sometimes its inevitable.

So i made myself a somewhat weird dish. A turkey mince chilli. George is supposed to stay away from red meat on his 8 week challenge so when i cook for the both of us i do the same. And lots of veggies. We all know veggies is good for you and the environment.

Hello there lil plate of weirdness.

I slept on the sofa the night before since George had one of his snory ones. The duvet was still there and Woolly was beyond happy.

It was cold when i left the flat for the doggy night walk. 5 degrees. So my furry hat from bulgaria was a winner. I feel ready for winter.

Oh why are you so cute Woolly? George came home around 8.30 but then left early again this morning for Leeds and wont be home until Wednesday evening. I call him the nightime ghost.

Not too unappy since i have dinner with Lily tonight and i new book ive been waiting a year for. Dont need no man, strong independent woman.

Finding the calmness inside

I love autumn when its like this one. Long, warm days with that crisp autumn air and the world turning into sparkling colours. Cold mornings and you have to take off your sweater by the afternoon when the air heats up.

Lucky for me the weekend was exactly like that. To the point that i even complained on the Sunday because it was too warm. I want to use my sweaters…

On Saturday katta and me headed to Richmond to take a walk before Lollos bday lunch. Most of London took to the streets to protest Brexit so we were left to a deserted and very colourful  Richmond Park.

Not unhappy having this beauty by my side.

We walked around in the more foresty bits feeling like forest elves in our skirts and dresses.

Said hello to this guy chilling under a tree. The deers in Richmond are wild but kind of uncaring about all the humans. So we could get this close and he just kind of a bit of a stinky eye before we moved on.

I mean, look at all this beauty. When i get old ill make George live close to a forest i can walk around in with like 5 dogs.

Totally dressed for walking around in a forest. In my defence we were going straight to the fancy lunch at Petersham nuserries so dress for sucess. And yes, it was t-shirt weather even in the shade.

At Petersham the Christmas baubles had come out. Yes, i was in heaven. Katta gifted her and me with the same bauble. My tree is going to be beyond epic this year, i have so many lovely decorations now from all over the world.

Whats cooking good looking?

Waiting for the others to show up. Both hungry and dreaming of a GT but they only served wine. Oh well. Probably for the best.

It was a set menu with like 8 different courses. Lovely as always at Petersham but loads fo food.

Katta and Lily. Both Bookclub Babes.

Yes, totally eating with my eyes as well when om here.

Mini Rey, Rachel and Sam. Yes boys, having a pretty gorgeous view going on here.

This <3. Plum and almond tart. Ive fallen in love with plum frangipane tarts since i came to England. Not too sweet but so good.

The birthday girl herself in all her blue leopard glory. Happy you day you gorgeous girl.

It was turning all cotton candy when we left.

Ha, always the joker my guy. We all took cabs to the Westbourne for a drink or 3.

We look more party than we actually were. I started yawning around 10 and George was a shell after all the traveling so we went home around 10.30.

On Sunday we went to brunch in East and had such a nice time i took zero photos. On the way home i had a bit of a looping outburst on George, Which was totally not fair. Cant really stop myself when my brain starts going a bit mental like that and its so much negative thoughts and fears at the moment that it get bad.

Basically im scared. Im scared of whats ahead, what it will do to me and my mental health and mostly what itll do to me and George. I feel guilty for all of this and like im making him do something he doesnt want to do (which is not true, thats my demons) and i push out. To him and to punish myself.

It sucks. But i dont know how to stop. It gets built up and the fear makes me say stupid shit. Think i should probably get back into therapy to have someone to talk to. Just to get it out from time to time and air it rather than just pushing it down.

People that knows tells me this is one of the hardest things you can go through as a couple and im feeling it. Its like a ball of hurt that makes me feel lonely and scared. All the time. And i know George is feeling it as well.

Saturday sun

It’s kind of helping in a weird way when there is an artist out there going through the same thing as we are. Putting images to my feelings.

Me and Woolly were just home last night. George was working and I needed the break after a shit day at work. When everyone else went for drinks I went home. Yep, I’ve become my own worst nightmare

But high fiving myself today. Soon out to meet Katta for a walk in Richmond Park before Lollo’s bday lunch in Petersham.

Next week will be hectic so making sure I get some nature in before.